Linda Gervaise Poulin was visited by her guardian angel this morning and she has passed on to a new world where there is no pain or suffering. She was born January 21, 1958 and passed October 31, 2008.
She did not awake from her restful sleep...
Services are pending and will be held at Remembrance Garden in Austin.
Further updates will be posted as more details are made available.
When I'm Gone
When I'm gone from your side,
And all your tears have been dried ...
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow;
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
And when you stroll in the evening hours,
And smell the aroma of beautiful flowers;
There'll be no need to sob and cry ...
I am not there, I did not die!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Now I lay me down to sleep...
Did you ever awaken from a dream only to realize that you were dreaming and actually waking? I had a dream many years ago, it seemed so real to me, almost like a premonition. I could tell you every single detail...there was a campfire, there was a hearth made of stone with a wire rack were I was warming a pot of coffee, the old fashioned type, silver with a little crystal looking gadget on top that allowed you to see the coffee peculating.
Today felt like I was in a waking dream, actually a real nightmare. In the course of a couple of days everything has changed. Today Lin did not eat food; she did not leave the bed; she does not speak coherently any longer; she did not want any medicine; she told me that she did not want to die.
We put her to bed around 10pm the night before. I was not feeling well at all and crashed for the first time since this all began. Apparently, I fell asleep on the chair next to her as she lay on the couch, this was mid afternoon. Marti tried to wake me for dinner and I could be roused. I only awoke when I heard everyone talk about how they would move Lin to bed. Well, I was not the only who slept the afternoon; Lin fell asleep earlier in the day when Pastor Mike came by to talk about her services.
I spent an hour straightening our bedroom, getting meds ready for the night and the morning as well as getting water and juice in insulated coffee cups (they stay cold throughout the night as Lin likes cold drinks). I decided that I needed to stay up and read as I guessed Lin would wake around 1:30am as she had in the past after sleeping for many hours. Like clockwork she awoke at 1:23am. I got her meds, water, etc., but was not able to calm her, only agitate her. She spoke Marlene's name several times. At 2:15am I woke Marlene up to speak to Lin. For most of the day, Lin was only mumbling, half conscious half asleep. She clearly articulated, " I do not want to die". What does one say? How does one respond to this? I could only answer that there was nothing that I could do. Her path is set, her death will happen; it is up to her to pick the right time.
I prepared some meds for her and hoped they would put her at ease. She finally gave in to the meds and fell asleep. Marlene went back to the couch and I to the futon in the bedroom. At 3:30am, Lin once again articulated clearly into the dark room, that she did not want to die. I got up to check on her, she was soundly sleeping. I could not fall back to sleep, so I read for a while.
I got Lin up around 8:30am to start with her daily med routine. We are no longer able administer them orally and cannot give her a full cocktail as not all of them will dissolve the same. It takes three of us to give her pain meds, etc. Lin no longer expresses her likes or dislikes via voice, but through grunts and other facial expressions. I think she would prefer to take her meds the good old fashioned way. Yesterday, we found two more tumors on her right side, below her breast, on her ribs. She had been holding on to that side for the last couple of days and complaining of pain. We should have checked sooner. Each time we roll her to change her clothing, the sheets or give her meds, it causes her extreme pain.
She told me this morning that she was dying and wanted to talk to Pastor Mike. I called upon him and he responded quickly. Mike spent several hours with us. Lin continues to linger in a twilight. She is no longer with us, but she has yet to leave. Mike spoke to her in a soft, pleasant voice, coaxing her to let go, to leave the pain behind, that it was alright for her to rest. She would have none of it. Her pulse remains strong, although at 143 (per the nurses read-out).
Lin is currently experiencing what is known as terminal restlessness - http://www.hospicepatients.org/terminal-agitation.html
Her body is giving out, however, her spirit and her soul are not yet ready to leave us. The folks from Hospice tell us that other than the cancer, Lin was healthy when all this started. Most patients exhibiting the type, grade and metastasis of cancer would most likely not be of this earth today; however, our Lin continues to defy the odds.
We pray that she is delivered from her pain. I pray that she finds what she seeks; that for which she is waiting. I don't like this nightmare, too many of the details linger in my mind daily. I hear a pulse in my ears even when I am away from Lin's side. Tomorrow is new day, another chance to end her suffering.
"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; Should I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."
Today felt like I was in a waking dream, actually a real nightmare. In the course of a couple of days everything has changed. Today Lin did not eat food; she did not leave the bed; she does not speak coherently any longer; she did not want any medicine; she told me that she did not want to die.
We put her to bed around 10pm the night before. I was not feeling well at all and crashed for the first time since this all began. Apparently, I fell asleep on the chair next to her as she lay on the couch, this was mid afternoon. Marti tried to wake me for dinner and I could be roused. I only awoke when I heard everyone talk about how they would move Lin to bed. Well, I was not the only who slept the afternoon; Lin fell asleep earlier in the day when Pastor Mike came by to talk about her services.
I spent an hour straightening our bedroom, getting meds ready for the night and the morning as well as getting water and juice in insulated coffee cups (they stay cold throughout the night as Lin likes cold drinks). I decided that I needed to stay up and read as I guessed Lin would wake around 1:30am as she had in the past after sleeping for many hours. Like clockwork she awoke at 1:23am. I got her meds, water, etc., but was not able to calm her, only agitate her. She spoke Marlene's name several times. At 2:15am I woke Marlene up to speak to Lin. For most of the day, Lin was only mumbling, half conscious half asleep. She clearly articulated, " I do not want to die". What does one say? How does one respond to this? I could only answer that there was nothing that I could do. Her path is set, her death will happen; it is up to her to pick the right time.
I prepared some meds for her and hoped they would put her at ease. She finally gave in to the meds and fell asleep. Marlene went back to the couch and I to the futon in the bedroom. At 3:30am, Lin once again articulated clearly into the dark room, that she did not want to die. I got up to check on her, she was soundly sleeping. I could not fall back to sleep, so I read for a while.
I got Lin up around 8:30am to start with her daily med routine. We are no longer able administer them orally and cannot give her a full cocktail as not all of them will dissolve the same. It takes three of us to give her pain meds, etc. Lin no longer expresses her likes or dislikes via voice, but through grunts and other facial expressions. I think she would prefer to take her meds the good old fashioned way. Yesterday, we found two more tumors on her right side, below her breast, on her ribs. She had been holding on to that side for the last couple of days and complaining of pain. We should have checked sooner. Each time we roll her to change her clothing, the sheets or give her meds, it causes her extreme pain.
She told me this morning that she was dying and wanted to talk to Pastor Mike. I called upon him and he responded quickly. Mike spent several hours with us. Lin continues to linger in a twilight. She is no longer with us, but she has yet to leave. Mike spoke to her in a soft, pleasant voice, coaxing her to let go, to leave the pain behind, that it was alright for her to rest. She would have none of it. Her pulse remains strong, although at 143 (per the nurses read-out).
Lin is currently experiencing what is known as terminal restlessness - http://www.hospicepatients.org/terminal-agitation.html
Her body is giving out, however, her spirit and her soul are not yet ready to leave us. The folks from Hospice tell us that other than the cancer, Lin was healthy when all this started. Most patients exhibiting the type, grade and metastasis of cancer would most likely not be of this earth today; however, our Lin continues to defy the odds.
We pray that she is delivered from her pain. I pray that she finds what she seeks; that for which she is waiting. I don't like this nightmare, too many of the details linger in my mind daily. I hear a pulse in my ears even when I am away from Lin's side. Tomorrow is new day, another chance to end her suffering.
"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; Should I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
On Family and Friends
People come and go from our lives, some remain constant, others come for a while and go, they may come back, they may not. Some people we take for granted; we think they will always be there for us.
There are people in our lives currently, that had they not been here for us; I do not know where we would be right now. Our family has come to our aid on numerous occasions, Julie, Marlene, Marti, Dora, Alyssa, Eric, Art, Lori, Laura, Erin, Alex and Fran have all played a part in helping us care for Lin.
Our friends have been here for for all types of help, no request has been out of the question: Allison, TK, Katrina, Genny, Mark, Jacque, Sarah, Marc, Jesse, Burt, Ron, Judy and numerous other friends (please do not be offended if I have forgotten to list you specifically; my brain seems to have gone haywire) have come to aid repeatedly.
It was Allison who has helped me to fill in the blank recently - I had forgotten what had happened on Saturday (what are friends for?).
From Allison: "Saturday was a very eventful day for Lin, as she was up around 5am. I believe you two had another talk about the status of things because she couldn't remember. By the time I got there at 7 to "help", all of you were sitting around the breakfast table. Lin had two pieces of toast in front of her - one with strawberry jam. She was eating fruit from the fruit bouquet someone sent you, (Thank you Aggies!! - they sent a beautiful fruit bouquet!) and some chocolate had fallen to the floor from one of the pears. She was adamant that I find the chocolate before one of the dogs did - she didn't want them to get sick. She looked GREAT, and we took a few photos right there at the table. Julie was still in bed (an anomaly, but good that she slept in and got a little rest). You talked to Lin about making sure to include Julie in things she could do to help, and once Julie came downstairs, Lin obliged by asking her Mom to make her coffee, and telling Marlene that her coffee wasn't as good as Julie's (such a comedian).
Lin also let all of us know her displeasure in the fact that she continued to be dressed in light-colored t-shirts, which are just way too easy to stain, especially when drinking juice from a straw.
After breakfast she wanted to go outside, so I took her, and left her with her Mom and Marlene. We sat inside until Marlene tried to bring her in around 9. Marlene said she just faded very fast. Marlene couldn't get her up the ramp, so I went to help. Lin wanted to get a clean shirt, so you took her to take care of that, and put on a very pretty aqua-colored one. Afterwards, she sat in the recliner and took a short nap. TK was also there.
Roni adding - Lin woke up telling of her needed help as he had been constipated 5 days now, this is despite our pouring all types of additives and medicines into her system at twice and three times the rate recommended. The morphine has a way to retard bowels and it is painful. She had a visit from the RN Director as her regular weekend RN, Dorthy was not able to attend to her. All the ladies in the house thought he was drop dead gorgeous. Julie went upstairs to put on lipstick! He sat and talked with us for a while and was ready to leave. I got up to walk him out and he miss-read my intentions and gave me big hug. Julie and Marlene got jealous and asked "what about us?"; they got a hug as well.
Laura came over on Saturday evening to help us out. Lin told us that she fell in love with her new girlfriend at Starbucks. She was a big flirt when it came to Laura. Anything Laura said, was fine with her. We all knew she was flirting and we laughed about it all.
We also got a delivery of some beautiful flowers and a tray of fruit on Saturday from Chellie and Wendy - thank you very much! The flowers are still blooming today, very beautiful colors (fruit is gone however, these Canadians love their fruit for breakfast)!
Sunday morning, I reminded Lin about her new girlfriend; she was embarrassed!! Laura is our niece. Her face turned especially red when I told her that Laura was coming back Sunday afternoon.
Without family and friends in our lives we would all be empty and void of love, kindness, affection, support, a shoulder to lean upon, someone to vent to and comfort. Have you hugged your loved one lately?
There are people in our lives currently, that had they not been here for us; I do not know where we would be right now. Our family has come to our aid on numerous occasions, Julie, Marlene, Marti, Dora, Alyssa, Eric, Art, Lori, Laura, Erin, Alex and Fran have all played a part in helping us care for Lin.
Our friends have been here for for all types of help, no request has been out of the question: Allison, TK, Katrina, Genny, Mark, Jacque, Sarah, Marc, Jesse, Burt, Ron, Judy and numerous other friends (please do not be offended if I have forgotten to list you specifically; my brain seems to have gone haywire) have come to aid repeatedly.
It was Allison who has helped me to fill in the blank recently - I had forgotten what had happened on Saturday (what are friends for?).
From Allison: "Saturday was a very eventful day for Lin, as she was up around 5am. I believe you two had another talk about the status of things because she couldn't remember. By the time I got there at 7 to "help", all of you were sitting around the breakfast table. Lin had two pieces of toast in front of her - one with strawberry jam. She was eating fruit from the fruit bouquet someone sent you, (Thank you Aggies!! - they sent a beautiful fruit bouquet!) and some chocolate had fallen to the floor from one of the pears. She was adamant that I find the chocolate before one of the dogs did - she didn't want them to get sick. She looked GREAT, and we took a few photos right there at the table. Julie was still in bed (an anomaly, but good that she slept in and got a little rest). You talked to Lin about making sure to include Julie in things she could do to help, and once Julie came downstairs, Lin obliged by asking her Mom to make her coffee, and telling Marlene that her coffee wasn't as good as Julie's (such a comedian).
Lin also let all of us know her displeasure in the fact that she continued to be dressed in light-colored t-shirts, which are just way too easy to stain, especially when drinking juice from a straw.
After breakfast she wanted to go outside, so I took her, and left her with her Mom and Marlene. We sat inside until Marlene tried to bring her in around 9. Marlene said she just faded very fast. Marlene couldn't get her up the ramp, so I went to help. Lin wanted to get a clean shirt, so you took her to take care of that, and put on a very pretty aqua-colored one. Afterwards, she sat in the recliner and took a short nap. TK was also there.
Roni adding - Lin woke up telling of her needed help as he had been constipated 5 days now, this is despite our pouring all types of additives and medicines into her system at twice and three times the rate recommended. The morphine has a way to retard bowels and it is painful. She had a visit from the RN Director as her regular weekend RN, Dorthy was not able to attend to her. All the ladies in the house thought he was drop dead gorgeous. Julie went upstairs to put on lipstick! He sat and talked with us for a while and was ready to leave. I got up to walk him out and he miss-read my intentions and gave me big hug. Julie and Marlene got jealous and asked "what about us?"; they got a hug as well.
Laura came over on Saturday evening to help us out. Lin told us that she fell in love with her new girlfriend at Starbucks. She was a big flirt when it came to Laura. Anything Laura said, was fine with her. We all knew she was flirting and we laughed about it all.
We also got a delivery of some beautiful flowers and a tray of fruit on Saturday from Chellie and Wendy - thank you very much! The flowers are still blooming today, very beautiful colors (fruit is gone however, these Canadians love their fruit for breakfast)!
Sunday morning, I reminded Lin about her new girlfriend; she was embarrassed!! Laura is our niece. Her face turned especially red when I told her that Laura was coming back Sunday afternoon.
Without family and friends in our lives we would all be empty and void of love, kindness, affection, support, a shoulder to lean upon, someone to vent to and comfort. Have you hugged your loved one lately?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
What's the routine in your life?
The days pass and I forget if it is Monday, Tuesday or Sunday. My only indicators in the past would be the Sunday paper, work schedule or getting ready for trash day for Wednesday.
I no longer read the paper, I don't even know if it gets delivered or not, someone will pick it up and it shows up in the dining room or living room somewhere, sometimes there may be more than one hanging around. I have a schedule that is not a schedule. I have to give Lin her meds at specific times, that is about it. Waking times vary as well as when I actually get to bed. I used to know it was trash day when I would drive home on Tuesday after work as my neighbors would already put their cans out. I have not ventured away from home but a handful of times since this all started.
I turned on the TV the other night and thought I would watch a show. We used to have certain shows that we would watch at night. Lin would make supper and we would cart out the TV trays to watch our favorites. As I looked at the Tivo listing, I noticed that I was almost out of storage. We have not been watching what we record. It used to be so important that Hero's or Ugly Betty was recording as scheduled so we could catch up on the latest or talk about what we thought might happen next. We even used to have a friend or two over in the past to watch certain shows, like dinner and a movie. Amazing how this is not as important as it used to be.
When I was going to work, I would get up and get ready while Lin would get up and make coffee, sometimes pack a lunch for me. Today, she woke up at six. I gave her morphine, sat her up in bed, got her fresh water and juice and made the coffee. Brought her a cup of coffee to bed and had to break the news that she was not going anywhere, despite her wishes, because we needed to get her into a new sling to transport her. She has lost about twenty pounds so had started to fall through the opening of her old sling, we had to switch to new one that is made for a totally immobile person. I would need help to position the new sling, everyone else was still asleep.
On Sunday, some of her friends came over to sit with her a while. It was very nice that they came over as a group, these are friends that she would meet at a support group weekly and then have coffee with them. She looked forward to this visit, however, getting cleaned up, dressed and moved from the bedroom to the living room, proved to be very tiring for her and so she was asleep by the time her friends got to sit with her. They were very kind in bringing a lasagna, salad and bread for our consumption later.
I know today is Tuesday, I changed watches so I could keep up with time and dates. I am at a total loss for Saturday! Eric came by to help with the laptop, it is the third time the hard drive has crashed, thankfully he has been able to recover the majority of our pictures. I think this all happened on Sunday, not sure.
Monday was a very trying day. Lin woke up full of piss and vinegar. She was ready to tackle the world. She awoke at 6am. She wanted to get dressed and get a move on going outside, making phone calls, lists, etc. As we dressed her we made note of intense skin color change in her legs, purplish blotchy knees and feet and the fact that they were freezing cold, an indication of her body shutting down as the blood is no longer flowing to her legs. She also had blood and clots in her urine. The surge of energy is also an indicator. The nurse agreed with the assessment as we have a listing of physical traits that we track. She advised once again, be ready, Lin's time to go can happen at any time.
I have promised Lin that I will keep her apprised of her health situation and had the first talk with her last week to let her know that she was in a dying process that was accelerated. With the tumors in her head, she forgets things. I had to bring her up to speed again on the situation and add that some of the indications now let us know that she could pass at any time.
Lin defies the laws of nature. Just hours after speaking with her and experiencing an emotional time, all her symptoms went away. The Hospice folks tell us that she is not following the "normal" dying process.
Today, she awoke at 6am. No indicator symptoms. She had coffee and yogurt for breakfast and then fell asleep in the recliner early in the morning. She awoke at 4pm, still all normal and sat outside for at least an hour. She is now napping on the couch.
Her heart is working harder than ever, however, her blood pressure has now dropped to normal. Her body vitals are much like our daily routine schedule, erratic at best.
I no longer read the paper, I don't even know if it gets delivered or not, someone will pick it up and it shows up in the dining room or living room somewhere, sometimes there may be more than one hanging around. I have a schedule that is not a schedule. I have to give Lin her meds at specific times, that is about it. Waking times vary as well as when I actually get to bed. I used to know it was trash day when I would drive home on Tuesday after work as my neighbors would already put their cans out. I have not ventured away from home but a handful of times since this all started.
I turned on the TV the other night and thought I would watch a show. We used to have certain shows that we would watch at night. Lin would make supper and we would cart out the TV trays to watch our favorites. As I looked at the Tivo listing, I noticed that I was almost out of storage. We have not been watching what we record. It used to be so important that Hero's or Ugly Betty was recording as scheduled so we could catch up on the latest or talk about what we thought might happen next. We even used to have a friend or two over in the past to watch certain shows, like dinner and a movie. Amazing how this is not as important as it used to be.
When I was going to work, I would get up and get ready while Lin would get up and make coffee, sometimes pack a lunch for me. Today, she woke up at six. I gave her morphine, sat her up in bed, got her fresh water and juice and made the coffee. Brought her a cup of coffee to bed and had to break the news that she was not going anywhere, despite her wishes, because we needed to get her into a new sling to transport her. She has lost about twenty pounds so had started to fall through the opening of her old sling, we had to switch to new one that is made for a totally immobile person. I would need help to position the new sling, everyone else was still asleep.
On Sunday, some of her friends came over to sit with her a while. It was very nice that they came over as a group, these are friends that she would meet at a support group weekly and then have coffee with them. She looked forward to this visit, however, getting cleaned up, dressed and moved from the bedroom to the living room, proved to be very tiring for her and so she was asleep by the time her friends got to sit with her. They were very kind in bringing a lasagna, salad and bread for our consumption later.
I know today is Tuesday, I changed watches so I could keep up with time and dates. I am at a total loss for Saturday! Eric came by to help with the laptop, it is the third time the hard drive has crashed, thankfully he has been able to recover the majority of our pictures. I think this all happened on Sunday, not sure.
Monday was a very trying day. Lin woke up full of piss and vinegar. She was ready to tackle the world. She awoke at 6am. She wanted to get dressed and get a move on going outside, making phone calls, lists, etc. As we dressed her we made note of intense skin color change in her legs, purplish blotchy knees and feet and the fact that they were freezing cold, an indication of her body shutting down as the blood is no longer flowing to her legs. She also had blood and clots in her urine. The surge of energy is also an indicator. The nurse agreed with the assessment as we have a listing of physical traits that we track. She advised once again, be ready, Lin's time to go can happen at any time.
I have promised Lin that I will keep her apprised of her health situation and had the first talk with her last week to let her know that she was in a dying process that was accelerated. With the tumors in her head, she forgets things. I had to bring her up to speed again on the situation and add that some of the indications now let us know that she could pass at any time.
Lin defies the laws of nature. Just hours after speaking with her and experiencing an emotional time, all her symptoms went away. The Hospice folks tell us that she is not following the "normal" dying process.
Today, she awoke at 6am. No indicator symptoms. She had coffee and yogurt for breakfast and then fell asleep in the recliner early in the morning. She awoke at 4pm, still all normal and sat outside for at least an hour. She is now napping on the couch.
Her heart is working harder than ever, however, her blood pressure has now dropped to normal. Her body vitals are much like our daily routine schedule, erratic at best.
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