Through My Eyes

Time Passes

2010-07-14T01:51:00.003-05:00

It seems that no matter how much time passes, not much changes. I am still here and Lin is still gone. I have been really feeling her loss as of late. Lin has been gone 632 days and it still seems like yesterday at times.

As the job scene has been slow and no real prospects on the horizon, I had to make the decision to down-size. When your loved one is alive, you make plans, life is grand and you move on with plans together. You never think what it will be like if they are gone. What was once manageable, it becomes a challenge.

Getting the house, our house ready to sell, has stirred so many emotions, I thought they had died as well. I can't seem to shake this feeling. It is like I just heard that she has cancer for the first time. I still have this long journey to travel before things change again.

So much has happened in a short time, I keep thinking that the pain of her death will one day become less. I don't know if there is a timetable, I keep wishing there was a book to follow. Some days are better than others and I am thankful for that. This move has forced me to deal with things that I had simply pushed away and did not deal with. I never, ever, thought that I would ever leave that place, our place. It is after all where we intended to retire.

Nobody tells you how hard life will be, coping and dealing with the sad, in your face reality of life on your own. I desperately need purpose in my life. I keep thinking that I need to define a new a career for myself, one that actually has purpose. I wonder what that would be.

It seems impossible that it is now just three months short of two years of Lin's passing.

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star - Are You There?

2009-10-31T03:36:00.007-05:00

So much time has passed, yet, many things remain the same. As I look around the room in here, your shotzkies (is that what they call them), your dust collectors are still where they were a year ago. Your art supplies, still remain in drawers, containers or where ever you last touch them; canvases are still white, untouched.

I was in the bedroom a minute ago and I looked around. Not much has changed there except the orientation of our bed. That has changed a couple of times since you left. Neither you or I ever moved them, our families did this for us, both when you were ill and when I took a dive from the ladder. All else is pretty much the same. I even found a big dust bunny tonight when I had to go behind the dresser to plug in light that has not been used since you left; I think the dust bunny is too big for the vacuum, it must be a year old now.

I'm sort of glad that I had to endure my own physical pain this year because then it made me think of you and even get a little mad at you. Although, I have to say, that there were many days that I was really pissed at you! When I first fell my first thought was of you and that I needed to call you. You were not here. When I got to the hospital, I half way believed that you would materialize and I would not have to keep repeating myself; you would be there to help me; you did not show. When I awoke from surgery, I kept thinking of you and hoping that you somehow would think of me and be there, that did not happen. The realization that you would not ever be for me again came when I came out of my haze, my fog.

You were gone for keeps. You would not return to me out of love, out of guilt, out of friendship; you simply would not return. That was the most rotten three weeks of my life. To sit there and have to smile for visitors and just lay there and think of you not coming back to be with me was almost unbearable. No matter what happened, for that day forward I knew I could not wish you back. I was on my own. I must have been in some kind of shock from October through April. This was the first time that I was ever mad at you for leaving. Before that time, I tried my best to reason and understand.

Funny, I either stay awake past 1:30am or wake up in time to see the clock change. When I laid by your bedside, you always woke up at 1:30am. I was so tired then, I just did what I had to do to get to the next day. Now I just think of all the time I could have actually spoken with you instead of wanting to go back to bed. Life was cruel then and it really has not been very nice at all this whole year.

I am over being mad at you now. I still feel a lot of guilt for things that I did not do, say or otherwise think about then. I know it is stupid, but it happens. Tonight, I have been dreading today for a long time. I don't know if something magical is supposed to happen or what, but I have had a fear of this day for a long time. Even after my accident and knowing that you would not return, there is something about this day; I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I am afraid that I will forget you. That somehow I will start to go on with my life as I have already tried and I forget you. I know I can't; we buried you on my birthday. How could I ever forget that? At 9:30am you will have been gone a year.

Your family and I talk and keep your memory alive. It is very hard talking about you. It is like you die all over again every time we talk about your last days here. But that is what we have in common. It was very hard, difficult to talk to one another right after you passed. Marlene and I were mad at each other. It was for all the wrong reasons, but they seemed so valid to both of us at the time. We have worked our way past that for some time now. You have a new niece now; Marlene is a grandma. We have talked about that recently. The little girl, at two months, likes to talk on the phone to your Mom. We think it is you re-incarnated. You were always on the phone to your Mom or Sister!

I finally sold your car. I did not get to take it for a last ride. I had to have follow-up surgery. This time, I did not look for you. A nice lady from Borne, JP, bought it. Her husband fixed radiation machines. I had just put the for sale sign on your car and I decided to drive it to the grocery store for whatever reason (I had not been gro shopping in a year!). I parked it on the far side of the lot where it could be seen from the road. JP and her husband were driving by on their way to a family reunion. They decided to stop and shop. JP had bought some boots for Halloween and told her husband she needed a sexy convertible to drive. They pulled up next to your car and wa-la, it was for sale. They called me while I was in the store. They test drove it on their way back through and called me on their way home; they wanted to buy her. Well you baby is in good hands now.

I just lied when I said that I did not look for you. Well, I did not look for you, but I did think of you. I remembered how you used to kiss me, before I went under and after I woke up. I woke up asking a doctor where he got his case for his iPhone, weird huh.

I have had too much time to sit and think this year. It made me think of what you must have gone through and all you had to deal with, mine was a cake walk next to yours. You never complained, not even once.

You never complained. All that time that you must have felt like crap; all the time that you spent alone while I went to work, you never complained. If I could turn the clock around for even one day, there are some may things I would change. The biggest being, that I would go back to the Wednesday before you died and I would not be mad at you because you did not remember who I was or because you wanted to smoke. Stupid crap huh? I would get over it and sit with you, just sit with you. I know your past was not free of pain or worry either, I wish I would have met you earlier in life.

I don't know what tomorrow morning will bring, if anything. I know that you will not be with me physically. But you remain in my heart, in my thoughts and in my soul. I think part of me died with you and part of you now lives in me. Is that possible?

If it seems that I am all over the place, I am. You used to tell me how smart I was, well, I think I have scrambled eggs for a brain, since you left. Some days I do not want to get out of bed and others I just do. Some days I can't remember what I did the day before and others, well, thank God I keep a calendar.

I managed to keep your plants alive through the winter. I only lost one or two. But, somehow, with the help of my family, we did not lose a single plant or flower through the worst draught in many years here.

I am not mad at you for leaving anymore. I am just extremely sad that you died and you will not return. My heart aches to look into your blue eyes again, to touch your fine and silky hair and to lie next to you at night and to wake to you in the morning. I long to talk to you and tell about my day. I wish you could tell me what you think about the decisions that I am making. You are still the first person that I think about when anything happens. I wish I could hear you laugh one more time. I wish I could tell you that I love you, once more.

Lin once asked me. "When everything is stressful and hard and it seems like the world is closing in, what do you do?" I told her that I put on my headphones and listened to the song below, over and over. I would not let anything change my world. I have control, just wishful thinking. Well, we know that this is not true, but it is how I got through many rough days and nights.

Rest in peace, my love ...rest in peace. I love you Lil'B!!

The Beatles - Across The Universe

Words are flying out like

endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva

Days go by...

2009-09-20T18:35:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was the anniversary of our Holy Ceremony, September 16,2008. We would have celebrated nine years of marriage. I still don't know how to feel. I read a book recently, "90 Minutes in Heaven" and I was so happy to think that you have indeed gone to a much better place than this life chose to share with you. Then I see a picture of you, think of you, and all I can do is taste my salty, bitter tears.

I had planned to visit your gravesite yesterday, but, I ran out of hours in my day. If you were here, that NEVER would have happened. I remember what I read in "90 Min" and think, you are probably busy yourself and no longer concerned with earthly concerns. That makes me feel happy and sad at the same time.

One year ago yesterday, you shared with me what you had found out from your doctor's visit, the one you refused to let me attend with you. I got home from work, we sat on the couch together; the cancer had matestizised. The enemy had spread, there was very little hope to fight it.

We, you and I, had been fighting this monster for 18months at that time. You were then and continue still, to be the most brave person I had ever met. I was lucky and married my HERO!

In all my years, I never thought I would be so lucky to have met such a kind, caring, beautiful, loving, selfless soul but there you were, saying, "I will" to ME! You wanted to share your life with me! I was so happy on our wedding day. We were able to share our day with family and friends, that made it all the more special.

I know that it is selfish, but, I wish I could have just one more day with you. We could go to that spot on the beach where you proposed to me. This time I would not be scared or embarrased to hold your hand or steal a kiss. Maybe we could go to that out of the way "Lobsta Shak" that we fell in love with in Canada, just the two of us. Maybe then, days like today would not be so damned hard.

I miss you with every ounce of my soul.

It has been a while!

2009-07-21T17:41:00.006-05:00

It has been a while since I have written. I have not had the energy, nor the want to do much. If you read the prior posting, then you know that I went down on April 8, 2009; a non-fatal fall, but damaging none the less.

I was minding my own business, actually having fun as I power-washed a Pergola and had stopped only long enough to climb a six foot ladder to check a plant hanger, when all of the sudden, my right knee wobbled and I knew I was going down in mere seconds.

I felt my hands slice the air, grasping for anything that would help me stay on the ladder, to no avail. I don't remember hitting the concrete, none-the-less, I found myself laying on the ground, on my back, as my right shoulder ached and I knew I could not move my right leg for the pain.

I shouted at the top of my lungs, "HELP, HELP!", that is when I noticed that the power-washer was still on, no one would hear me, no matter how much I screamed. I looked around and remembered a thought that I had earlier. Everyone in the neighborhood worked, the sound of the power-washer was the loudest sound that I could hear, all else was quiet, no one was home. I knew that I was in trouble. I had a brain fart and pulled the iPhone out of my pocket. I was ready to dial 911, and then a fleeting thought crossed my mind, I don't remember the address! Another thought came from nowhere, cell phones cannot be tracked to the exact location, can they?

The pain was intense. Each time I moved, I felt like someone was pounding my leg with a sledge hammer, other times like my leg was in a vise grip. My shoulder continued to throb, I could hear my own heart beat. I attempted to get up, but only managed to make the pain more intense. I thought about dragging myself, but then thought, where? I am on the patio, if I manage to get in the house, I would have to deal with an ~80lb dog. It is funny how many thoughts, some stupid, cross your mind when an accident occurs or for that matter when you suffer severe pain.

I was lucky that Tory was home, a cute, lively, and smart 10 year old girl. She called 911 and got me help. I don't remember too much more about that time. I guess that was because I knew that help was on the way. I could relax, well OK, concentrate on getting as comfortable as I could. He mom, Chellie and sister, Taylor got home not too long after that and I knew I would get help.

Being in the hospital... I don't remember too much about the week that I was at Breckenridge hospital, only what others tell me. I was either acting like a clown, flashing everyone my naked body, writing illegible brain dumps on paper or sleeping. Two times do stand out, however. The first was when I came out of surgery the first time. The nurse told me to push the button when I needed pain relief. I watched the clock and asked others to help me as the machine would release medication every 8 minutes. I pushed on that button like there was no tomorrow. I did after all have a leg with multiple fractures and a shoulder that had endured surgery. Did you see the picture in the prior posting? Well the nurse got mad at me because I was complaining that I was not getting enough pain medication. She came in and read me the riot act about the amount of meds I was allowed to have, blah, blah, blah. Well, Erin looked down and asked me to let her know the next time I pushed the button; I did. She took off to get the nurse. The Marine in her came out. She returned with the nurse. The line that connected the pain medication to the machine that allowed me the get meds, was not connected and instead had formed a small pool of liquid on the floor! The nurse turned red in the face and I finally got relief.

I am having problems concentrating on one thing at a time. The easiest thing that I do is gel in front of the TV right now. Stay tuned for the next posting, hopefully it will not take as long, however, I am headed to the beach with my sisters and Mom this weekend! Until later.

Roni has fallen and she can't get up!

2009-04-15T21:01:00.005-05:00

Hello blog world! This is Roni's niece, Lori. I am writing this blog on behalf of Roni because, well, she just can't. Here is the story.

On April 8th, Roni was at a friend's house doing a little power washing. While she was up a ladder, she fell. She landed on her right side causing her shoulder and right Tibia to break. Part of her Tibia was actually shattered. Roni was rushed to Round Rock Medical Center. After she arrived there and the doctors performed their initial exam, they found the breaks to be too severe for them to treat. During this time, Erin arrived. The staff told Erin and Roni that she would have to be flown via Care Flight to Brackenridge Hospital. Roni wanted Erin to ride with her, but the hospital wouldn't let her. While this was Roni's first helicopter ride, she didn't enjoy it too terribly much! I wonder why? Anyway, Erin beat her to the hospital by an hour. That's saying alot - especially with Austin traffic.

When Roni arrived at Brackenridge she underwent her first surgery. They "fixed" her shoulder and placed pins and a rod in her leg. They also had to insert a drainage tube and cut gashes in her skin (I know there is a medical term for this, but my memory fails me now) because her leg was so swollen. They went in a couple of days later to clean out more of the fluid and get her ready for the big surgery.

On Monday, the doctors placed the plate in her leg. She seems to be doing great so far. This afternoon she was moved to Reliant Rehabilitation in Round Rock. I know she is hopeing for a speedy recovery. We all are. Since she broke her right leg, which is her "driving" leg, she will be dependant on everyone for a while. For those of you that know Roni, it's not going to be easy for her.

Roni did say for me to tell all her friends and family that have helped out, called, came by and emailed Thank You. She is very grateful to have such wonderful people in her life. She is not, however, grateful to me or Erin. I've been threating to paint her toenails (what is she going to do - chase me?) and Erin placed a pink fuzzy sock on her foot while she was asleep. I'm sure we will be paid back as soon as she can hobble around again!

Day 149 - Post

2009-03-29T23:52:00.002-05:00

The sun seems to come up every day, much against my will. I can't believe it has been 149 days since Lin left my side.

I seem to spend many hours a days cleaning the pool. This used to be Lin's job. She would often remark to me that she had cleaned the pool and I would just make a comment that it looked nice or something stupid like that. What I did not know then that I know NOW, is how much work she did with the pool. Between fighting an endless amount of leaves, wind and the likes and trying to figure out the chemicals, ugh! I never gave her all the credit that she deserved for all the work that it took to maintain the pool.

With the change of the seasons, I got to experience another of the Lin's joys. I would put up some sort of warm shelter for her plants every year, that was nothing new. We would rush to move the plants the weekend before a big chill, all ~50 potted plants, large and small. I would hook-up water and electric lights, all the comforts for their warmth and thirst. I did that with help of Art, Alex, Erin and Eric this year. Difference was that we had all planted some of the plants in the ground so it was a little different. Thank God that I did not kill many of them this year!! The roses have started to blossom. The dead is giving in to the living. Pat and I spent most of the day today cleaning the patio, deck and pool. Lin loved her outdoors area and spent most of her days there. I never did give it much thought how much she did as mulled around outside.

Today started with a jump. Corban, Lori and Eric rang the door bell at 9:00am. On any given Sunday, before, I would normally get up late, drink some coffee and read the paper while watching some old movies. This is what Lin and I used to do. One exception, OK, a couple. She would get up earlier than me most of the time. She would make the coffee and then she get on the phone. By the time I would get up, she would be starting the second pot of coffee. She would have started the pump on the pool and most likely well on her way to watering the plants. I seem to be living her life now, or at least in part. After the gang left, there was no way that I could escape the calling to the outdoors, it was in horrible shape and I needed to address the needs of the plants and pool. I wondered, is this what motivated Lin to jump into action, a calling of necessity or a labor of love?

It does not seem right that life should continue to move forward without Lin in it. We talked about the situation once. That life goes on no matter who dies.

I wonder when it will get easy, easier. I can actually go hours sometimes without thinking of her. Is it because of the house, our furniture, our things we bought together, house we painted, colors, we picked...life we lived? I wish that I had more answers to my questions.

Let it go? That is what I hear...what would you do?

2009-03-10T21:38:00.009-05:00

When someone dies many things happen. People become aggressive, people become passive. They yell and scream, they crawl in a corner and cry. One thing I do know as well, money and possessions is something that all the sudden becomes paramount and oh so important.

I deleted a comment today and decided to re-post it. This speaks volumes.

"I really don't want to get into this, but I have some strong feelings with the "BLOG". I don't think Lin would want Roni to talk "negative" about her Mom & sister. I was told by Lin, that she wanted $"XX" of the disability to go to her Mom.AND I think that since Roni & Lin were not "legally" married, all of the disability money-legally goes to "next of kin" (which would be Lin's Mother). So, I am not sure how Roni even cashed the disability check in the first place. A bit confusing I might say. Also, from what Lin told me, her sister (Marlene) was suppose to get all of Lin's personal belongings (with the exception of items she & Roni had already discussed). To this day Marlene has not received anything, except a few items."

I love my wife with all my mind, body and soul. I did and continue to do everything I can to make her happy, to do what would make her happy.

When the chips were down, I did the wrong thing and decided to immerse myself in work so I would not have to deal with "the cancer"; but you can't run away from it. Ultimately we took it on together. I changed my life to accommodate the fact that things would be different in the future for us, what we thought would be our future. I changed jobs so I could spend more time with her. I changed my 401K contributions to help accommodate for additional monies for treatments, things insurance would not cover and things to make us comfortable. I traded down my truck to reduce costs. I took on loans to make sure that she would be taken care of no matter what. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her; let me say that again, for her, not anyone else.

Something happens when someone dies; it gets really messy dealing with all the left over, grief, unresolved feelings, resentment, guilt there are other words, but you probably already know what they are and where this is going.

I am lucky Lin and I went and had a will made for her when she was of sound mind and body. And even still, it is not enough. I bought her a digital recorder and asked her to go room to room and tell me of anything she wanted anyone to have, she said no, she had already addressed that in her will.

The "Will" is a legally binding document. The will speaks now for Lin, even when I can't. I have taken time off of work to deal with these legal issues, gone before a judge and swore that I would uphold the letter of the will. I have done so with respect to Lin and have not swayed from that. I cannot change or challenge that which is set forth by the will without legal arbitration. Who has the extra funds for that? Who wants to go against what she wanted?

I mean no disrespect to anyone, I am simply stating facts as they occur. Lin made amends with her family prior to her death. I am not there yet. I used the word meddling the other day, maybe it was too strong, either way, I know that I am out additional attorney fees, that I do not have to spare from my pocket, to engage him to ensure that any funds that are made available by any means are FIRST and FOREMOST applied to her estate; the way she wanted it.

Actions taken by others did infuriate me, I will be honest. I told them so directly. That they did not trust that I would do the right thing and somehow go behind their back.... that is not me, never has been, never will be.

To address possessions, yes those dreaded little household and personal items that make a house a home...our home. What would you do if someone was ready to come to your house with boxes, the day after you buried your loved one, your wife and take everything away that represented your loved one's life? Not over my dead body. It was not because I did not want anyone to have anything, but because I was not ready to say goodbye to my wife - I still am not ready. I did give Lin's family the more personal items that she loved and held special. I regret that I kept only two items, but they are personal enough and I am glad I did not part with them (jewelry). I also expressed that if I did send anything, it would be 6 months plus. Guess what? Good thing, because I had to take inventory for her estate! The creditors are after EVERYTHING.

The person who wrote the comment says that I am disrespecting Lin's family and that Lin would not want for me to write what I am writing, that I should let this go. She says that I should write this in a journal and burn it. What say you? Yes, this is very personal. I am surprised at items that I blog about, but it does help me to write and from email that I get, it seems to helps others.

Before she passed, Lin asked me to write her story, good, bad and indifferent. She said that maybe someone would benefit knowing what she went through and maybe she could save someone. It has taken me a long time to get here, where I am now. But, thank to Bonnie (our RN from hospice) maybe I can do it. She gave me an awesome book that I can use as a guide.

So, I am asking for input.

What should I do?

Write in a journal and burn it? Let it go? Or, move forward with writing Lin's Story, which the title indicates.

I think Bonnie hit the nail on the head the other day when she said that she could pinpoint the day that I started writing differently, writing because Lin was reading the blog and when I started writing about Lin and what was happening in our lives. I am currently writing a different chapter, my current life. I seem to have written about during and now after, should I delve into before?

Drop me a note, I am interested to know what you think.

It has been a while...

2009-03-04T22:59:00.010-06:00

Time has passed so quickly, yet it seems to stand still. It has now been what seems to be a lifetime since Lin passed away. I keep wondering if my life will always be measured by the number of days since Lin died...4 months and 5 days OR 125 days, or 17 weeks, or 3000 hours, or 180,000 minutes, give or take a few minutes....but who is counting right? Right...

It has been unusual as of late. It seems that it was easier to deal with life right after she died. Maybe I was numb or maybe it is because I did not have time to process her passing. I don't know, but I do know that lately it seems that I am sucking on one large tart candy as I can feel my jaw tighten, my throat restricts, my eyes start to water, I can't swallow and then it becomes hard to breathe. No reason at all for this to happen, she has just been on my mind a bunch lately. Her sobriety birthday is coming around, March 14, is that why I am thinking of her?

I am still dealing with legal stuff, trying to settle her estate. Her Mom and sister called me to tell me that they had meddled with social security; they feel entitled to the money she was to receive from disability. That started additional talks with the attorney - MAN those guys charge you if they fart on your time! I feel guilty that I have not sent them any monetary funds but then I feel mad that they are interfering. Lin did not trust them enough to make them executors. Besides all of this, there is no money. I am still trying to close out on debt, especially medical. Do yourself a favor and keep all your property, real estate and financial as separate as possible, it sure makes it allot easier in the end. The Gay factor does not help one bit, muddies the waters.

I went to South Padre Island with Allison. We went to spread some of Lin's ashes on the beach. I took her very close to the area where she proposed marriage to me, a long term commitment. I thought that it was weird that I was not overwhelmed by emotions when I actually spread her ashes. It has not been until now that it hits me or I talk about it. Even as I write, that damned tart feeling overcomes me. I was glad that I was finally able to take her to the beach, but then that guilt creeps back and it pangs at my chest; I did not get to take her to the beach when she was alive and asking to go. Is this how parents feel when they know a child wants something very badly, but they know that it is out of their reach or control to make it come to fruition? What a hell of a feeling.

I was talking with my friend Meredith he other day. She told me that Lin does not feel guilt, pain, regret, nothing but happiness where she is now; if that is true, I am very glad for Lin. This must be hell on earth then to survive your loved one, because the feelings are intense. I went to the movies with my sister Dora and friend Cara tonight, Perry Tyler's Medea goes to jail. There is a scene in the movie where the women are in prison listening to a converted prostitute speaking about forgiveness. She said that unless you forgive, you are the one that suffers and the person who did you wrong is scott free. I started thinking tonight... will I always suffer the pain of a victim until the time that I forgive myself for all the things that I could not or did not do for Lin?

I was wondering the other day how I would make it to the end of the day... even my performance review reflected my anguish. I received a negative hit because I have not been thinking strategic. Hello! I am trying to make it day to day and seldom think beyond the next couple of hours. Sorry to my friends who like to make plans in advance. And yes I know, my follow through is not what it once was. My level of concentration is being impacted by thoughts of yesteryear and the want for how it used to be and how it will not be that way ever again. I question my every decision and am finding it difficult to make financial determinations. Lin was my moral compass. I was the free spender, take the risk. She always, always, the more cautious one. I can honestly say that I feel lost most of the time. Do you ever get the feeling or remember that panic feeling when you see a cop and look down at your speedometer and think, holy $hit! Multiply that times 10,000 and then you start to feel how different life is for me now; I experience this feeling several times a day.

It is almost that time again. Most nights, I am still either awake or can't go to sleep or if I manage to fall asleep; I wake up for 1:30 am. Lin always awoke at this time; I would administer meds and talk to her or stroke her soft blonde hair until she fell asleep again. Like a new mother, I would then stay awake to make sure she would sleep for a while. Now I just stay up, update facebook, read, light a candle for Lin or just lay in bed thinking.

Well enough of the gloom and doom for one evening. I hope to go to her grave site soon and update some pics as her engraved headstone was put in place sometime back. I took pictures, but my iphone and this Dell computer do not like one another. He resting spot is a good place to go for peace and tranquility from time to time.

Please feel free to leave comments or let me know of different topics you may want to see.

U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fBj2wsimvQ

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

White Girls Can Dance? You're Still My Baby.

2009-02-14T23:24:00.011-06:00

I went to the rental house today and was looking at the work completed on the counter make-over. I hopped in the truck and headed out to find nourishment. The radio was on a station that I actually listen to now rather than punching the button to change the station; it was Lin's favorite 107.1 KGSR. Willie Nelson was singing away, "Kansas City". The song somehow got me thinking of Lin and my first time to see her dance.

We had not been seeing each other for very long in terms of going out at night or dancing. She was working the night shift when we met. After one hell of a quarter end (we both worked Logistics); she suggested that we go to South Padre Island for a long weekend to recharge. It sounded great, so off we went.

We went out with Lin's friends to some little gay bar in Brownsville. Don't ask me where we were; I was totally lost. Marc and Omar drove us to this bar, and when I say little, it was little. Anyway some music, much attuned to Kansas City was playing and Lin asked me to dance. I don't know about you, but I have to have some "liquid courage" in my blood stream before I take a step onto the floor. She told me not to worry because she was a good dancer...

There were not many people on the floor, which made me even more uncomfortable. So let me set the stage. When I was much younger (yes MUCH), I was quite the dancer. I could dance polka, fast two-step, disco, you name it, I probably practiced it first while dancing along to American Bandstand, Lawrence Welk or Hee-Haw (yes, my parents MADE me watch some of those shows). Anyone who danced with me, knew that they had to give me "proper space"; never crowd a good dancer. LOL! So dancing this rock-n-roll / blues was kind of new to me. Next thing I know, Lin is dirty dancing up against me! I am sure my face was turning the deepest shade of red that it could. I was starting to perspire and had yet to move an inch. She had a great big smile on her face and then a sultry kind of look. She cocked her mouth to one side and half smiled. She shimmied her shoulders from side to side in a slow motion moves and then (OMG!!) started slowly squatting right in front of me! I was sure all eyes were on us and that I would soon hear laughter. I was frozen right where I stood; I could not move a muscle, althought my jaw was probably hitting the floor about then. I was a preppy, a shy, yes shy, polite person and I did not do "that" kind of dancing in public!!

I was never so glad to see Omar in my life! He approached Lin from behind and wanted to get into "that" action; well that was my queue to RUN! Lin and Omar continued to dirty dance as I watched from the sideline with Marc. I don't think I have ever downed beers so fast in my life. Lin continued to signal to me to come join them and I pretended that I did not see her signal. If this is what she called dancing, there would not be much of that happening that night.

On occassion we would discuss "that night". I would only shake my head and sigh heavily; Lin would grin and laugh. Several years later she asked me what I meant when I would see a Caucasian person dance and say "white people dance". I told her that no matter what race, if I saw someone dance with little sense of rhythm, then to me, that was white people dancing. I told her that I had seen those move in her as well. She was appauled! Next time we went out I asked to look around the floor and tell me what she saw. She told me that there were alot of "white people" out there thinking they could dance. We laughed about that often. From time to time she would call this out when we saw others dance.

We danced quite often at home. We would turn up the stereo and Lin would ask me to help her, give her lessons so that when we did finally go dancing in public she would not "white people dance". I had great fun dancing with her; she actually got really good. We had our own steps that we made up. It was not always easy as she was much taller than I. We had fun, that is what mattered. In her latter days she was only able to last but a few steps, but we had fun.

On a totally different note - if you have roses, today is the day to trim them. The little old man down the street has a really nice nursery and he told us that today was the day, if not tomorrow. Cut them back and they should come back beautifully. Don't forget to feed them!

I guess that is on my mind because we bought three rose bushes to plant in Lin's memory, in her garden. I bought a variety that was called "George Burns" (pic included). It just reminded me of Lin and brought a smile to my face. I later read up on it and here is what it said: "Just the array of novel colors in every flower can bring a smile to your face…although maybe not as many smiles as its namesake, the late George Burns. But it’s a definite "feel-good" rose; bright cheery ever-changing colors of yellow, deep red, rose pink and cream, big fragrant ruffled flowers, large clean deep glossy green foliage and a fairly compact yet free-flowering plant. Caution, though, an occasional cheap cigar turned into the soil may be required to keep this plant at its best."

Otis Redding

You're Still My Baby

http://www.lyricsmania.com/lyrics/otis_redding_lyrics_4700/dictionary_of_soul_lyrics_15432/youre_still_my_baby_lyrics_179183.html

Lyrics to You're Still My Baby :( Chuck Willis )

You're gone away

And you done left me alone, yeah

I've got nobody to call my own

I believe it's bye bye, baby, yeah

I wish you a lot of luck, darling

But you're still my baby

My my my baby

Told you i love you, honey

Yes, i did

Many, many, many times again, yeah

I've always played a losing hand

But it's bye, bye, bye, baby

That's what you're telling me

I wish you a lot of luck, darling

But i'm letting you know

You're still my baby

Ooh yeah

You may be, yes you may be

A thousand miles away, yeah

No matter how far or you may be

Looking at me somewhere

Right here in this town, lord, lord

But tell me all i, all i

All i want to know, know

Tell me, tell me what did i do, honey

Why, why, why did you put me down

Darling, darling

Somebody, somebody help me

Out of all this pain

But i've always played a losing game

But it's bye bye, baby, yeah

That's what you tellin'Lots of luck, darling

But i want you to know

That you're still my baby, my baby, my baby, yeah

You're still my baby, yeah

I want you to know

No matter where you go

No matter where i see you

I want you to be my baby

No matter what in the world you do

Honey, i want you to be my baby...

[ You're Still My Baby Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Triggers and memories - oh my!

2009-01-30T18:07:00.010-06:00

Funny the things that trigger memories. I looked at my watch today a little before 9:30 am; I was in a meeting filled with a bunch of tech professionals, everyone was engaged in discussion. I could not put my finger on it. I decided to work on email as the discussion did not pertain to me. As I turned off my screen saver, there she was. I built a collage of Lin's pictures and placed them as the background for my desktop. She was smiling in each picture; we were playing on the beach, some of the pictures, only four months old. 9:30 am was when she was pronounced, gone, dead. I packed up my stuff and rushed out the door as quickly as possible; to everyone in the room, I was on a mission; for me, I needed to breathe.

I went on-line today and created a new radio station on http://www.pandora.com/ . I called the station, Lin's music. I selected nothing but rock that she liked. I have been listening to it since I got home and worked from my desk here this afternoon. Teh station will evolve as time passes, try it; it is fun! This is the link to her station: http://www.pandora.com/stations/c98c7d961d53764d4d60d32c4a7675473a5582c0cdf59754

I went out to lunch with two new friends, Meredith and Emily. I have been cooped up with them since early January working on a project. We went to Main Street Grill. When I met Lin, I owned and lived in a house on Main street. A little time after Lin moved in, the restaurant opened. We made this our place. We would walk down the sidewalk, a whole two blocks and be greeted by Jo. She always, OK almost always, sat us in the same booth. We would wine, dine and laugh. Jo would usually place a bottle of wine in a bag for us to take home with our fantastic strawberry cheese cake; we didn't think we could get in trouble for drinking and walking. Walking in there today was made easier by being with friends.

All in all, I had a good week. There were a couple of times when things were great and I wanted to share my feeling with someone; the first person that popped in my head was Lin. I always called her first to share whatever was happening to me. Who is the first person you like to share with?

When I went to Houston over Christmas, I had an experience. I was driving, took the wrong turn and immediately looked over to my navigator's seat, there was no one to blame but my self that time around. It made me wonder, how many times I had blamed her for wrong directions, when it was really me. Not a sad thing, just reminded me that I can be an a-hole at times... It was a very quiet ride. We used to sing, laugh, eat sunflower seeds and get lost together; doing this by myself was pretty scary stuff. I wonder how many pilots like to fly solo versus have a co-pilot/navigator?

I hope that wherever Lin is today, she is well. She never met a stranger - I imagine someone somewhere is probably wanting her to make her point...she could get a little long winded. I hope she has visited all the beaches that we had only wished we could one day see.

I can't wait until the day that we can once more look into each other's eyes. I saw your beautiful soul dancing in the sun today as I sat in your car. I had pulled the top down and there were no clouds only bright sunshine beaming down on me and warming my being. It felt like you were with me. These were the types of days that you cherished. Days where you were outside from sun-up to sun-down. I miss you!

Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay - Otis Redding
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knymoALfH9o

SURPRISE! We celebrated your birthday!

2009-01-26T23:25:00.009-06:00

It was a spur of the moment thing. I talked about it for a while, but decided only the week before to celebrate Lin's birthday with a party. Allison and Dora helped me to plan the menu and off we went in different directions during the week. Dora did most of the cleaning and Allison took care of some speciality recipes. On Saturday we started cooking early and finished right on time as guests started to arrive, thanks to added help we got from Pat, Flora and Marti. I was apprehensive all week long for no good reason. I think between the holidays and her birthday; this was definitely the hardest time to endure. This was special as it was her special day.

I used to save all the special gifts for Lin's birthday rather than for Christmas. Items that she really wanted; I made her wait right past the holidays and boy was that hard on her. She was never one to keep a surprise. If she bought me a gift in October because she found a sale, I got it then rather than November. I, on the other hand, could wait until the day - I think this irked her somewhat. ;-)

On January 21st, Allison accompanied me to the cemetery to lay roses on Lin's grave. We stayed and visited for a while. It was a nice day; the weather was beautiful. There were allot of birds chirping around and the sound of the waterfall nearby made my heart smile. Lin would have loved the spot I chose for her, us. They have placed her final headstone. It was weird to see my name on the stone. I had not given it much thought in the past, what I would choose at the time of my death, how I would be buried. When I went to pick out a plot for Lin, I had promised her that I would get one for the both of us. She wanted to be cremated, so by osmosis, I will be cremated as well. The cemetery that she chose only serves cremations. I still find it strange that I made life long or should I say, after death decisions in only minutes. My logic was that I will no longer need my body when I am gone, so there really is not much thought to it, unless of course it is due to religious reasons.

I would venture to guess that at the height of the night, there were 45 well wishers crammed into the kitchen and dinning room. I think that it is funny that no matter what, everyone always ends up in the kitchen while the living room goes un-noticed. The menu was planned around finger foods as well as the type of foods that Lin liked, with a slight flair. We served pecan crusted chicken tenders, chicken wings with three sauces, seafood crab dip, mini quiches, boiled shrimp, Gorgonzola cheese truffles w/ fruit, veggie tray, deviled eggs, asparagus wraps, stuffed celery sticks and cheese cake. For those who missed the occasion, the food flowed as quickly as the drinks. I think everyone had a good time. Next year I will have to do better at the planning and sending invites.

It will be 3 months this coming Friday that Lin left my side. I still cry myself to sleep more than not and I still have much guilt over thoughts of "did I do all I can and did I make the right decisions". I don't guess that some of this will ever go away, only diminish on the amount of time I remember those those feelings. I still wonder why Lin; why now. Most of the time I am crushed that she is gone, while other times I am glad that she no longer feels all the pain.

"I wish you were here right now. I would hug you and hold onto you like I was never to see you again. I would tell you that yes, you are right about everything and I am/was wrong. I would give in more and argue less. I would take you to the beach and instead of reading, I would join you in a long walk as you looked for sand dollars. I would spend time helping you cultivate your garden instead of working on email. I would sacrifice an hour of sleep and wake up early to make you coffee for a change. I would take you for a leisurely drive on a Sunday morning instead of reading the newspaper back to back. Despite how unbearably hot it was, I would hug you while in bed more often. Most of all, I would just spend more time on us than on anything else." It is hard to know that I cannot change my past with Lin. I can never make-up for all those little things that I thought I would have a lifetime to recover.

I wish I could get a do-over button and get the chance to change all the things that could have possibly made a difference. I wish I could have said so many things to Lin, if only I had known that I had but a day left that she was coherent and she knew who I was. I would have made some different choices so she would not have suffered in pain for so long. I would have punched a doctor at RR Hospital; he was big ass. He made Lin cry by withholding medications; afraid she may become "addicted"; like that mattered. I wish Lin would have known how special she was.

Life is strange. It is like a ride on a roller coaster. You are scared to get on the ride when you see the twists, turns, jerking motions and even the speed at which you will travel. Once you are in the ride and buckled down, it does not seem as scary, until you take off. The anticipation that something will happen does not compare to when it actually does. Anticipation gives way to exhilaration, elation and euphoria. Then the ride is over and either you get back in line to take another gander or you sit and watch others engage. The only difference is that in a roller coaster, an engineer designed and built the twists and turns into place and they are quite expected. In real life, there is no such thing. You never know what will be around the corner.

Open your heart and let love in. Open your eyes and see the beauty around you. Listen with your ears, others most likely have something great to say. Take a deep breathe and enjoy all that nature has to give. Out-stretch your arms and hug someone you love; feel their love for you. We get but only one today. Tomorrow you cannot change what happened today. Yesterday is only memory. Change what you can, enjoy your life and smile allot.

I Will Remember You [Sarah McLachlan] dedicated to Lin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nBAJZrVp1k&feature=related

Forever Young - Happy Birthday Lin!

2009-01-20T18:48:00.006-06:00

Happy Birthday Lin Poulin!

Mildred Taylor once wrote, "We have no choice of what color we're born or who our parents are or whether we're rich or poor. What we do have is some choice over what we make of our lives once we're here."

You made the most of the life you were given. You possessed a beautiful, loving, caring and nurturing soul. We could not have asked for a more beautiful gift than to have had you as part of our lives. We cherish the memory of you. We miss you terribly!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dV__52qXJc0

The Gift - Thank You For Loving Me

2008-12-26T01:12:00.006-06:00

This is the first Christmas in nine years that Lin and I have not been together. This has been the worst year in both of our lives. My love has passed to another world and I miss her. I really thought that she would have been here this Christmas, even knowing that her illness had been given as terminal. We always thought we would have at least six months. Cancer knows no boundaries; it does not discriminate; it does not care who you are or what good you have done with your life; cancer consumes a person, their family, and friends.

I was glad my family was here today; but it just did not seem like Christmas without Lin. I woke up this morning knowing that I had to cook for the family as they were coming over to exchange gifts and take family pictures. Everyone was pairing up this evening as families or couples and posing for their pictures; my love was missing. The work of cooking took my mind off of Lin every now and then, but then again we used to cook together when we had company. I was the chef and she was the sous chef or visa-versa. Most of the time we would get into a tiff because I would tell her she needed to go in and take a shower and she would not listen and then she would be in a panic because everyone was due any minute and she would not have even taken a shower...how I miss those times.

Lori and Eric gave me a great gift for Christmas, it is the "American Idol, Wii" game. We all sang karaoke tonight and got critiqued by Simon, Paula and "The Dog". I actually won the competition between Erin, Alex, Art and I. Dora, Marti, Art (replaced by Erin) and I all played Rumicube tonight as well. Eric and Lori left early to get baby Corban to bed. Kandi, Don and Jonathan left shortly after dinner to head back to Devine (small town south of San Antonio). We all talked about the New Year's party that Lin and I hosted several years back. Lin had bought me karaoke machine as a Christmas gift. We used it that night and my brother-in-law, Ray sang Madonna, "Like a Virgin"! You have to understand that Ray is now ~72 years old and a real country type of a guy. We all laughed at the memory of Ray belting out that song after drinking a little liquid courage.

Lin got me. She knew me better than I knew myself. We had both been single for over four years each when we met. She was a breathe of fresh air. She was light hearted and I was serious. We were complete opposites. She often helped me to see things differently. She forced me to think twice. She made me a better person.

I went by Lin's grave yesterday and left her a dozen roses. They had already removed the Christmas ornament that I had left two weeks before. I had found a glass ornament in the shape of a surfboard; it had a scene of a beach painted on it. An oriental lady was there visiting a relative and singing Christmas songs in her native language. If Lin was present, I am sure she would have been asking for ear plugs.

Lin left me the best gift that she could have ever given me. I was walking around the house and looking for small trinkets that belonged to Lin as I was preparing a package for her youngest nephews with whom we had spent some time this summer on our vacation. I looked in a drawer and I found a small spiral; it was her Gratitude book. I had no idea that she had written in one. As it was near the back door, I would have to guess that she used to write in it when she went out on the patio to sit. She used to sit out there for hours at a time. Below I have exerted what she wrote, there is no date, nonetheless, it is the best gift that I have ever received from anyone:

"Roni -
I am so grateful for her love, support and encouragement. She has always told me and made me feel that I am a very intelligent, strong, good and caring person. She has always been there for me through all my illnesses, Hep-C, cancer treatments and operations and has helped me try to stay strong and positive which I have struggled with. She is an amazing person. No matter what adversities come our way, she always finds the positive in the situation. I really admire her and wish... and I am trying to be more like her in many ways. I fell in love with her because I believe we are soul mates and I think she is a very special person. I thank God for bringing such a kind person into my live. I also ask God to look over her and protect her every day, to provide her with lots of love, health and happiness. Roni really loves me unconditionally and I know I have been a pain in the ass at times and feel bad for that. I want to bring her as much support and happiness as she brought me. I love Roni so much. She is and Angel that God sent. What a gift from God."

Lin was my angel. She changed my life. Rest in peace my love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESOVrc4K3CQ&feature=related
Bon Jovi - Thank You For Loving Me
It's hard for me to say the things I want to say sometimes
There's no one here but you and me
And that broken old street light
Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Chorus:
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue
Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies

Chorus:
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

Solo

Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Chorus:
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
You parted my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

One Step Forward - Two Steps Back

2008-12-18T23:05:00.013-06:00

It will be seven weeks tomorrow that Lin passed away. Amazing that the most we had ever been apart was 4 days because I was traveling for business. She was diagnosed with ureter cancer February 2007, she fought a valiant battle with that disease for 20 months. It was not long after she was diagnosed that we were driving down road and talking about life in general. We were talking about death, like it would not visit our door. I surmised that some people had it hard because life goes on without you. Roads will be developed, houses will be bought and sold, babies will be born, people will laugh and celebrate while other will cry and all that will happen whether we are here or not.

What I didn't know then was that it was a very profound statement. When Lin passed away, I will be honest, sometimes I did not shower for days. It was not long ago that I was watching HBO and "P.S. I Love You" came on; I think they secretly recorded me. The girl's family did an intervention and cleaned her house. They asked her what was wrong with her face and she said she had a zit; her mother told her she should shower more often. My sister Marti said the same thing to me about my unexpected zits! Before and during the cancer battle, I used to live on 4-5 hours of sleep a night. At the height of my misery, not that I am out of the woods yet, but now, 10-12 hours doesn't seem to be enough.

I am struggling now that I am back at work. I have trouble concentrating on anything for too long and my sleep patterns are all screwed up. I still wake up at 1:30 every night, that is if I go to bed before then. Now that I have to wake up and attend 8am meetings, it has been sheer hell and caffeine that have got me through the day. The only positive thing that has come of all this has been the loss of 12 pounds.

I went to my friends' house JB and Sarah a couple of weeks ago. We met at Sarah's restaurant, http://www.angelsicehouse.com/ for lunch. I had the best Bloody Mary (uh - plural) that I have ever had and enjoyed some excellent chicken wings! I knew I was in Austin, cause you can take your dog here and there is even a menu for the mutts, kids too. Anyway, we had a good time there and then went to their house and watched a movie. I stayed the night, as they live near Egypt. We were talking about dancing and all kinds of things.

Talking about dancing got me thinking that night that it was not helping me to see all of Lin's clothes in the closet, bathroom and drawers every day that I would get dressed. I was thinking about two steps forward, one step back, repeating dance steps... As I looked around the bedroom at the girl's house, it was void of all things personal related to Lin or me and I convinced myself that I was ready to take a giant step forward.

I returned home Monday evening after spending most of the day with Sarah shopping. I started to go through the chest of drawers in the bedroom. I spent the whole week pulling out clothes, looking at them, deciding what to keep, what to throw away, what to give away to friends and family and what to donate. The girl had an enormous amount of clothes and shoes!!! Every time that I gave something away or as I watched Marti drive away with bags filled with clothes for the Women's Shelter; I felt that familiar stab in the chest feeling. My chest would get tight, I would feel a big lump in my throat and I felt like I was betraying Lin because now someone other than her would be wearing her clothes.

We buried Lin on my birthday, by chance. When were at the funeral home, I did not even know it was Nov 5. that we had chosen until Marti told me. With the in-laws nipping at my heels wanting to go home ASAP, I really had little choice. As I was cleaning out all of Lin's clothes, I kept wondering if I would find a little hidden or stashed present somewhere. Maybe she had asked someone to get me something... I would scour her pockets and look in all the boxes, drawers. I was looking for something, don't know what, but something. I only succeeded in disappointing myself. Later I thought about... if I did not know it was my birthday and I had all my faculties about me, how could I expect Lin to have remembered when she did not even remember who I was at the end?

When it as all done I could not help but breakdown and think ...two steps back.

Every day gets a little easier, but there is still allot to deal with. I went round and round with the insurance, their "Deliver the Promise" program. It did not matter that I paid them, they accepted my money bi-weekly and took it without question. But the guys at MetLife would not payout because of an internal business policy that said that I had to provide and Affidavit that proved that Lin and I had been in a relationship longer than six months. I explained that my employer did not request such documents of me or any other employee who added their domestic partners, hetro or homo, to their benefits. They did not care. I had to provide them one. How was that possible, I asked? Lin is dead, she cannot sign a freaking piece of paper!! Well, I ended up signing their Affidavit, un-notarized and not signed by Lin just so they would pay. They accepted the paper finally. This, after telling me right after Lin passed that they would pay right around two weeks (+/- a couple of days). Then they "promised" last week that the check was in the mail, FedEx. I asked for a tracking number, they could not give me one, so another week went by. I finally got a payout of the policy. I told their representative that this was not fair treatment as when asked, married hetro couples do not have to provide proof of marriage. I told him that they should change the program name to "Deliver the Lies".

Christmas is fast approaching and I am dreading it. I see everyone getting into the spirit and almost feeling giddy. I saw a young couple today in the parking lot of the bank and they were walking hand in hand, talking about XMAS shopping, laughing and kissing; it made me very sad. I wondered who would buy me power tools this time around or who would know or even ask what I wanted. Lin always got me power tools and gadgets that I wanted. I know it is selfish, but that is what I thought. I was shopping on-line weeks back and even looked at things that Lin would like, only to delete the purchases as Lin would not be here.

Well, Chickle' and Prada moved to Houston several weeks back. Lin would be happy that they ended up in a home where they are loved and wanted. They have been adopted by Eric, Alyssa and Mia. Mia is three years old and has decided that they needed new names, so she called Chickle', Max and Prada is now Ruby. Chickle' has taken to his new name, but Prada is another story, she was always somewhat snobbish, thus the name. They are adjusting well. Max allows Mia to do anything she wants with him and Ruby, aka Prada, has adopted Alyssa.

When Lin was in her last days, I used to go into our bedroom and lay with her on the hospital bed and listen to Sade. She introduced me to her music when we met. Today I turned on my system at work and wanted to listen to some music and Sade came on ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sAPO1CyDJ4&feature=related
Sade
By Your Side

you think i'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
i wouldn't do that
i'll tell you you're right when you want
ha ah ah ah ah ah
and if only you could see into me
oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
when you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in
i will show you you're so much better than you know
when you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again
i will find you darling and i will bring you home
and if you want to cry
i am here to dry your eyes
and in no time
you'll be fine
you think i'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
i wouldn't do that
i'll tell you you're right when you wrong
ha ah ah ah ah ah
and if only you could see into me
oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
when you're low
i'll be thereby your side baby
oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
oh when you're low
i'll be there
by your side baby

Thank You Kandi!

2008-11-28T22:41:00.004-06:00

I forgot to thank Kandi for all her hard work! She ran a 26 MILE marathon on November 15 and told us that Lin served as her inspiration. She ran with a picture of Lin pinned to her shirt. She told me that at one point, she was in pain, but felt for Lin's picture and thought if Lin endured the pain that she did in dealing with cancer, then she could force herself to push on as well.

Kandi - you are truly a one-of-a-kind sister! Marti and I have started...started...to talk about getting ready for the marathon for next year. You are a great example and inspiration to us all as well.

No time to say good-bye.

2008-11-28T20:47:00.009-06:00

I was getting dressed the other day; I am still not able to sleep nights despite taking Ambien. As I sat on the bed and started to put on my socks, I remembered how Lin used to get out of bed and sit next to me and talk to me about her plans for the day, ask me about mine. For a moment, time stood still. This is the fourth Friday anniversary of her death. I miss her pleasant quiet voice in the mornings saying good morning; her thoughtfulness to get out of bed even though she did not have to in order to make me coffee for my drive to work. I miss her cuddling up next to me in the mornings and asking me to stay in bed five more minutes. There will never be enough time to say goodbye to your loved one. Worship every moment that you get; make the most of it.

The Friday she died time stood still. I don't know if that happens in order for a person to process everything that is going on or if it just happens because your brain cannot comprehend just what is happening around you. I remember the talking in the background, music playing, the smell of coffee in the air. I heard birds chirping outside and the sound of a car as it drove by. I remember her mom holding a tissue in her hand and turning it over and over, just fiddling with it. Mostly, I remember the rhythmic sounds of Lin's breathing and my anticipation of her next breathe. Have you ever watched a movie and someone is holding their breathe as they are going to dive into water or something of that nature and you find yourself holding your breathe as well with them? I could not hold my breathe, I did not understand how Lin continued to breathe over and over again. I remember the moment that Bonnie shook her head to indicate that Lin had died. I would have gladly given my life for hers at that moment. It all comes back to me, frame by frame.

The pain has not diminished. There are days when life is normal; I laugh and I remember my love for Lin and hers for me. I remember her laughing; I smell someone smoking a cigarette and think of her. I used to loathe the smell. I remember that her favorite Christmas movies were "A Christmas Story" and "The Grinch That Stole Christmas", the Jim Carey version and I smile. Then there are the moments that I am cleaning the kitchen sink or reminding myself that I need to take a shower and I feel a stabbing pain in my chest, breathing becomes hard; I fall apart. I remember how she loved me in her own ways and I fall apart again, for no reason again. I want to throw myself on the floor and writhe in the pain as if it will bring her back again. I believed in her love; our love; the love we gave each other. I know I will not ever love anyone that way again; the we loved one another, our world together; I know I almost touched heaven. Once you feel a love so real and lose love is to know that you will never feel it the same way again.

I was not ready to say good-bye to Lin. No matter how many times the nurses told me that she would pass away any time; I guess I just did not want to hear it. I did not have the conversations with Lin that I needed to. I did not say what I needed to say. We were both too scared to talk about death and dying and the inevitable loss that I would experience when she was gone. I think she did not want to cause me any more pain than what I was already feeling and I did not want to burden her with more pain than the physical pain that she was already feeling. Instead, I was falling in love with her all over again I wanted to court her; I wanted to tell her I had a crush on her; that she was cute; I did not want to talk to her about funerals, possessions and the ache that I felt in my heart, the inevitable pain of loneliness that would take me over today, yesterday, tomorrow. I wanted to talk about the magic of the love that I felt in my heart the moment I saw the child in her eyes but she was regressing and was slowly forgetting me. I was losing her slowly each day. I wanted to say good-bye but could not find the words or the right time. I had stupidly put my head above my heart.

Alex and I went by her grave today and left her roses and rose pedals. We talked to Lin of our Thanksgiving dinner together. We shared with her the prayer that we had asked God the evening before. I asked God to take Lin and into his hands, touch her heart, her wings and allow us to feel her presence; that we may know she and others that had passed on before her were now in a better place.

My feelings are all over the place today and I am sure that I am not making much sense today. There are so many things that I would do all over again, much differently. There are many others that I would not change as I would not have otherwise met or known Lin, felt her love. I appreciate the pain at times as it makes the feelings of love go that much deeper. There are hours when they seem they will last forever and I never want to feel that pain again, but then I remember the minutes like our sitting on the bed as I put on my socks and wish they would never have ended.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3D2DDxD1m0&feature=related

Celine Dion
Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Sleepless in Austin

2008-11-14T00:31:00.003-06:00

Have you ever gotten out of bed and felt like crap? You force yourself to jump in the shower, grab a cup of coffee maybe some toast, get in your car and head for the office. The whole time your driving you keep thinking you don't want to talk to anyone, just get to your desk, do some email, work on your projects and basically just get through the day. But the first thing that happens is that you run into cheery Joe, "top of the morning! How are you feeling today?"

Those are the days that I want to just stick my head in the proverbial sand. I know everyone is well intentioned and all, but I find myself in this position allot lately. How are you doing? Well I just lost my spouse permanently, not because she wanted to go, believe me she told me. I just buried her a little under a week ago...blah...blah..blah. How would you respond? I know this will be hard for people to understand but I find myself at a loss for words.

This all still feels surreal. I keep expecting Lin to walk in the door. I pressed the button today to listen to messages and there was her voice. "Hi Honey! Boy this message sounds horrible. You need to rerecord it. Call me!" Makes me want to pick up the phone, however, I don't think the AT&T tower can handle the call.

I went to the dentist Monday as I lost a crown. He convinced me that I needed to come in for a check up as it had been a while. As the dental hygienist was cleaning my teeth, she kept commenting on how well they looked considering. I finally asked her just how long it had been since I had been in; she smiled, 19 months. Right around the time that Lin was first diagnosed with cancer. In the next couple of weeks I will have two root canals and two bridges put in. I had not realized just how much I had neglected myself. No wonder Lin kept reminding me to take better care of myself and not to worry about her.

I went to the lawyer office on Wednesday and spent several hours at the social security office. I found out a little bit about "joint tenancy". I would suggest that you look at your bank accounts and real estate records and find out how they are set up (talk to your lawyer, my interpretation my be incorrect). It is a form of ownership by two or more individuals together. It differs from other types of co-ownership in that the surviving joint tenant immediately becomes the owner of the whole property upon the death of the other joint tenant. This is called a Right of Survivorship. If you do not have this...oh my. There is something called tenancy in common. It is another form of co-ownership. It is the ownership of an asset by two or more individuals together, but without the rights of survivorship that are found in a joint tenancy. Upon the death of one co-owner, his or her interest will not pass to the surviving owner or owners but will pass according to his or will. If there is no will, his or her share will pass according to the law determining heirs. If you are gay, have tenancy in common and do not have a will, your spouse will not have any legal rights! I thank Lin for putting her will together last year!! By the way social security works along the same line, surviving heirs or will; however a gay spouse is not entitled to any death benefits regardless of how much your spouse contributed to the system.

I hope that someone can benefit from what Lin and I have experienced. I never knew death could take such a toll on a person; the dying or the living. I have experienced death in my family before but never knew it so intimately.

I keep reliving the last week of Lin's life. Each time the reel plays in my head I do things differently, but no matter what the movie ends the same. I see different parts of our past, kind of like the chapter breakout on a DVD; I relive those times as well. I get mad at things that I said, that I should have said and for the times that I should have just listened.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWwRb2A9idY

Barbara Streisand
Why Did I Choose You?

Why did I choose you?
What did I see in you?
I saw the heart you hide so well
I saw a quiet "woman" who had a gentle way
A way that caught me in it’s glowing spell
Why did I want you?
What could you offer me?
A love to last a life time through
And when I lost my heart so many years ago,
I lost it lovingly and willingly to you...
If I had to choose again,
I would still choose you...

Walking Down a Different Path

2008-11-10T22:26:00.013-06:00

It is hard for me to believe that it has been 10 days since Lin passed away and 5 days since we placed her ashes at her grave site. So much has happened since then and yet nothing that has had the significance or impact of those two events.

The nights are the worst; they crawl slowly past. I watch old movies, new movies, movies that we watched together, and some she would never watch (she disliked foreign films with subtitles). I read newspapers, books, bibles, and browse through what seems to be endless Internet sites. I don't know what it is that I will find or for what I search; but I have yet to find it.

I feel like I am living inside of a fish tank. The people on the outside are living, breathing, conversing and going about their day, their existence. I cannot jump out; I cannot communicate; I cannot join them in their lives...I only swim in my little box and watch life happen around me.

I have experienced guilt, remorse, regret, anger, anguish, and emptiness, sometimes all at once. When I get to the empty part, that does not seem to last long as I go back and start all over again. I look to the day when the cycle will break.

I guess the living have it a little harder after the fact. We have to figure out how to cope with life and continue to move forward. Don't get me wrong, I know Lin was in pain before she died, I do not mean to belittle that one bit. She was the strongest person that I have ever met. I have to hand it to her, if it is one thing that she had; it was the will to live. She out lived every prediction every time, except the last. I wish I possessed her strength, mine seems to have dwindled in time.

The living, the survivors, must deal with all the messiness of our loved one's passing. The legal ramifications are one thing, especially if you are gay. We have to deal with every day things that one does not normally think about. Under whose name is the electric bill? Do you need a death certificate to change the account to your name even if you have been paying the account all along? What about credit cards...if they are not in your name, do you have to pay them? You better talk to your lawyer...that one is an "if" statement. I found out this weekend we ( I guess this now means me and the dogs now) are low on propane. I don't know who to call or how long it will take get the tank filled. The pool needs tending, how much muratic acid do I put in there and when? Oh, yeah I almost forgot, that I have to hook up a hose and do something else to it, but I will be damned if I can remember.

I did laundry today. This was a first in years. Lin took very good care of me. I brought home the bacon; she took care of the household and us. I feel lucky that I did not end up with anything pink. Grocery shopping...I had started doing the shopping a while back as her stamina had decreased, problem is that I keep thinking of her favorite items and brands when I shop.

I know that I will have to go through all of Lin's things sometime. I was forced to start the process when her family was here. When I mention the gay and the legal thing; do yourself a favor and get a will, you can thank me later. Everyone gets highly emotional and not everyone will think rationally. The will can be of help, especially if you are the person leaving the will. Do not leave it up to your executor to decide who gets what; write it down, use a recorder, video tape it, do anything that will make it clear what your wishes and intentions are. You loved ones will thank you and sing your praises.

I don't know what an appropriate time is to "clean house" sort of speak. I guess that it comes with time. I will know when I am ready. I am still in the looking at pictures and remembering the past phase, if there is such a thing. There are so many things to do, but I cannot bring myself to do some of them. Allison reminded me the other day that I need to do the necessary things such as paying the electric bill, etc. She even sent me a list of things to do today. Whatever would I do without such friends? (Yes, Allison I made all the appointments! I go to the doctor tomorrow morning.) (Genny that was for you too!)

It is so easy to forget about yourself when you are caring for others. Their needs are greater and immediate so you put yours to the back burner. You must be careful, however, only a couple of pots fit on the stove; you can lose track of what you have on the fire.

My thoughts do not seam to be streaming rationally. I feel like I know what it is like to have ADD. I cannot concentrate on anything too long. In the time that it has taken me to write this, I have folded two loads of wash, gone through a pile of bills, insurance papers and social security stuff that I have to deal with. Sometimes I just stare into space, not a thought in mind, just observation of what is going on about me (I call it the fish tank stare). Can you deposit a check if it is made to a deceased person? Need to add the bank to my to do list.

I am sure that life will go back to normal, whatever new standard that may be, sometime in the future. For now, I go to bed after 5:30am (I used to give Lin meds throughout the night and wake to tend to her needs on a schedule). If I can get to sleep with aid of a sleeping pill then I find that I wake every hour until I finally give up and just lay in bed; on those days I am awake by 5:30am, but just lay int bed. Some days I just do not want to get out of bed, but force myself to at least get dressed and move about the house. I know have to get back into a normal schedule as work will soon be very demanding.

Lin and I are walking down different paths; we are worlds apart. I always thought we would grow old together and walk hand in hand down the beach, her other love. For now, she will get to enjoy the surf and sea on her own and wait until I can catch up to her in the future.

On-Line memorial tribute to Lin

2008-11-02T22:00:00.003-06:00

I have created an on-line memorial tribute to Lin. You can find it at this address: http://www.theeternalportal.com/tributes/linda-poulin/

Please feel free to share your memories or condolences. You will be able to light a virtual candle and send a virtual flower as well.

Update:
Family and friends will meet at Beck Funeral Home at 15709 Ranch Road 620 for an escorted procession to Remembrance Gardens. The procession will leave Beck Funeral Home no later than 10:30 am, November 5, 2008.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests with gratitude that memorial contributions be directed to Asera Care Hospice at 1212 Palm Valley Blvd., Round Rock, TX 78664 in memory of Lin Poulin.

Celebration of life

2008-11-02T02:27:00.007-06:00

A memorial service will be held at eleven o’clock in the morning on Wednesday, the fifth of November at Remembrance Gardens at Riverbend, at 4214 Capital of Texas Highway in Austin. Family and friends will meet at Beck Funeral Home at 15709 Ranch Road 620, by 1015am for escorted procession to Remembrance Gardens. In lieu of flowers, the family requests with gratitude, that memorial contributions be directed to Asera Care Hospice 1212 Palm Valley Blvd., Round Rock, TX 78664 in memory of Lin Poulin.

I MISS YOU

2008-11-02T00:50:00.013-05:00

Lin did not request to go outside or to leave her bed on Thursday. Everything seemed different somehow, but I could not put a finger on it. I stayed close by all day.

Wednesday, as she rested on the couch, she called me. Lin asked me to find her journal. I suggested that I get her a recorder that I had bought her as she had difficulty holding on to objects. I brought her the most recent journal I found nearby. She asked me to start reading it to her, from the beginning. As I read her thoughts, I kept thinking, how do you live with someone for eight years and not know what she was thinking, how she felt about things, what was on her mind? I got to know her more intimately and read to her until she fell asleep. Before she fell asleep, I asked her if the reading was for her or more for my benefit, she raised an eyebrow. I placed the journal back on the shelf.

There was something different about Thursday. I was anxious; there was something that was gnawing at my thoughts. I was forgetful all day. I found myself at the edge of angry and sad all at the same time.

Marti and Erin helped me on this night. Lin would not un-grit her teeth to take in meds. She would not swallow and instead spit them out. She knew more than all of us. Erin and I crushed some of her meds (spoke to Bonnie, her RN) and mixed them with the liquid morphine to try to make it easier for her. We even tried to get her to take some yogurt with a capsule emptied into it; she was having difficulty swallowing .... a mistake on my behalf. This meant that we would have to move her to administer the drugs rectally; cause her more pain. We finally got her settled and sleeping.

For some reason or another I could not sleep. I thought I would stay up reading a novel. I moved my office chair to her bedside and placed an ottoman in front of me. I grabbed hold of her hand and read. Around 2am, I thought the better of it and retrieved the journal and began reading it. I continued to hold her hand as I sat with her, maintaining contact as much as possible. I saw myself through her eyes and read of what she thought of me. She loved me, I was her best friend. I read her intiment thoughts and I felt like I was invading; however, grew to love her more intensely than before. In her writing, I felt her trust, her love of many things, her weaknesses, her vunerabilities, and her anguish and fear of the cancer.

I went to the futon to sleep, but could only toss and turn. I was falling asleep when thought I had heard Lin call out "Minnie Min", one of her pet names for me. The memories of times that we spent together started to pour into my head and the thought that we would not be able to make new memories filled my mind; my heart exploded into a million tiny pieces. No matter what I tried, there were now holes in my heart that could not be filled. I began to shake uncontrollably, I lost command of my body. I did not want Lin to hear me but there were noises coming from my mouth that I did not recognize, I was now in agony. I wept as quietly as I could, however, without restrain. I could not sleep; I moved back to the chair and took hold of her hand once more.

I don't know exactly when, but I fell to sleep in the chair (I know it was after 5:30 as I had continued to read). I awoke abruptly around 8am as I noticed a change in her breathing. She was taking quick short breathes followed by breaks with no breathing. She had done this before, but this was different. I was scared. I called Bonnie, her RN.

Bonnie arrived quickly. By this I time, I had summoned her mother and sister and called a couple of her and my friends. I continued to hold her hand. Her hands had started to grow cold, lose color; her nails had turned a pale yellow and her fingers looked like they were bruised in the knuckles. I knew this was a sign of her body shutting down, but was hoping against all odds that it was not true.

I stayed by her side, watching and counting breathes. Four breathes, count to 21 and then four breathes, count to 21...I continued to count. Marlene left the room. Bonnie was talking and I was interacting, sometimes. Four breathes, count to 21... four breathes, count to 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31; I looked at Bonnie. This cannot be true! I looked at Lin and then back to Bonnie; I closed my eyes and looked to her Mother. Lin was not going to breathe ever again...! I was screaming inside. Every nerve in my being, hurt. My broken heart shattered once again. The person that had been weeping uncontrollably on the futon the night before was now embracing Lin and weeping without restraint or care. This person could not be me. I have a wife, she is going to walk in any minute and tell me it is all a mistake, a big joke. It was not to be.

The love of my life was pronounced at 9:30 am, October 31, 2008. She never awoke from her slumber; I pray she was not in pain.

Lin chose to be cremated. So the nurses aid, Marc and I began to prepare her for viewing in the home by friends and family. We washed her body, her hair, and we dressed her in blue, her favorite color. I blow dried her hair the way she liked it. Family and close friends came in to pay their respects.

We had started to play a satellite radio station on the TV on Wednesday and kept it playing non-stop as Lin loved a room filled with music. I don't know if it was coincidence, but when allot of my friends, that happen to work for the same company that I do came in the room, the song "Live Like You Were Dying" came on. Lin often told me that my friends and I devoted way too much time to "the company" and not to ourselves and families; how apropos.

Last night I spent the night at my friends' house, Jacque and Sarah; I could not stay in our house. We met Marti, Marlene and her Mom today at Remembrance Gardens at Riverbend. We went to pick a plot for Lin ... and me. Afterward we went to Beck Funeral Home to make cremation arrangements and to view her one last time.

This all seems surreal. Although I know that she is no longer with us; it does not ring true to me. I keep expecting to hear her call me, to hear her laugh, to hear her talk sweetly to me, only to find she is talking to the dogs, anything! I look around the room and expect to see her walking around corner at any time. I keep looking at pictures willing her back to life, to no avail; she is not coming back.

Slipped Away - Avril Lavigne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoJhLQrNKP8&feature=related
I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.
[Chorus]The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly
[Chorus]The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back
I miss you.

When I'm Gone

2008-10-31T11:43:00.002-05:00

Linda Gervaise Poulin was visited by her guardian angel this morning and she has passed on to a new world where there is no pain or suffering. She was born January 21, 1958 and passed October 31, 2008.

She did not awake from her restful sleep...

Services are pending and will be held at Remembrance Garden in Austin.

Further updates will be posted as more details are made available.

When I'm Gone
When I'm gone from your side,
And all your tears have been dried ...
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow;
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
And when you stroll in the evening hours,
And smell the aroma of beautiful flowers;
There'll be no need to sob and cry ...
I am not there, I did not die!

Now I lay me down to sleep...

2008-10-30T22:47:00.006-05:00

Did you ever awaken from a dream only to realize that you were dreaming and actually waking? I had a dream many years ago, it seemed so real to me, almost like a premonition. I could tell you every single detail...there was a campfire, there was a hearth made of stone with a wire rack were I was warming a pot of coffee, the old fashioned type, silver with a little crystal looking gadget on top that allowed you to see the coffee peculating.

Today felt like I was in a waking dream, actually a real nightmare. In the course of a couple of days everything has changed. Today Lin did not eat food; she did not leave the bed; she does not speak coherently any longer; she did not want any medicine; she told me that she did not want to die.

We put her to bed around 10pm the night before. I was not feeling well at all and crashed for the first time since this all began. Apparently, I fell asleep on the chair next to her as she lay on the couch, this was mid afternoon. Marti tried to wake me for dinner and I could be roused. I only awoke when I heard everyone talk about how they would move Lin to bed. Well, I was not the only who slept the afternoon; Lin fell asleep earlier in the day when Pastor Mike came by to talk about her services.

I spent an hour straightening our bedroom, getting meds ready for the night and the morning as well as getting water and juice in insulated coffee cups (they stay cold throughout the night as Lin likes cold drinks). I decided that I needed to stay up and read as I guessed Lin would wake around 1:30am as she had in the past after sleeping for many hours. Like clockwork she awoke at 1:23am. I got her meds, water, etc., but was not able to calm her, only agitate her. She spoke Marlene's name several times. At 2:15am I woke Marlene up to speak to Lin. For most of the day, Lin was only mumbling, half conscious half asleep. She clearly articulated, " I do not want to die". What does one say? How does one respond to this? I could only answer that there was nothing that I could do. Her path is set, her death will happen; it is up to her to pick the right time.

I prepared some meds for her and hoped they would put her at ease. She finally gave in to the meds and fell asleep. Marlene went back to the couch and I to the futon in the bedroom. At 3:30am, Lin once again articulated clearly into the dark room, that she did not want to die. I got up to check on her, she was soundly sleeping. I could not fall back to sleep, so I read for a while.

I got Lin up around 8:30am to start with her daily med routine. We are no longer able administer them orally and cannot give her a full cocktail as not all of them will dissolve the same. It takes three of us to give her pain meds, etc. Lin no longer expresses her likes or dislikes via voice, but through grunts and other facial expressions. I think she would prefer to take her meds the good old fashioned way. Yesterday, we found two more tumors on her right side, below her breast, on her ribs. She had been holding on to that side for the last couple of days and complaining of pain. We should have checked sooner. Each time we roll her to change her clothing, the sheets or give her meds, it causes her extreme pain.

She told me this morning that she was dying and wanted to talk to Pastor Mike. I called upon him and he responded quickly. Mike spent several hours with us. Lin continues to linger in a twilight. She is no longer with us, but she has yet to leave. Mike spoke to her in a soft, pleasant voice, coaxing her to let go, to leave the pain behind, that it was alright for her to rest. She would have none of it. Her pulse remains strong, although at 143 (per the nurses read-out).

Lin is currently experiencing what is known as terminal restlessness - http://www.hospicepatients.org/terminal-agitation.html

Her body is giving out, however, her spirit and her soul are not yet ready to leave us. The folks from Hospice tell us that other than the cancer, Lin was healthy when all this started. Most patients exhibiting the type, grade and metastasis of cancer would most likely not be of this earth today; however, our Lin continues to defy the odds.

We pray that she is delivered from her pain. I pray that she finds what she seeks; that for which she is waiting. I don't like this nightmare, too many of the details linger in my mind daily. I hear a pulse in my ears even when I am away from Lin's side. Tomorrow is new day, another chance to end her suffering.

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; Should I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."

On Family and Friends

2008-10-29T15:47:00.003-05:00

People come and go from our lives, some remain constant, others come for a while and go, they may come back, they may not. Some people we take for granted; we think they will always be there for us.

There are people in our lives currently, that had they not been here for us; I do not know where we would be right now. Our family has come to our aid on numerous occasions, Julie, Marlene, Marti, Dora, Alyssa, Eric, Art, Lori, Laura, Erin, Alex and Fran have all played a part in helping us care for Lin.

Our friends have been here for for all types of help, no request has been out of the question: Allison, TK, Katrina, Genny, Mark, Jacque, Sarah, Marc, Jesse, Burt, Ron, Judy and numerous other friends (please do not be offended if I have forgotten to list you specifically; my brain seems to have gone haywire) have come to aid repeatedly.

It was Allison who has helped me to fill in the blank recently - I had forgotten what had happened on Saturday (what are friends for?).

From Allison: "Saturday was a very eventful day for Lin, as she was up around 5am. I believe you two had another talk about the status of things because she couldn't remember. By the time I got there at 7 to "help", all of you were sitting around the breakfast table. Lin had two pieces of toast in front of her - one with strawberry jam. She was eating fruit from the fruit bouquet someone sent you, (Thank you Aggies!! - they sent a beautiful fruit bouquet!) and some chocolate had fallen to the floor from one of the pears. She was adamant that I find the chocolate before one of the dogs did - she didn't want them to get sick. She looked GREAT, and we took a few photos right there at the table. Julie was still in bed (an anomaly, but good that she slept in and got a little rest). You talked to Lin about making sure to include Julie in things she could do to help, and once Julie came downstairs, Lin obliged by asking her Mom to make her coffee, and telling Marlene that her coffee wasn't as good as Julie's (such a comedian).

Lin also let all of us know her displeasure in the fact that she continued to be dressed in light-colored t-shirts, which are just way too easy to stain, especially when drinking juice from a straw.

After breakfast she wanted to go outside, so I took her, and left her with her Mom and Marlene. We sat inside until Marlene tried to bring her in around 9. Marlene said she just faded very fast. Marlene couldn't get her up the ramp, so I went to help. Lin wanted to get a clean shirt, so you took her to take care of that, and put on a very pretty aqua-colored one. Afterwards, she sat in the recliner and took a short nap. TK was also there.

Roni adding - Lin woke up telling of her needed help as he had been constipated 5 days now, this is despite our pouring all types of additives and medicines into her system at twice and three times the rate recommended. The morphine has a way to retard bowels and it is painful. She had a visit from the RN Director as her regular weekend RN, Dorthy was not able to attend to her. All the ladies in the house thought he was drop dead gorgeous. Julie went upstairs to put on lipstick! He sat and talked with us for a while and was ready to leave. I got up to walk him out and he miss-read my intentions and gave me big hug. Julie and Marlene got jealous and asked "what about us?"; they got a hug as well.

Laura came over on Saturday evening to help us out. Lin told us that she fell in love with her new girlfriend at Starbucks. She was a big flirt when it came to Laura. Anything Laura said, was fine with her. We all knew she was flirting and we laughed about it all.

We also got a delivery of some beautiful flowers and a tray of fruit on Saturday from Chellie and Wendy - thank you very much! The flowers are still blooming today, very beautiful colors (fruit is gone however, these Canadians love their fruit for breakfast)!

Sunday morning, I reminded Lin about her new girlfriend; she was embarrassed!! Laura is our niece. Her face turned especially red when I told her that Laura was coming back Sunday afternoon.

Without family and friends in our lives we would all be empty and void of love, kindness, affection, support, a shoulder to lean upon, someone to vent to and comfort. Have you hugged your loved one lately?

What's the routine in your life?

2008-10-28T17:07:00.005-05:00

The days pass and I forget if it is Monday, Tuesday or Sunday. My only indicators in the past would be the Sunday paper, work schedule or getting ready for trash day for Wednesday.

I no longer read the paper, I don't even know if it gets delivered or not, someone will pick it up and it shows up in the dining room or living room somewhere, sometimes there may be more than one hanging around. I have a schedule that is not a schedule. I have to give Lin her meds at specific times, that is about it. Waking times vary as well as when I actually get to bed. I used to know it was trash day when I would drive home on Tuesday after work as my neighbors would already put their cans out. I have not ventured away from home but a handful of times since this all started.

I turned on the TV the other night and thought I would watch a show. We used to have certain shows that we would watch at night. Lin would make supper and we would cart out the TV trays to watch our favorites. As I looked at the Tivo listing, I noticed that I was almost out of storage. We have not been watching what we record. It used to be so important that Hero's or Ugly Betty was recording as scheduled so we could catch up on the latest or talk about what we thought might happen next. We even used to have a friend or two over in the past to watch certain shows, like dinner and a movie. Amazing how this is not as important as it used to be.

When I was going to work, I would get up and get ready while Lin would get up and make coffee, sometimes pack a lunch for me. Today, she woke up at six. I gave her morphine, sat her up in bed, got her fresh water and juice and made the coffee. Brought her a cup of coffee to bed and had to break the news that she was not going anywhere, despite her wishes, because we needed to get her into a new sling to transport her. She has lost about twenty pounds so had started to fall through the opening of her old sling, we had to switch to new one that is made for a totally immobile person. I would need help to position the new sling, everyone else was still asleep.

On Sunday, some of her friends came over to sit with her a while. It was very nice that they came over as a group, these are friends that she would meet at a support group weekly and then have coffee with them. She looked forward to this visit, however, getting cleaned up, dressed and moved from the bedroom to the living room, proved to be very tiring for her and so she was asleep by the time her friends got to sit with her. They were very kind in bringing a lasagna, salad and bread for our consumption later.

I know today is Tuesday, I changed watches so I could keep up with time and dates. I am at a total loss for Saturday! Eric came by to help with the laptop, it is the third time the hard drive has crashed, thankfully he has been able to recover the majority of our pictures. I think this all happened on Sunday, not sure.

Monday was a very trying day. Lin woke up full of piss and vinegar. She was ready to tackle the world. She awoke at 6am. She wanted to get dressed and get a move on going outside, making phone calls, lists, etc. As we dressed her we made note of intense skin color change in her legs, purplish blotchy knees and feet and the fact that they were freezing cold, an indication of her body shutting down as the blood is no longer flowing to her legs. She also had blood and clots in her urine. The surge of energy is also an indicator. The nurse agreed with the assessment as we have a listing of physical traits that we track. She advised once again, be ready, Lin's time to go can happen at any time.

I have promised Lin that I will keep her apprised of her health situation and had the first talk with her last week to let her know that she was in a dying process that was accelerated. With the tumors in her head, she forgets things. I had to bring her up to speed again on the situation and add that some of the indications now let us know that she could pass at any time.

Lin defies the laws of nature. Just hours after speaking with her and experiencing an emotional time, all her symptoms went away. The Hospice folks tell us that she is not following the "normal" dying process.

Today, she awoke at 6am. No indicator symptoms. She had coffee and yogurt for breakfast and then fell asleep in the recliner early in the morning. She awoke at 4pm, still all normal and sat outside for at least an hour. She is now napping on the couch.

Her heart is working harder than ever, however, her blood pressure has now dropped to normal. Her body vitals are much like our daily routine schedule, erratic at best.

2008-10-24T11:02:00.003-05:00

Thursday and Friday were event filled days.

I went to the lawyers office. It is horrible that in this day and age gay people do not have the same civil rights as everyone else. I had to go and ensure that our interests were indeed addressed by the will that we had drawn up when we found out about the cancer almost two years ago. The lawyer advised that everything looked in order as far as the will; however, we have to look for precedent, etc on how to address real estate as we are both on the deeds. We are not sure how this will be looked at or handled considering we could not be legally married. That was a stress filled event, both prior and at the time of the appointment.

Lin woke up at 5am and was full of energy. She had to go outside. Alyssa was a big help while she was here! I hated to wake her so early, but I needed help. Getting her dressed is a big chore now. She ate breakfast and lunch and then crashed. She slept all afternoon and woke only for a few minutes in the evening.

She awoke at 2:30 am, Friday morning and wanted to go outside. Marti and Marlene took the night shift from me and they had "fun" convincing her that it was not a good idea as it was cold and too early.

Eric arrived at 7am for the morning shift, woke the girls up! I came down the stairs worried that no one had started administering morphine before her normal meds were due. Someone told me to go back to bed, they were on it. It is hard to rest not knowing if Lin is being tended to in the same manner that I have been addressing her needs. I was half awake / sleep listening to the monitor and could hear that both Marti and Marlene were being very attentive.

Thank goodness Eric was in, he helped to literally pick Lin up and move her to her w-chair without aid of the lift.

Genny brought over dinner on Friday, thank you! With Genny providing dinner, we were able to start work on funeral / memorial discussions. This is not an easy task. It is almost like you have to shut down your emotions and think of Lin in terms of a body instead of a living person. Marti did the hard work

We picked a poem for her memorial, it is called "When I'm Gone". I think she made the decision for us a long time away as everything will be themed with either beach or seagulls.

Her mother, sister and I talked about Lin's eventual obituary.

Saturday - Lin's breathing was very shallow this morning, her eyes were very sunken and her hands were drawing inward. She awoke again at 5am. I kept hearing a beeping sound and thought that it was my alarm, it was not. Someone left the refrigerator door open. I walked into Lin's room thinking something was wrong. She asked me to stay with her. I crawled into bed with her (a tight fit) and I had also turned on a Sade CD. We talked about allot of things that we had been avoiding. I also had to remind her that we had already spoken about the fact that she was in the dying process, she does not have allot of time left. We cried together.

After sometime, I went and got some help to get her up. Lin looked more beautiful than she had in a long time. He face was radiating, she had allot of color. The sunken eyes had disappeared. She sat at the breakfast table and ate. She went outdoors and sat with her mom and sister. She crashed around 9am. She slept until 1pm today. She woke up long enough to have some soup for lunch and managed to spill her drink 3 times. She coyly told Laura that she was helping her get ready for eventual child rearing. She fell back to sleep. We put her into bed around 3pm.

Her weekend nurse told us that Lin can go at any time. Her high blood pressure has started to come down. We thought it was a good sign...prior to her eventual passing, her blood pressure will drop and her heart will slow. We are wondering what will happen tonight...

Transition is not just another word

2008-10-22T17:14:00.012-05:00

According to Encarta Dictionary , transition is a process or period in which something undergoes a change and passes from one state, stage, form, or activity to another. We, all people, are always in a a transition state. For Lin it is a bit more obvious, now.

I can't believe that last night she was awake and talking to us just like any other day in the past. She was more of a comedian that she has ever been, really funny. Yesterday, she slept from noon to 7:30pm, no one had to prod her to take a nap as in the past, which is usually the case.

I awoke this morning to the sound of her voice calling me to take her to the bathroom. We did our normal routine. I left her to do her business and walked to the front door to let in the sunshine. The season has transformed from summer to autumn, with gloomy skies and cold air blowing. I closed the door rapidly and went back to check on Lin, she looked different somehow.

Alyssa, my niece, came down from Houston to help us as Dora had to go out of town. Alyssa came in the room and helped me to get Lin in her w/chair. Lin had a small yogurt and her pain pills. She asked to be taken outside to drink her coffee on the patio; she loves the outdooors even now.

When I awoke later in the morning, Lin was already napping on the couch. Allison brought over some "stands" that are made to elevate a bed. We put them under the couch legs and now we can put her on the couch to nap anytime she pleases without issue. She napped until noon. I woke her up enough to give her some more pain medication and she again asked to go outside. She lasted only a few minutes, before she fell asleep again. She napped until 7pm when our good friends Jacque and Sarah came by to bring dinner (Thank You!). Lin was very happy to see Jacque as she had not seen her in a while. She even made a wise crack about her coming all the way from South Austin to see her. We dressed her warmly as she again wanted to go outside. Once she came back in 10 minutes later, she passed out again. She has been sleeping soundly since.

I have to admit that I have not been totally honest here as up to now Lin has been reading the blog. The RN told us yesterday that Lin's body is shutting down. She is not getting much circulation in her legs. Her blood pressure has been high for at least 5 days; prior it had been borderline, it was 140/80 today. Her pulse has been hovering around 104 - 123. The tumors on the head have grown to golf ball size and a little larger. Her heart is working hard to keep her alive.

We will be grateful if she makes it past this week; however, we will be thankful to see an end to her pain. It is hard to want her out of pain as this means that her body will no longer be part of this world, our world, my world. I have lost many people in my life, my Grandma when I was 10, Wally when I was 23, Grandpa earlier that same year, my Uncle Manual a couple of years later and my Dad when I was 36. These were people who were in my life daily for many years. I have only been with Lin, known her for 9 years, however, it seems like a lifetime. I cannot fathom what is to come next.

As I sit in the office, it overlooks the pool and the backyard. I wondered earlier how I will manage. She is the one that maintained the pool daily and watered her beloved potted plants, there must be 50 of them. She usually talked me into building her a "temporary" green house each year around this time. Each day when I would come home from work she would be outside with her dogs, stereo playing some type of rock music and she would have a water hose in hand, watering plants, putting water in the pool or cleaning leaves from around the patio, or just sitting talking on the phone with her sister Marlene or mother Julie.

Earlier this week Lin, Julie and I spoke about funeral arrangements. She wants to be cremated. We all found an urn on-line, it is so her. Blue with silver seagulls flying home. The larger one will stay in Austin, and a smaller replica will go with her mother to buried with her father in Canada. Martie has been so helpful, she is checking into funeral homes and the likes for me.

When my grandma died, I felt a great sense of loss for many years. She was my rock, my port in a storm. I could always go to grandma for help and protection. I laid in bed with Lin today and I was overwhelmed with an even greater sense of loss as she is my best friend, confidant, my love; she owns my heart. She has not been with us for several days. There are minutes of clarity but mostly incoherent muttering that is hard to understand. I feel as I have been losing pieces of her with each passing day. Although her body is still present, I think her soul has already started to pass.

In one of her clear moments today she told me that a blue bird keeps coming to visit her when she is outside. She says that it is her dad coming to be with her. I told her that she should fly away with her dad if that is what she feels. I think she is waiting for her sister to come back tomorrow from Canada, to say goodbye.

I have the baby monitor in the office with me so I can write tonight. I can hear the oxygen machine humming, the sounds of the ocean and seagulls from a CD and I can hear her gasp for air about every thirty seconds.

I heard this song earlier today and thought of Lin (Artist : Tim McGraw Title : Live Like You Were Dying)

He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

Transformations

2008-10-20T21:25:00.005-05:00

It is astonishing to me how much can take place inside of 24 hours. My family came over to cook and spend time with Lin, her Mom and me. Allison made a special delivery of dinner for Monday with desert. Bonnie, our weekday RN provided me with some new news.

Marti, her daughter from New Mexico, Felisha, Marti's son Art, his wife Erin, their son Alex, Dora, Eric, his wife Lori, their son Corbin, Julie, Lin and I all got together for supper. All the girls cooked up a storm, BBQ chicken, sausage, pasta salad, home-made beans, brisket, peach and blueberry cobbler, etc. There was enough food for what seemed an army. Everyone showed up around 4pm; Lin was already exhausted. She wanted everyone at the house, however tired she was. Dora got a plate of food to her, next thing you know Lin is feeding herself a helping of cobbler and ice cream, she skipped the main meal and went straight for the sugar.

Lin legs started hurting more than usual on Saturday. By Sunday they were aching her. This is being caused by the pressure on the nerve endings on her spine. She says it feels like someone is repeatedly stabbing her legs. The amount of oral morphine has increased. The amount of time that she is cognizant has decreased. By 8pm each night she has checked out. She will wake a couple of times throughout the night and in need of pain meds although the schedule calls for 8am dosages. I supplement oral morphine until I am able to give her the normal dosage of medications. I wish I had more training in this but it is pretty much play by ear and take some calculated risks. I call the RN on call if I am really struggling with what to do.

This morning I woke her early to give her oral morphine and she needed to go to the bathroom. Her knees are so banged up, they stay black and blue; her forearms along the bottom side have the same problem. In order to transfer her from the chair to the toilet she must pull herself up and spin around. With the power leaving her legs, they sometimes buckle and she hits her knees on the front of the toilet. Once she is ready to leave she must put all her weight on forearms to pull herself up and complete a reversal of the procedure once again. This is the same process each time she is ready to transfer to chair, bed, etc. This morning proved to be very taxing on her and she ran out of energy by noon.

When the RN came by today. She put in an order for an oxygen tank and a wheelchair sling.

I warmed up the Shepard's pie that Allison made us. What a treat, we all enjoyed it! Art came over to help me figure out how to use the hoist (the equipment usually is delivered and you have to figure out how to use it all). The first sling we put Lin into, did not work. She started slipping through the opening intended for use in the restroom!! The second one was smaller and worked better, however the harness used for the legs was causing her discomfort as it was digging into her from behind the knees. Marti brought over her sewing machine to make some padded covers, they worked like a charm. Dora and Julie swung into high gear to modify some of Lin's night wear so we can more readily use the new tool. It was like Santa's workshop.

The sling is allowing us to move Lin from the w/chair to another location by placing her on sling and then lift her on a hydraulic hoist and move her suspended in the air, kind of like a chair hammock on wheels. I put the oxygen on her tonight. Everything is changing so fast. It has been only 52 days since we returned from our vacation...all was well then.

Sunday, again.

2008-10-19T10:59:00.007-05:00

Time seems to fly these days. Fran packed up and whisked away after a short visit. I went to the doctor's office for my own personal health issues. Lin had two uneventful showers. My sister Dora arrived to help out, she will be with us for a while. Lin and her mom were picked up for a tea and lunch. TK volunteered to watch Lin so Art could over to help me mend the fence and a couple of items that I have not been able to get to for while; we have an escape artist, Chickl'e. Marti came over, put down the top on the Mustang and kidnapped Lin's mom for a half day of shopping as she had not been out since she arrived. Lin received a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers and a magnificent gift certificate from my BA team! Betty came in last night and prepared one of Lin's favorite meals. JJ and Karen came over to join us for dinner - whew, just writing this makes me tired!

My sister Dora has generously volunteered to stay with us for as long as we need her help. I know this is a burden for her as she has her own life to live. Everyone has been so kind it still amazes us.

Linda came by to pick up Lin and Julie for tea and lunch. It took us a while to get her in the car, but she was able to enjoy a couple of hours with Linda, her husband and TK. She was worn out after two hours and had to come home. Lin spoke of the outing several times after she came home. She loved the style of Linda's home, said it reminded her of our favorite B&B at south Padre, Casa de Siesta.

TK stayed with Lin most of the day yesterday as Art helped me to mend our fence. We had to remove pickets to secure the railing to the fence posts with long threaded lag bolts. I think if a strong wind were to blow, it would have tipped over. You invest allot of money on a fence, however, you don't always get what you pay for. Thank you Art for helping me to secure the fence.

I am astounded by the amount of time that it takes to watch over Lin, still. Between transferring from her w-chair to the couch, to the recliner, to the bathroom, to the bed, outside, get her drinks, clothe her, give her meds, etc.; we cannot leave her alone. She does not have the strength to move under her own power so she is at our mercy to get her where she wants to go. I can only imagine how this affects her. TK - thank you for "sitting" with Lin yesterday.

Chickl'e raised a scuttle yesterday while we were working on the fence; that usually means that someone is at the front door. We received a lovely bouquet of flowers from my work team. What was even more surprising was when we went to open the card, we found a gift certificate from "Eat out In". It was our 8th anniversary of our Holy Union when we found out that the cancer was back. Needless to say, we did not celebrate. My sisters and TK announced yesterday that they will set our dining table and order us a nice meal so we can have a late celebration of our anniversary. Thank you BA TEAM, you have enabled a great memory!

My sister Betty came over last night and made Lin her favorite chicken recipe. The outing for lunch really wore Lin out the day before. I tried in vein to feed her the meal, but she kept falling asleep. She was awake enough to open her eyes fully when Dora made a deal with her though. Eat two more bites of chicken and she could have spice cake with cream cheese topping (thank you Suzanne!). Lin was like a little kid that had just been given the deal of the century. She took a few more bites, but fell asleep before the cake arrived. She woke up enough to insist that she have her cake. Well her mom got a kick out of trying to feed her cake. She had it all over the place! We put Lin to bed shortly thereafter. JJ and Karen came over and were discussing there impending wedding next Saturday. They look so cute together.

Betty stayed the night and made us breakfast. Lin awoke fully alert and ate all of her breakfast. We had a better morning, as I awoke at 7:00 to feed her morphine until she could have her scheduled dose of slow releasing morphine at 8:00. I think the secret is to keep the feeding her very small doses when she is active so that her pain does not spike. Once it does it is very hard to control.

It is noon and I am still in my PJs, again. I was finally able to take a shower last night at 1:00 am. Lin woke up at midnight and wanted to drink hot tea; timing is everything, this was when I was headed for the shower. More later tonight, Allison is on her way over...

Little things mean allot.

2008-10-15T11:47:00.006-05:00

It has been unusually quiet for the last two days. It has allowed for us to reflect and to actually have a little fun.

Since the install of the rails in the bathroom, transferring Lin on and off the wheelchair has been a godsend. The tumor in her back is situated such that no matter how hard we tried, each attempt to aid her in the past, we would hurt her. The rails have been a wonderful addition to the regiment of artillery against her pain!

Lin got a hair cut on Monday. Joe, her hairdresser of thirteen years, came to house on his day off and cut and styled her hair. It is the same hair cut she has had for years, only shorter. We figured it would be allot easier to maintain. She looks really cute and sexy with short hair, Katrina confirmed it last night when she visited.

We figured out how to rig up the couch so she can lay in it. It had been her favorite spot to take a nap in the past, however, it recently had proven to be too low to allow a smooth transition. We took the cushions from the outdoor couch and and padded the living room couch. The cushions were Fran's idea, Lin's sister. We held them together with a sheet. She has been able to nap and rest peacefully as she had in the past, Prada and Chickl'e at her side, of course.

Fran cooked up a storm while she was here; it was a nice break for Julie as she has continued to address most of the household chores. Julie loves to wash! Each time I put away a load of clothes, another awaits me. Fran made a great lasagna last night, I even had seconds. Marti joined us for a late supper and brought over a bottle of wine that she and Fran shared. Lin has taken to Soy milk. She swears that it is a miracle drug. When she had radiation it had a negative effect on her esophagus and caused her to have bad heart burn each time she attempted to eat. She now enjoys a glass of soy milk with each meal and has been able to join us at meal time at the table.

Lin has had problems adjusting to the loss of use of her legs. She was saying the other day that you really can't appreciate how much you depend on them until you are no longer able to depend on them. She has her days when they are strong and she is happy, then there are the days that they are basically jello and useless...these are the days that a strong back and arms come in handy, but mostly an empathic ear.

I was able to spend the night upstairs the other night while Fran took the night shift from me. It felt good to sleep the night without waking every few hours. Last night I fumbled on the medicine. Marlene had been working as my quality check and she left for Canada already and Fran was too new onto the job. Well Lin usually gets two Ambien a night that she takes broken out so she can sleep throughout the night.

Lin fell asleep in the living room, 9:30 pm. Marti, Fran, Julie and I were talking about our day. Lin kept waking up and apologizing for falling asleep on us. Her norm lately has been to go to bed at 1:30 am. Each time she would wake up, she would take a circus peanut (those orange looking candies that are made from all sugar) and attempt to eat it; however, most often she would fall asleep again. She had us laughing with each new attempt. She woke up enough to become a comedian and placed two halves of the peanuts strategically on her chest. We laughed even more (see pictures). We finally talked her into going to bed early.

I went to check the medicine bin that I prepare almost daily with all her "cocktails". The two Ambien were missing! I forgot that they had changed the prescription to generic and the color of the pills had changed from white to yellow, they now looked like the Flexeril she was taking... No wonder she fell asleep! She slept well and only woke up twice in the night. Coincidence? I think not. Maybe...just maybe, we got some intervention...

As I lay there last night and listened to the super sonic train engine roar at a never before heard decibel due to a coma-like induced sleep, it made me think. Lin and I often spoke of how when two people meet it is not really them, but their "representatives" that meet. These "representatives" are kind, generous, and thoughtful; they don't fart, burp, have any bad manners, always say thank you and please. You used to know one, right? Then you move in together and the things that you used to think were sweet, you remember, "isn't it cute, you snore at night", now become the things that start to get on your nerves.

I laid in bed and pondered a future where the room is pitch dark and there is no snoring in the room, except, maybe only my own. I put in the ear plugs and was still lulled to sleep by the sound of Lin's rhythmic snoring, a sound I truly appreciate once again.

Open mouth ... insert BIG FOOT!

2008-10-12T22:03:00.003-05:00

The morning started out perfect. Lin got up only a couple of times last night. We made it through the night with minimum of added morphine and I crawled into her hospital bed in the wee hours of the morning. Waking up next to Lin was great.

The day was even greater because she experienced no falls the day prior. Instead, she went to the airport to drop off Marlene to send her on her way back to Canada. No, she did not drive. Allison had volunteered to drive Marlene to the airport. With help from Art and me we got Lin into the truck, buckled her down, gave her some morphine and packed a bag of additional meds for her in case she needed them. They made it to Austin without incidence. She got to stay with her little sister until the last minute.

When they got home, Art pulled her out of the truck seat and we were able to get back in our home safely. Art and I had stayed home and managed to go to Home Depot and Lowe's only three times in two days as we placed the safety bars in the bathroom. This was no easy task. How do we place them, what makes sense, is there a 2x4 behind the wall....no there wasn't.

Well Lin got to test the install in the bathroom on her return, what a difference the right equipment can make. They worked wonderfully! Not because we did the work, but because she is able to help with transfers and we do not hurt her.

Sunday got even better. We got out of bed late, that was really nice. Teresa called from California, she is an old friend of Lin's from earlier 1980; it made her day. I made migas for the Canadian clan and we had a nice late brunch.

I got to get out for the first time in weeks! Lin had gotten a massage gift card from Mark and Genny for her birthday in January and had not used it yet. Marti came over to sit with Lin so I got to use the card to get a massage and boy did it feel great! Thank you Mark and Genny!

When I returned, Mark, Genny and Taylor were visiting. They brought over a nice chicken noodle soup. It was great; we had it for supper with a salad.

Today was an unusual day, much like Saturday. There were no major events scheduled or any that occurred by accident. Julie, Lin's Mom and myself were surprised at how quiet the day occurred.

We were sitting and watching television tonight. Lin made a comment about wasting time and not doing all the things that she had planned. Things like using the paint set she had and learning to play the guitar she has upstairs. Without thinking I made a very sarcastic and insensitive remark about how she could better use her time. Well shove a truck load of something in my mouth, I can never apologize enough for the stupid remark. Believe me, I tried.

We are now living a different life and what I say today, I may not be able to make up for it or change it tomorrow. I find myself thinking like I used to do. The cancer has robbed us of time. I have to change the way that I think, this is hard. We cannot plan past tomorrow, we have to live in the here, the now, today. I always thought that we would grow old together; reality has changed that. If I could change what I said today, the day would have been perfect. ...if I could change whatever caused the cancer to develop or to spread, then we could buy that condo by the beach and grow old together, now that would be perfect.

Third time is a charm?

2008-10-10T21:50:00.005-05:00

It seems that each day, we experience some drama, maybe that is too bit of a strong adjective, but something is always happening.

I am so tired that I cannot remember what events took place yesterday. Oh, yes... Lin was feeling pretty good, so I left her with her mom and sister, Marlene. I went shopping. We needed basic supplies and I needed to go to the bank. When I got back Marlene confided in me that Lin had asked her not to tell me, however, Lin had experienced a fall again.

Lin had asked to sit outside, but was using her walker. Her legs act like jello allot and I almost have to force her into the wheelchair. Well she was trying to get up from her chair when her legs gave out. We usually insist that someone walk behind her. Marlene managed to catch her by her shirt and shorts and Lin got some cushion as she fell to her knees. Of course she was almost choked in the process, but she survived the fall.

The nurses aid came in today to give Lin her shower. I was sitting in the office working on a new spread sheet as her meds had changed again and I needed to put together a new schedule. We are juggling 15 different meds right now. I usually take the baby monitor with me where ever I go in the house (thank you Eric and Lori for the idea).

I was pecking away at the medical jargon, when I hear a shout through the speaker. I ran through the house and arrived at the second shout. I must have had a look of shock on face. Lin told me to take a breathe and help her up. She was getting dried off when she slipped on the bath mat in the shower. She fell with her foot twisted under her; the aid panicked and had backed out of the shower; it was she that had hollered for help. Lin managed to pull her leg out from under her.

When I saw her, she was sitting like a little rag doll in the corner of the shower, hands and legs at her sides. I immediately yelled for Marlene to help me, the aid was in shock. We managed to get Lin to her knees first and then onto the shower chair. She twisted her ankle badly. We are taking a picture of butt and posting to see who can win a contest. Who can name what Lin fell onto as it is now imprinted as bruise on the butt, it looks like a tattoo?

She is now committed to using the wheelchair.

Her sister Fran flew in from Canada today. Marti picked her up from the airport. Lin has been looking forward to her sisters and mom all being under one roof.

I went out and shopped for handicap railing today. I never knew it was so expensive! Art is helping me to figure out how to mount it in the restroom and shower. These should help Lin in her transition from the wheelchair into the shower, etc.

We had a dinner tonight to honor Lin's dad's birthday, Robert. Lin ate pretty well. Compared to last week when we could not get her to eat anything but milk shakes to tonight, it has been a big difference. Last time she was doing chemo for a year, Interferon, the only thing she would eat was two lobster tails every Friday. Tonight she ate some lobster and even a couple of bites of steak. We were all very proud of her. She even ate some German Chocolate cake, her dad's favorite.

It is almost 11pm and time for some personal time to myself.

Oh yeah, the "tattoo" was an imprint of the shower temperature control. As she was falling she grabbed for the handle and the temperature control handle fell off and she landed on it. It made for something for us to laugh about amidst of the apprehension of the accident.

Lin Update 10/9/08

2008-10-09T17:39:00.002-05:00

It has been a while since I sent an update. I decided to create a blog to get you all updated and to make it easier for anyone to get the latest on what is happening in our lives. Please feel free forward the site to others who would like an update on Lin.

My last update to you was on 9/15/08; allot has happened since that time. August 18th Lin started started experiencing pain in her upper back that would not subside. By 9/08/08, the pain escalated to an uncontrollable level.

By 9/11/08, diagnosis confirmed metastases of the bladder cancer to include several lymph nodes in her chest cavity, a vertebra (it is also fractured), several spots in both lungs and a couple of growths on her scalp.

The prognosis is not positive as the doctor has communicated that the cancer is not curable, he described the cancer as terminal. There is a possibility that chemo therapy may prolong her life, however, quality of life is not guaranteed.

As Lin most recently spent a week in RR Hospital, she was released into our care with help from Hospice. The team assigned to Lin is very attentive and the R.N. has skillfully brought down her pain level to an tolerable "5" on a pain scale of 10.

We ask for you prayers as Lin is taking the weekend to think through her options of continuing with Hospice or taking the path of chemo. Presently, she has lost about ~50% use of her legs and is using a walker and a wheel chair to get about.

As many of you know Lin is a very independent person, the cancer has been hard on her health, the loss of her legs has been even harder to her independent soul.

I am limiting phone calls and visits as they are very draining of her energy. Please help us by limiting calls or visits from 7:30am - 10:30am (mornings are very hard for her and her nurse usually visits at this time); 2:00pm -3:30pm (nap time); and 8:30 pm or later. I understand that this does not leave a whole lot of time for calls or visits, however, I am greatly concerned with her pain level. I look forward to hearing or seeing you sometime in the near future.

So... calls and visitation are welcome" M-S 10:30am - 1:30pm, 4:00pm - 8:00pm.

As always, we appreciate your support and well wishes. We ask for your continued prayers and good thoughts.

It wasn't your fault

2008-10-07T22:49:00.002-05:00

Marlene and I have been the main care takers. My job has been to stay with Lin at night and figure our all the meds. Marlene's has been to tend to Lin wants during the day and help her Mom, Julie with household stuff.

I was busy after a visit from Bonnie, Lin's new weekday R.N. We had to change all her prescribed meds as I had to give her allot of morphine by mouth, morphine sulfate, numerous times throughout Sunday evening and early Monday morning.

I asked Marlene to help out and help Lin with her shower. We had been fortunate enough to have remodeled our bathroom several years earlier and built a large walk-in shower. Marlene donned her bathing suit and got in the shower to get the water ready. Meanwhile, "independent" Lin decided to get her own clothes out of the closet. The door bell rang, Chickl`e was going crazy as usual. The hospice nurse, director and a training aid had all come to the door. I went to get the dog and move him to the back room when next thing you know, Marlene is screaming and commotion breaks out. Lin fell backward from her walker. She struck her head, right where she had a new growth of a tumor and smacked the hell out of the tumor that sticks out on her back!

Everyone helped and we got her to the her bed. The nurse started with the morphine sulfate and gave her enough to finally knock her out. She slept most of the evening. She was in extreme pain.

My mom, sister Pat, her husband Ray and my sister Marti, all came by to visit. We got Marti to sit with Lin so we could go run some much needed errands.

Marti called, Art had brought over a brisket, beans and tortilla's, we did not need to worry about dinner. This has been a phenomenon, one day we got a happy face balloon and truffles, Allison made us a killer chicken pot pie, Terry and her daughter from down the street brought over a chicken, veggies and a coconut almond cake. Our friends from the corner, Judy and Ron brought over a pot roast and rolls and my reliable neighbor Burt brought us over a six pack of beer when we most needed it badly.

Lin looked to be in awful pain throughout the night. She finally awoke around midnight and wanted to sit in the living room and talk!

Adjusting to home

2008-10-07T22:40:00.000-05:00

Sunday was a day of adjustment. We had a new sleep schedule, and new medicine schedule to administer.

We were talking, but not talking about the obvious. Our lives were changed and would not be the same any longer.

Upon getting home on Saturday, we pulled a wheel chair up to the car to carry Lin in the front door. She then had to maneuver a new walker in order to make her way to our bedroom.

I am still numb. I feel distraught at times and wonder how life will be in a year from now and then I want to slap myself for even thinking in this manner. I just can't think of a life without Lin in it.

Lin's Mom arrived Sunday night.

This will only hurt a little...

2008-10-07T21:38:00.002-05:00

So time has passed and life goes on around us. Lin has continued to feel extreme pain. The tumor in her back is putting pressure on her spine and the fractured vertebra is adding to the pain level. I am sure that if she is to hear, "what is your pain level" once more, she is certain to throw a brick at me... if only she could.

Sunday night, August 29th - I was only night shift with Lin. Marlene, Lin's little sister, flew in from Montreal on the 22nd. We had been trading shifts, this was for who would spend the night with Lin. This was a hard task; wake up every two hours and administer medication so as to keep Lin out of pain. It was on my shift that I could no longer provide medications at the level she required to bring down the pain. I went upstairs at 11:30 pm to let Marlene know that I was giving Lin more medication and outside of the prescribed times, just in case. At 1:30 am, I went back up to get Marlene. I had called the doctor and he had told me to take her to the emergency room.

I called 911 while Marlene convinced Lin that this was the only way to get her some relief. Lin was in the most pain that I have ever seen anyone experience. I know that she is a tough cookie, but this was beyond the realm of anything that I had ever experienced. I could do nothing.

The fire fighters arrived and then the paramedics. They asked all the normal questions. Dave, the guy who was getting all the respect from all those in the room, was asking all the right questions. He proceeded to get on the bed right next to Lin and was talking to her in soothing tones. He proceeded to place an IV in her wrist in record time and began to slowly administer morphine. It took a second shot, but she finally stopped writhing in pain. The rescue team used our bed sheet to transfer her to the gurney, her sister rode in the ambulance with her and I followed in my truck.

We got to the hospital and they gave her Dilaudid, a quick acting pain med. About 4 am, they told us that they would be admitting her soon. We were finally in her room at about 5:30 am. The nurse and the tech were really nice; they gave us a couple of blankets and helped us move a couple of "comfortable" chairs to the room. We laughed and we cried; Lin was knocked out with really powerful drugs.

We stayed with her most of the day; we did not go home as we had no idea what would happen next. They continued to give her pain meds and she looked to be finally resting. I had called upon my good friend Allison and she had spread the word to several of my closest friends that Lin was in the hospital. Allison coordinated with my friends Cara, Genny and Jacque and they all came to visit so we could get some needed rest. Marlene and I headed home when Allison arrived, she was a saving grace as she stayed with Lin for the afternoon as we took a nap. After visiting for some time with Lin, we decided to head home for the night and get some much needed sleep; it had been a long week. We drank tea and took half of an Ambien each. We awoke refreshed.

Day turned to night and night into day, Lin's pain was out of control each morning as the nurses were afraid to go outside of the boundaries ordered by the doctors and still more afraid to call the doctors outside of normal working hours. They would wake her each morning at 6 am to do the normal, blood pressure check, etc and bring breakfast about at 7 am, meds were not due until 9 am on the dot, no leeway. It was painful to see her hurt so badly and not be able to do anything but complain. Finally, after days of worrying and complaining, the charge nurse listened and took action. Marlene and I kept vigil by her bed and got to know one another a little better. My sister Marti, was helpful during this time, even after a full day of work she would find the time to stop by Chick-fill-a to get Lin a vanilla shake. She spent many evenings with us in uncomfortable chairs listening to Lin's morphine driven unconnected thoughts.

Friday was a somber day. The Oncologist told us that the cancer was incurable, several lymph nodes in her chest cavity were now involved, it was definitely in her bone, there were several areas on her lungs and the large bumps on her head were 98% sure of being cancerous. The radiation treatment that she had been receiving daily for two weeks had not worked and they could not explain why. We asked if Hospice was in order; the answer was that it was our choice. Asked and answered. Hospice will only take terminally ill patients with less than 6 months of life. He advised that we could proceed with chemo in hopes that it could shrink the tumors so as to lessen the pain. This was truly a black day. The only light was that she could come home on Saturday.

We called upon Hospice on Friday. They came to the hospital and we made arrangements to bring Lin home on Saturday. Marlene and I scrambled home to start re-arranging furniture and clean the house as that had been our last priority while Lin had been in the hospital. I called upon my nephews Eric and Art to help move furniture and Marti volunteered her services.

We moved our king sized bed upstairs and it occurred to me that the last night that Lin and I spent in our bed had been the night that she was wheeled out the door by strangers. The room was void of most things that has personalized our master suite, Marlene and Marti cleaned everything in site. I was not much help. I think I was in shock, moving slowly, but deliberately. This did not seem real. I was answering calls on four phones, barking off orders (Lin would say that this is what I am best at...), I felt like my body was present and going through he motions, however, my mind was stuck on what would not be.

When Marlene arrived from Canada, one of the first things that she said to me was that she would force me to eat healthy. As we drove through the drive-thru at McDonald's on Saturday morning, I reminded her of those words. Funny how life has a way of taking all your intentions and plans and throwing them in your face sometimes. We could not help but laugh. I wondered later if she got the fish sandwich to prove a point; I got the Big Mac!

When we arrived to take Lin home, she was in tears. The jerk of a doctor "Cole" had pulled her meds 3 hrs earlier to see if she could walk and make her way before he would release her! Was he on drugs? I got the nurse to call him. He was not happy that anyone would question his orders. Boo-hoo! It took two hours, but he finally signed the paperwork needed to get out of there. Hospice had arrived in time to help her to get "some" pain meds. We piled her into her Mustang convertible, threw down the top, turn up Donna Summer (one of Lin's favorite CD's) and cranked up the volume. How she loves to be outdoors; she enjoyed the sunshine!

By the time she made it home her pain level was as if she had never left home on that gurney a week prior, it was at a 10+. Dorthy was her weekend hospice nurse and she was not afraid to administer meds. It took some time, but finally Lin was sleeping.

Emergency 911

2008-10-06T10:48:00.000-05:00

I flew home on September 11, 2008. I was in Nashua, New Hampshire on business when I got the call from my sister Dora, who had been staying home with Lin while I worked out of town. Lin was taken to the hospital by my friend Allison on the day I left town. She had not told me her pain level was as high as it was when I left for Chicago. The emergency room doctor referred her to an Oncologist, she was to see him in two days.

When Dora called me, I asked to speak to Lin. It was the worst that I had ever heard her, even after her reconstructive surgery. I hurried to the hotel, my flight was out of Boston in three hours, it would take me 30 minutes to drive there. I stuffed my suitcase and busted the zipper! I found the nearest Sears and changed out suitcases in the parking lot, got allot of weird looks. By this time, I was not going to make my flight. I called the American Express agent and explained my situation to her. Mind you hurricane Rita is on the way and airports are starting to cancel flights. I made it to the airport with an hour to spare and I got back to Austin by 8 PM.

The Oncologist had already told Lin the cancer had metastasized, spread, it was in her lymph nodes, one vertebrae which was fractured and her lungs.

I thought that this was the worst it could be. The emotions ran high. Thoughts of our future together, dreams and plans that we had planned all rolled into one and exploded as the realization that some of these would not come to fruition.

I worked from home for a couple of days, as my sister Dora helped with wash and errands. I soon figured out, this was a two plus person job. I would not be able to burn the candle at both ends as she required help 24/7.

At the same time my migraine headaches have increased in intensity and I now require additional medication to get them under control. The stress of this all is not helping. I also have started taking Cymbalta for depression; I look forward to that kicking in.

So now the work begins at home.

My sister, Dora and I began with care of Lin, however, her pain level continued to increase in her back. She described it like someone hitting her across her back with a baseball bat; a tumor lies between her shoulder blades on her vertebrae.

I called Lin's sister Marlene. Lin seemed to be going downhill fast and thought that having someone in her family around would help her spirits.

The Big"C" - The story of Lin

2008-09-29T10:30:00.001-05:00

It has now been over 574 days,19 months, since we started the battle with the big "C" - Cancer. I say we because when someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, the whole family is affected.

We were living our lives like everyone else, working, grocery shopping, running errands, mowing the yard, you name it, normal. It was late February, I remember Lin coming from the bathroom saying that she had blood in her urine. She went in to see the doctor the following day.

The doctor ordered tests and also referred her to a Urologist. The urologists ordered more tests. The Urologist recommend a cystoscopy. A cystoscope is a slender tube with a lens and a light. It is placed into the bladder through the urethra. It permits the doctor to view the inside of the bladder. A suspicious growth was found in her ureter, a small piece of tissue was removed and examined (biopsy).

The Urologist let us know that cancer was present and our lives changed. March 5, 2007, Lin was admitted to the hospital. Surgery is the primary treatment option for cancer of the ureter. The tumor was located and the surgeons removed that section of the ureter. The rest was reconnected to the bladder. This procedure is called a ureteroneocystomy, or reimplantation.

She was told that it was Grade 3, Stage 1 cancer. High-grade (3-4) cancers look less like normal tissue. They are more likely to invade the bladder wall and to spread outside the bladder and tend to be associated with a less favorable prognosis. Stage I - In stage I, cancer has formed and spread to the layer of tissue under the inner lining of the bladder. We caught it early enough, we could do something about it.

Recovery was hard. I will not pretty this up. The pain medication prescribed was morphine. This Opioid has many side effects. The most dangerous is respiratory depression including nausea and vomiting alterations of mood (nervousness, apprehension, depression, floating feelings), dreams, muscle rigidity, transient hallucinations and disorientation, visual disturbances, insomnia.

If you see the side effect listed, Lin experienced it. The disorientation and hallucinations seemed real to her and frustrating to me and her family as we could do nothing to help her work through the pain. After 5 days in the hospital, she would have paid handsomely to get let out. Day 6, she finally came home.

Post surgery she was started on intravesical chemotherapy, anticancer drugs that are placed in the bladder through a catheter. The anticancer agents remain in the bladder for 1-2 hours and have little toxicity throughout the body. Treatment was scheduled for once a week for 6 weeks. She received BCG, a type of biologic therapy which boosts the body's immune system to fight the tumor.

She was told she could go back to her "normal" life within 8 weeks. Funny - Ha, ha!! What a joke.

At the three month period, she underwent another cystoscopy and additionally an Intravenous pyelogram (IVP): In this procedure, also known as intravenous urography an x-ray is taken after injecting a dye through a vein into the bloodstream. This dye reaches the kidneys, ureters, and bladder and more clearly outlines these organs on x-rays. Another two tumors had formed in her bladder. Another surgery followed by chemotherapy. This time chemotherapy was to last only three weeks.

Again she was told she could return to her "normal" activities. These guys are comedians! Three months later, you guessed it, it happened again.

This continued for 3 additional surgeries.

This now brings us to present day.

We had planned a vacation as far back as February 08 for July, we needed something to help us to look forward in the future. Lin felt well enough so we decided that the vacation was on. We left for Maine and Nova Scotia on July 26 and were not to return until August 9th. What a great time we had spending time together. My sister Marti went along with us and we really enjoyed our time in Canada. Lin's sister-in-law Trudy and her three sons, Alex, Chris and Spencer, all joined us in Trenton Maine. We were staying with a friend and her daughter in their summer home. Lin, Marti, my sister, Alex and I traveled to Portland where we enjoyed site seeing and fishing for lobster.

Lin complained during the trip that her back hurt. We wrote it off to bad stiff mattresses as we had spent the night in at least five different beds.

When we returned home to our plush bed, the back ache continued.

She underwent another cystoscpy, the Urologist, Dr. Shawn Malloney, gave us the "all clear". No cancer! We were elated; what a way to end our vacation!

She went to our GP, Pamela Garcia, M.D. (the best damned doctor in Austin, TX). Dr. Garcia thought it may be related to scoliosis, an abnormal lateral curvature of the spine. However, she also noted a bump on her back.

In the interim I had to travel for work. I got my sister to come stay with Lin, much against her will. Before my sister could arrive, Lin was forced to call our friend Allison to take her to the emergency room, due to pain. She was referred to an Oncologist.

I had only been gone three days, when I got the call from my sister, Lin was back in the emergency room. She went to meet with Oncologist, Dr. Kocs (pronounced "cause"). The cancer had metastasized.

The cancer is now in her lymph nodes in between her chest cavity and her spinal column, her lungs and her vertebra, bone. She has a fractured bone in her vertebra and the tumor in her lymph node is putting pressure against her spinal column causing it to compress, thus the back ache.

She was diagnosed with Stage 3 Phase IV.

She immediately started radiation treatment September 12th.