Time Passes

It seems that no matter how much time passes, not much changes.  I am still here and Lin is still gone.  I have been really feeling her loss as of late.  Lin has been gone 632 days and it still seems like yesterday at times.

As the job scene has been slow and no real prospects on the horizon, I had to make the decision to down-size.  When your loved one is alive, you make plans, life is grand and you move on with plans together.  You never think what it will be like if they are gone.  What was once manageable, it becomes a challenge. 

Getting the house, our house ready to sell, has stirred so many emotions, I thought they had died as well.  I can't seem to shake this feeling.  It is like I just heard that she has cancer for the first time.  I still have this long journey to travel before things change again. 

So much has happened in a short time,   I keep thinking that the pain of her death will one day become less.  I don't know if there is a timetable, I keep wishing there was a book to follow.  Some days are better than others and I am thankful for that.  This move has forced me to deal with things that I had simply pushed away and did not deal with. I never, ever, thought that I would ever leave that place, our place. It is after all where we intended to retire.

Nobody tells you how hard life will be, coping and dealing with the sad, in your face reality of life on your own.  I desperately need purpose in my life.  I keep thinking that I need to define a new a career for myself, one that actually has purpose.  I wonder what that would be. 

It seems impossible that it is now just three months short of two years of Lin's passing.

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star - Are You There?

So much time has passed, yet, many things remain the same. As I look around the room in here, your shotzkies (is that what they call them), your dust collectors are still where they were a year ago. Your art supplies, still remain in drawers, containers or where ever you last touch them; canvases are still white, untouched.




I was in the bedroom a minute ago and I looked around. Not much has changed there except the orientation of our bed. That has changed a couple of times since you left. Neither you or I ever moved them, our families did this for us, both when you were ill and when I took a dive from the ladder. All else is pretty much the same. I even found a big dust bunny tonight when I had to go behind the dresser to plug in light that has not been used since you left; I think the dust bunny is too big for the vacuum, it must be a year old now.


I'm sort of glad that I had to endure my own physical pain this year because then it made me think of you and even get a little mad at you. Although, I have to say, that there were many days that I was really pissed at you! When I first fell my first thought was of you and that I needed to call you. You were not here. When I got to the hospital, I half way believed that you would materialize and I would not have to keep repeating myself; you would be there to help me; you did not show. When I awoke from surgery, I kept thinking of you and hoping that you somehow would think of me and be there, that did not happen. The realization that you would not ever be for me again came when I came out of my haze, my fog.


You were gone for keeps. You would not return to me out of love, out of guilt, out of friendship; you simply would not return. That was the most rotten three weeks of my life. To sit there and have to smile for visitors and just lay there and think of you not coming back to be with me was almost unbearable. No matter what happened, for that day forward I knew I could not wish you back. I was on my own. I must have been in some kind of shock from October through April. This was the first time that I was ever mad at you for leaving. Before that time, I tried my best to reason and understand.


Funny, I either stay awake past 1:30am or wake up in time to see the clock change. When I laid by your bedside, you always woke up at 1:30am. I was so tired then, I just did what I had to do to get to the next day. Now I just think of all the time I could have actually spoken with you instead of wanting to go back to bed. Life was cruel then and it really has not been very nice at all this whole year.


I am over being mad at you now. I still feel a lot of guilt for things that I did not do, say or otherwise think about then. I know it is stupid, but it happens. Tonight, I have been dreading today for a long time. I don't know if something magical is supposed to happen or what, but I have had a fear of this day for a long time. Even after my accident and knowing that you would not return, there is something about this day; I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I am afraid that I will forget you. That somehow I will start to go on with my life as I have already tried and I forget you. I know I can't; we buried you on my birthday. How could I ever forget that? At 9:30am you will have been gone a year.

Your family and I talk and keep your memory alive. It is very hard talking about you. It is like you die all over again every time we talk about your last days here. But that is what we have in common. It was very hard, difficult to talk to one another right after you passed. Marlene and I were mad at each other. It was for all the wrong reasons, but they seemed so valid to both of us at the time. We have worked our way past that for some time now. You have a new niece now; Marlene is a grandma. We have talked about that recently. The little girl, at two months, likes to talk on the phone to your Mom. We think it is you re-incarnated. You were always on the phone to your Mom or Sister!

I finally sold your car. I did not get to take it for a last ride. I had to have follow-up surgery. This time, I did not look for you. A nice lady from Borne, JP, bought it. Her husband fixed radiation machines. I had just put the for sale sign on your car and I decided to drive it to the grocery store for whatever reason (I had not been gro shopping in a year!). I parked it on the far side of the lot where it could be seen from the road. JP and her husband were driving by on their way to a family reunion. They decided to stop and shop. JP had bought some boots for Halloween and told her husband she needed a sexy convertible to drive. They pulled up next to your car and wa-la, it was for sale. They called me while I was in the store. They test drove it on their way back through and called me on their way home; they wanted to buy her. Well you baby is in good hands now.

I just lied when I said that I did not look for you. Well, I did not look for you, but I did think of you. I remembered how you used to kiss me, before I went under and after I woke up. I woke up asking a doctor where he got his case for his iPhone, weird huh.


I have had too much time to sit and think this year. It made me think of what you must have gone through and all you had to deal with, mine was a cake walk next to yours. You never complained, not even once.


You never complained. All that time that you must have felt like crap; all the time that you spent alone while I went to work, you never complained. If I could turn the clock around for even one day, there are some may things I would change. The biggest being, that I would go back to the Wednesday before you died and I would not be mad at you because you did not remember who I was or because you wanted to smoke. Stupid crap huh? I would get over it and sit with you, just sit with you. I know your past was not free of pain or worry either, I wish I would have met you earlier in life.


I don't know what tomorrow morning will bring, if anything. I know that you will not be with me physically. But you remain in my heart, in my thoughts and in my soul. I think part of me died with you and part of you now lives in me. Is that possible?


If it seems that I am all over the place, I am. You used to tell me how smart I was, well, I think I have scrambled eggs for a brain, since you left. Some days I do not want to get out of bed and others I just do. Some days I can't remember what I did the day before and others, well, thank God I keep a calendar.

I managed to keep your plants alive through the winter. I only lost one or two. But, somehow, with the help of my family, we did not lose a single plant or flower through the worst draught in many years here.


I am not mad at you for leaving anymore. I am just extremely sad that you died and you will not return. My heart aches to look into your blue eyes again, to touch your fine and silky hair and to lie next to you at night and to wake to you in the morning. I long to talk to you and tell about my day. I wish you could tell me what you think about the decisions that I am making. You are still the first person that I think about when anything happens. I wish I could hear you laugh one more time. I wish I could tell you that I love you, once more.


Lin once asked me. "When everything is stressful and hard and it seems like the world is closing in, what do you do?" I told her that I put on my headphones and listened to the song below, over and over. I would not let anything change my world. I have control, just wishful thinking. Well, we know that this is not true, but it is how I got through many rough days and nights.

Rest in peace, my love ...rest in peace.  I love you Lil'B!!





The Beatles - Across The Universe

Words are flying out like

endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me



Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world


Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe


Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world


Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe


Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world


Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva

Days go by...

Yesterday was the anniversary of our Holy Ceremony, September 16,2008. We would have celebrated nine years of marriage. I still don't know how to feel. I read a book recently, "90 Minutes in Heaven" and I was so happy to think that you have indeed gone to a much better place than this life chose to share with you. Then I see a picture of you, think of you, and all I can do is taste my salty, bitter tears.

I had planned to visit your gravesite yesterday, but, I ran out of hours in my day. If you were here, that NEVER would have happened. I remember what I read in "90 Min" and think, you are probably busy yourself and no longer concerned with earthly concerns. That makes me feel happy and sad at the same time.

One year ago yesterday, you shared with me what you had found out from your doctor's visit, the one you refused to let me attend with you. I got home from work, we sat on the couch together; the cancer had matestizised. The enemy had spread, there was very little hope to fight it.

We, you and I, had been fighting this monster for 18months at that time. You were then and continue still, to be the most brave person I had ever met. I was lucky and married my HERO!

In all my years, I never thought I would be so lucky to have met such a kind, caring, beautiful, loving, selfless soul but there you were, saying, "I will" to ME! You wanted to share your life with me! I was so happy on our wedding day. We were able to share our day with family and friends, that made it all the more special.

I know that it is selfish, but, I wish I could have just one more day with you. We could go to that spot on the beach where you proposed to me. This time I would not be scared or embarrased to hold your hand or steal a kiss. Maybe we could go to that out of the way "Lobsta Shak" that we fell in love with in Canada, just the two of us. Maybe then, days like today would not be so damned hard.

I miss you with every ounce of my soul.

It has been a while!

It has been a while since I have written. I have not had the energy, nor the want to do much. If you read the prior posting, then you know that I went down on April 8, 2009; a non-fatal fall, but damaging none the less.

I was minding my own business, actually having fun as I power-washed a Pergola and had stopped only long enough to climb a six foot ladder to check a plant hanger, when all of the sudden, my right knee wobbled and I knew I was going down in mere seconds.

I felt my hands slice the air, grasping for anything that would help me stay on the ladder, to no avail. I don't remember hitting the concrete, none-the-less, I found myself laying on the ground, on my back, as my right shoulder ached and I knew I could not move my right leg for the pain.

I shouted at the top of my lungs, "HELP, HELP!", that is when I noticed that the power-washer was still on, no one would hear me, no matter how much I screamed. I looked around and remembered a thought that I had earlier. Everyone in the neighborhood worked, the sound of the power-washer was the loudest sound that I could hear, all else was quiet, no one was home. I knew that I was in trouble. I had a brain fart and pulled the iPhone out of my pocket. I was ready to dial 911, and then a fleeting thought crossed my mind, I don't remember the address! Another thought came from nowhere, cell phones cannot be tracked to the exact location, can they?

The pain was intense. Each time I moved, I felt like someone was pounding my leg with a sledge hammer, other times like my leg was in a vise grip. My shoulder continued to throb, I could hear my own heart beat. I attempted to get up, but only managed to make the pain more intense. I thought about dragging myself, but then thought, where? I am on the patio, if I manage to get in the house, I would have to deal with an ~80lb dog. It is funny how many thoughts, some stupid, cross your mind when an accident occurs or for that matter when you suffer severe pain.

I was lucky that Tory was home, a cute, lively, and smart 10 year old girl. She called 911 and got me help. I don't remember too much more about that time. I guess that was because I knew that help was on the way. I could relax, well OK, concentrate on getting as comfortable as I could. He mom, Chellie and sister, Taylor got home not too long after that and I knew I would get help.

Being in the hospital... I don't remember too much about the week that I was at Breckenridge hospital, only what others tell me. I was either acting like a clown, flashing everyone my naked body, writing illegible brain dumps on paper or sleeping. Two times do stand out, however. The first was when I came out of surgery the first time. The nurse told me to push the button when I needed pain relief. I watched the clock and asked others to help me as the machine would release medication every 8 minutes. I pushed on that button like there was no tomorrow. I did after all have a leg with multiple fractures and a shoulder that had endured surgery. Did you see the picture in the prior posting? Well the nurse got mad at me because I was complaining that I was not getting enough pain medication. She came in and read me the riot act about the amount of meds I was allowed to have, blah, blah, blah. Well, Erin looked down and asked me to let her know the next time I pushed the button; I did. She took off to get the nurse. The Marine in her came out. She returned with the nurse. The line that connected the pain medication to the machine that allowed me the get meds, was not connected and instead had formed a small pool of liquid on the floor! The nurse turned red in the face and I finally got relief.

I am having problems concentrating on one thing at a time. The easiest thing that I do is gel in front of the TV right now. Stay tuned for the next posting, hopefully it will not take as long, however, I am headed to the beach with my sisters and Mom this weekend! Until later.

Roni has fallen and she can't get up!

Hello blog world! This is Roni's niece, Lori. I am writing this blog on behalf of Roni because, well, she just can't. Here is the story.

On April 8th, Roni was at a friend's house doing a little power washing. While she was up a ladder, she fell. She landed on her right side causing her shoulder and right Tibia to break. Part of her Tibia was actually shattered. Roni was rushed to Round Rock Medical Center. After she arrived there and the doctors performed their initial exam, they found the breaks to be too severe for them to treat. During this time, Erin arrived. The staff told Erin and Roni that she would have to be flown via Care Flight to Brackenridge Hospital. Roni wanted Erin to ride with her, but the hospital wouldn't let her. While this was Roni's first helicopter ride, she didn't enjoy it too terribly much! I wonder why? Anyway, Erin beat her to the hospital by an hour. That's saying alot - especially with Austin traffic.

When Roni arrived at Brackenridge she underwent her first surgery. They "fixed" her shoulder and placed pins and a rod in her leg. They also had to insert a drainage tube and cut gashes in her skin (I know there is a medical term for this, but my memory fails me now) because her leg was so swollen. They went in a couple of days later to clean out more of the fluid and get her ready for the big surgery.

On Monday, the doctors placed the plate in her leg. She seems to be doing great so far. This afternoon she was moved to Reliant Rehabilitation in Round Rock. I know she is hopeing for a speedy recovery. We all are. Since she broke her right leg, which is her "driving" leg, she will be dependant on everyone for a while. For those of you that know Roni, it's not going to be easy for her.

Roni did say for me to tell all her friends and family that have helped out, called, came by and emailed Thank You. She is very grateful to have such wonderful people in her life. She is not, however, grateful to me or Erin. I've been threating to paint her toenails (what is she going to do - chase me?) and Erin placed a pink fuzzy sock on her foot while she was asleep. I'm sure we will be paid back as soon as she can hobble around again!

Day 149 - Post

The sun seems to come up every day, much against my will. I can't believe it has been 149 days since Lin left my side.

I seem to spend many hours a days cleaning the pool. This used to be Lin's job. She would often remark to me that she had cleaned the pool and I would just make a comment that it looked nice or something stupid like that. What I did not know then that I know NOW, is how much work she did with the pool. Between fighting an endless amount of leaves, wind and the likes and trying to figure out the chemicals, ugh! I never gave her all the credit that she deserved for all the work that it took to maintain the pool.

With the change of the seasons, I got to experience another of the Lin's joys. I would put up some sort of warm shelter for her plants every year, that was nothing new. We would rush to move the plants the weekend before a big chill, all ~50 potted plants, large and small. I would hook-up water and electric lights, all the comforts for their warmth and thirst. I did that with help of Art, Alex, Erin and Eric this year. Difference was that we had all planted some of the plants in the ground so it was a little different. Thank God that I did not kill many of them this year!! The roses have started to blossom. The dead is giving in to the living. Pat and I spent most of the day today cleaning the patio, deck and pool. Lin loved her outdoors area and spent most of her days there. I never did give it much thought how much she did as mulled around outside.

Today started with a jump. Corban, Lori and Eric rang the door bell at 9:00am. On any given Sunday, before, I would normally get up late, drink some coffee and read the paper while watching some old movies. This is what Lin and I used to do. One exception, OK, a couple. She would get up earlier than me most of the time. She would make the coffee and then she get on the phone. By the time I would get up, she would be starting the second pot of coffee. She would have started the pump on the pool and most likely well on her way to watering the plants. I seem to be living her life now, or at least in part. After the gang left, there was no way that I could escape the calling to the outdoors, it was in horrible shape and I needed to address the needs of the plants and pool. I wondered, is this what motivated Lin to jump into action, a calling of necessity or a labor of love?

It does not seem right that life should continue to move forward without Lin in it. We talked about the situation once. That life goes on no matter who dies.

I wonder when it will get easy, easier. I can actually go hours sometimes without thinking of her. Is it because of the house, our furniture, our things we bought together, house we painted, colors, we picked...life we lived? I wish that I had more answers to my questions.

Let it go? That is what I hear...what would you do?

When someone dies many things happen. People become aggressive, people become passive. They yell and scream, they crawl in a corner and cry. One thing I do know as well, money and possessions is something that all the sudden becomes paramount and oh so important.

I deleted a comment today and decided to re-post it. This speaks volumes.

"I really don't want to get into this, but I have some strong feelings with the "BLOG". I don't think Lin would want Roni to talk "negative" about her Mom & sister. I was told by Lin, that she wanted $"XX" of the disability to go to her Mom.AND I think that since Roni & Lin were not "legally" married, all of the disability money-legally goes to "next of kin" (which would be Lin's Mother). So, I am not sure how Roni even cashed the disability check in the first place. A bit confusing I might say. Also, from what Lin told me, her sister (Marlene) was suppose to get all of Lin's personal belongings (with the exception of items she & Roni had already discussed). To this day Marlene has not received anything, except a few items."

I love my wife with all my mind, body and soul. I did and continue to do everything I can to make her happy, to do what would make her happy.

When the chips were down, I did the wrong thing and decided to immerse myself in work so I would not have to deal with "the cancer"; but you can't run away from it. Ultimately we took it on together. I changed my life to accommodate the fact that things would be different in the future for us, what we thought would be our future. I changed jobs so I could spend more time with her. I changed my 401K contributions to help accommodate for additional monies for treatments, things insurance would not cover and things to make us comfortable. I traded down my truck to reduce costs. I took on loans to make sure that she would be taken care of no matter what. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her; let me say that again, for her, not anyone else.

Something happens when someone dies; it gets really messy dealing with all the left over, grief, unresolved feelings, resentment, guilt there are other words, but you probably already know what they are and where this is going.

I am lucky Lin and I went and had a will made for her when she was of sound mind and body. And even still, it is not enough. I bought her a digital recorder and asked her to go room to room and tell me of anything she wanted anyone to have, she said no, she had already addressed that in her will.

The "Will" is a legally binding document. The will speaks now for Lin, even when I can't. I have taken time off of work to deal with these legal issues, gone before a judge and swore that I would uphold the letter of the will. I have done so with respect to Lin and have not swayed from that. I cannot change or challenge that which is set forth by the will without legal arbitration. Who has the extra funds for that? Who wants to go against what she wanted?

I mean no disrespect to anyone, I am simply stating facts as they occur. Lin made amends with her family prior to her death. I am not there yet. I used the word meddling the other day, maybe it was too strong, either way, I know that I am out additional attorney fees, that I do not have to spare from my pocket, to engage him to ensure that any funds that are made available by any means are FIRST and FOREMOST applied to her estate; the way she wanted it.

Actions taken by others did infuriate me, I will be honest. I told them so directly. That they did not trust that I would do the right thing and somehow go behind their back.... that is not me, never has been, never will be.

To address possessions, yes those dreaded little household and personal items that make a house a home...our home. What would you do if someone was ready to come to your house with boxes, the day after you buried your loved one, your wife and take everything away that represented your loved one's life? Not over my dead body. It was not because I did not want anyone to have anything, but because I was not ready to say goodbye to my wife - I still am not ready. I did give Lin's family the more personal items that she loved and held special. I regret that I kept only two items, but they are personal enough and I am glad I did not part with them (jewelry). I also expressed that if I did send anything, it would be 6 months plus. Guess what? Good thing, because I had to take inventory for her estate! The creditors are after EVERYTHING.

The person who wrote the comment says that I am disrespecting Lin's family and that Lin would not want for me to write what I am writing, that I should let this go. She says that I should write this in a journal and burn it. What say you? Yes, this is very personal. I am surprised at items that I blog about, but it does help me to write and from email that I get, it seems to helps others.

Before she passed, Lin asked me to write her story, good, bad and indifferent. She said that maybe someone would benefit knowing what she went through and maybe she could save someone. It has taken me a long time to get here, where I am now. But, thank to Bonnie (our RN from hospice) maybe I can do it. She gave me an awesome book that I can use as a guide.

So, I am asking for input.

What should I do?

Write in a journal and burn it? Let it go? Or, move forward with writing Lin's Story, which the title indicates.

I think Bonnie hit the nail on the head the other day when she said that she could pinpoint the day that I started writing differently, writing because Lin was reading the blog and when I started writing about Lin and what was happening in our lives. I am currently writing a different chapter, my current life. I seem to have written about during and now after, should I delve into before?

Drop me a note, I am interested to know what you think.

It has been a while...

Time has passed so quickly, yet it seems to stand still. It has now been what seems to be a lifetime since Lin passed away. I keep wondering if my life will always be measured by the number of days since Lin died...4 months and 5 days OR 125 days, or 17 weeks, or 3000 hours, or 180,000 minutes, give or take a few minutes....but who is counting right? Right...

It has been unusual as of late. It seems that it was easier to deal with life right after she died. Maybe I was numb or maybe it is because I did not have time to process her passing. I don't know, but I do know that lately it seems that I am sucking on one large tart candy as I can feel my jaw tighten, my throat restricts, my eyes start to water, I can't swallow and then it becomes hard to breathe. No reason at all for this to happen, she has just been on my mind a bunch lately. Her sobriety birthday is coming around, March 14, is that why I am thinking of her?

I am still dealing with legal stuff, trying to settle her estate. Her Mom and sister called me to tell me that they had meddled with social security; they feel entitled to the money she was to receive from disability. That started additional talks with the attorney - MAN those guys charge you if they fart on your time! I feel guilty that I have not sent them any monetary funds but then I feel mad that they are interfering. Lin did not trust them enough to make them executors. Besides all of this, there is no money. I am still trying to close out on debt, especially medical. Do yourself a favor and keep all your property, real estate and financial as separate as possible, it sure makes it allot easier in the end. The Gay factor does not help one bit, muddies the waters.

I went to South Padre Island with Allison. We went to spread some of Lin's ashes on the beach. I took her very close to the area where she proposed marriage to me, a long term commitment. I thought that it was weird that I was not overwhelmed by emotions when I actually spread her ashes. It has not been until now that it hits me or I talk about it. Even as I write, that damned tart feeling overcomes me. I was glad that I was finally able to take her to the beach, but then that guilt creeps back and it pangs at my chest; I did not get to take her to the beach when she was alive and asking to go. Is this how parents feel when they know a child wants something very badly, but they know that it is out of their reach or control to make it come to fruition? What a hell of a feeling.

I was talking with my friend Meredith he other day. She told me that Lin does not feel guilt, pain, regret, nothing but happiness where she is now; if that is true, I am very glad for Lin. This must be hell on earth then to survive your loved one, because the feelings are intense. I went to the movies with my sister Dora and friend Cara tonight, Perry Tyler's Medea goes to jail. There is a scene in the movie where the women are in prison listening to a converted prostitute speaking about forgiveness. She said that unless you forgive, you are the one that suffers and the person who did you wrong is scott free. I started thinking tonight... will I always suffer the pain of a victim until the time that I forgive myself for all the things that I could not or did not do for Lin?

I was wondering the other day how I would make it to the end of the day... even my performance review reflected my anguish. I received a negative hit because I have not been thinking strategic. Hello! I am trying to make it day to day and seldom think beyond the next couple of hours. Sorry to my friends who like to make plans in advance. And yes I know, my follow through is not what it once was. My level of concentration is being impacted by thoughts of yesteryear and the want for how it used to be and how it will not be that way ever again. I question my every decision and am finding it difficult to make financial determinations. Lin was my moral compass. I was the free spender, take the risk. She always, always, the more cautious one. I can honestly say that I feel lost most of the time. Do you ever get the feeling or remember that panic feeling when you see a cop and look down at your speedometer and think, holy $hit! Multiply that times 10,000 and then you start to feel how different life is for me now; I experience this feeling several times a day.

It is almost that time again. Most nights, I am still either awake or can't go to sleep or if I manage to fall asleep; I wake up for 1:30 am. Lin always awoke at this time; I would administer meds and talk to her or stroke her soft blonde hair until she fell asleep again. Like a new mother, I would then stay awake to make sure she would sleep for a while. Now I just stay up, update facebook, read, light a candle for Lin or just lay in bed thinking.

Well enough of the gloom and doom for one evening. I hope to go to her grave site soon and update some pics as her engraved headstone was put in place sometime back. I took pictures, but my iphone and this Dell computer do not like one another. He resting spot is a good place to go for peace and tranquility from time to time.

Please feel free to leave comments or let me know of different topics you may want to see.

U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fBj2wsimvQ

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

White Girls Can Dance? You're Still My Baby.

I went to the rental house today and was looking at the work completed on the counter make-over. I hopped in the truck and headed out to find nourishment. The radio was on a station that I actually listen to now rather than punching the button to change the station; it was Lin's favorite 107.1 KGSR. Willie Nelson was singing away, "Kansas City". The song somehow got me thinking of Lin and my first time to see her dance.

We had not been seeing each other for very long in terms of going out at night or dancing. She was working the night shift when we met. After one hell of a quarter end (we both worked Logistics); she suggested that we go to South Padre Island for a long weekend to recharge. It sounded great, so off we went.

We went out with Lin's friends to some little gay bar in Brownsville. Don't ask me where we were; I was totally lost. Marc and Omar drove us to this bar, and when I say little, it was little. Anyway some music, much attuned to Kansas City was playing and Lin asked me to dance. I don't know about you, but I have to have some "liquid courage" in my blood stream before I take a step onto the floor. She told me not to worry because she was a good dancer...

There were not many people on the floor, which made me even more uncomfortable. So let me set the stage. When I was much younger (yes MUCH), I was quite the dancer. I could dance polka, fast two-step, disco, you name it, I probably practiced it first while dancing along to American Bandstand, Lawrence Welk or Hee-Haw (yes, my parents MADE me watch some of those shows). Anyone who danced with me, knew that they had to give me "proper space"; never crowd a good dancer. LOL! So dancing this rock-n-roll / blues was kind of new to me. Next thing I know, Lin is dirty dancing up against me! I am sure my face was turning the deepest shade of red that it could. I was starting to perspire and had yet to move an inch. She had a great big smile on her face and then a sultry kind of look. She cocked her mouth to one side and half smiled. She shimmied her shoulders from side to side in a slow motion moves and then (OMG!!) started slowly squatting right in front of me! I was sure all eyes were on us and that I would soon hear laughter. I was frozen right where I stood; I could not move a muscle, althought my jaw was probably hitting the floor about then. I was a preppy, a shy, yes shy, polite person and I did not do "that" kind of dancing in public!!

I was never so glad to see Omar in my life! He approached Lin from behind and wanted to get into "that" action; well that was my queue to RUN! Lin and Omar continued to dirty dance as I watched from the sideline with Marc. I don't think I have ever downed beers so fast in my life. Lin continued to signal to me to come join them and I pretended that I did not see her signal. If this is what she called dancing, there would not be much of that happening that night.

On occassion we would discuss "that night". I would only shake my head and sigh heavily; Lin would grin and laugh. Several years later she asked me what I meant when I would see a Caucasian person dance and say "white people dance". I told her that no matter what race, if I saw someone dance with little sense of rhythm, then to me, that was white people dancing. I told her that I had seen those move in her as well. She was appauled! Next time we went out I asked to look around the floor and tell me what she saw. She told me that there were alot of "white people" out there thinking they could dance. We laughed about that often. From time to time she would call this out when we saw others dance.

We danced quite often at home. We would turn up the stereo and Lin would ask me to help her, give her lessons so that when we did finally go dancing in public she would not "white people dance". I had great fun dancing with her; she actually got really good. We had our own steps that we made up. It was not always easy as she was much taller than I. We had fun, that is what mattered. In her latter days she was only able to last but a few steps, but we had fun.

On a totally different note - if you have roses, today is the day to trim them. The little old man down the street has a really nice nursery and he told us that today was the day, if not tomorrow. Cut them back and they should come back beautifully. Don't forget to feed them!

I guess that is on my mind because we bought three rose bushes to plant in Lin's memory, in her garden. I bought a variety that was called "George Burns" (pic included). It just reminded me of Lin and brought a smile to my face. I later read up on it and here is what it said: "Just the array of novel colors in every flower can bring a smile to your face…although maybe not as many smiles as its namesake, the late George Burns. But it’s a definite "feel-good" rose; bright cheery ever-changing colors of yellow, deep red, rose pink and cream, big fragrant ruffled flowers, large clean deep glossy green foliage and a fairly compact yet free-flowering plant. Caution, though, an occasional cheap cigar turned into the soil may be required to keep this plant at its best."

Otis Redding

You're Still My Baby

http://www.lyricsmania.com/lyrics/otis_redding_lyrics_4700/dictionary_of_soul_lyrics_15432/youre_still_my_baby_lyrics_179183.html

Lyrics to You're Still My Baby :( Chuck Willis )

You're gone away

And you done left me alone, yeah

I've got nobody to call my own

I believe it's bye bye, baby, yeah

I wish you a lot of luck, darling

But you're still my baby

My my my baby

Told you i love you, honey

Yes, i did

Many, many, many times again, yeah

I've always played a losing hand

But it's bye, bye, bye, baby

That's what you're telling me

I wish you a lot of luck, darling

But i'm letting you know

You're still my baby

Ooh yeah

You may be, yes you may be

A thousand miles away, yeah

No matter how far or you may be

Looking at me somewhere

Right here in this town, lord, lord

But tell me all i, all i

All i want to know, know

Tell me, tell me what did i do, honey

Why, why, why did you put me down

Darling, darling

Somebody, somebody help me

Out of all this pain

But i've always played a losing game

But it's bye bye, baby, yeah

That's what you tellin'Lots of luck, darling

But i want you to know

That you're still my baby, my baby, my baby, yeah

You're still my baby, yeah

I want you to know

No matter where you go

No matter where i see you

I want you to be my baby

No matter what in the world you do

Honey, i want you to be my baby...

[ You're Still My Baby Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Triggers and memories - oh my!

Funny the things that trigger memories. I looked at my watch today a little before 9:30 am; I was in a meeting filled with a bunch of tech professionals, everyone was engaged in discussion. I could not put my finger on it. I decided to work on email as the discussion did not pertain to me. As I turned off my screen saver, there she was. I built a collage of Lin's pictures and placed them as the background for my desktop. She was smiling in each picture; we were playing on the beach, some of the pictures, only four months old. 9:30 am was when she was pronounced, gone, dead. I packed up my stuff and rushed out the door as quickly as possible; to everyone in the room, I was on a mission; for me, I needed to breathe.

I went on-line today and created a new radio station on http://www.pandora.com/ . I called the station, Lin's music. I selected nothing but rock that she liked. I have been listening to it since I got home and worked from my desk here this afternoon. Teh station will evolve as time passes, try it; it is fun! This is the link to her station: http://www.pandora.com/stations/c98c7d961d53764d4d60d32c4a7675473a5582c0cdf59754


I went out to lunch with two new friends, Meredith and Emily. I have been cooped up with them since early January working on a project. We went to Main Street Grill. When I met Lin, I owned and lived in a house on Main street. A little time after Lin moved in, the restaurant opened. We made this our place. We would walk down the sidewalk, a whole two blocks and be greeted by Jo. She always, OK almost always, sat us in the same booth. We would wine, dine and laugh. Jo would usually place a bottle of wine in a bag for us to take home with our fantastic strawberry cheese cake; we didn't think we could get in trouble for drinking and walking. Walking in there today was made easier by being with friends.

All in all, I had a good week. There were a couple of times when things were great and I wanted to share my feeling with someone; the first person that popped in my head was Lin. I always called her first to share whatever was happening to me. Who is the first person you like to share with?

When I went to Houston over Christmas, I had an experience. I was driving, took the wrong turn and immediately looked over to my navigator's seat, there was no one to blame but my self that time around. It made me wonder, how many times I had blamed her for wrong directions, when it was really me. Not a sad thing, just reminded me that I can be an a-hole at times... It was a very quiet ride. We used to sing, laugh, eat sunflower seeds and get lost together; doing this by myself was pretty scary stuff. I wonder how many pilots like to fly solo versus have a co-pilot/navigator?

I hope that wherever Lin is today, she is well. She never met a stranger - I imagine someone somewhere is probably wanting her to make her point...she could get a little long winded. I hope she has visited all the beaches that we had only wished we could one day see.

I can't wait until the day that we can once more look into each other's eyes. I saw your beautiful soul dancing in the sun today as I sat in your car. I had pulled the top down and there were no clouds only bright sunshine beaming down on me and warming my being. It felt like you were with me. These were the types of days that you cherished. Days where you were outside from sun-up to sun-down. I miss you!

Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay - Otis Redding
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knymoALfH9o

SURPRISE! We celebrated your birthday!

It was a spur of the moment thing. I talked about it for a while, but decided only the week before to celebrate Lin's birthday with a party. Allison and Dora helped me to plan the menu and off we went in different directions during the week. Dora did most of the cleaning and Allison took care of some speciality recipes. On Saturday we started cooking early and finished right on time as guests started to arrive, thanks to added help we got from Pat, Flora and Marti. I was apprehensive all week long for no good reason. I think between the holidays and her birthday; this was definitely the hardest time to endure. This was special as it was her special day.

I used to save all the special gifts for Lin's birthday rather than for Christmas. Items that she really wanted; I made her wait right past the holidays and boy was that hard on her. She was never one to keep a surprise. If she bought me a gift in October because she found a sale, I got it then rather than November. I, on the other hand, could wait until the day - I think this irked her somewhat. ;-)

On January 21st, Allison accompanied me to the cemetery to lay roses on Lin's grave. We stayed and visited for a while. It was a nice day; the weather was beautiful. There were allot of birds chirping around and the sound of the waterfall nearby made my heart smile. Lin would have loved the spot I chose for her, us. They have placed her final headstone. It was weird to see my name on the stone. I had not given it much thought in the past, what I would choose at the time of my death, how I would be buried. When I went to pick out a plot for Lin, I had promised her that I would get one for the both of us. She wanted to be cremated, so by osmosis, I will be cremated as well. The cemetery that she chose only serves cremations. I still find it strange that I made life long or should I say, after death decisions in only minutes. My logic was that I will no longer need my body when I am gone, so there really is not much thought to it, unless of course it is due to religious reasons.

I would venture to guess that at the height of the night, there were 45 well wishers crammed into the kitchen and dinning room. I think that it is funny that no matter what, everyone always ends up in the kitchen while the living room goes un-noticed. The menu was planned around finger foods as well as the type of foods that Lin liked, with a slight flair. We served pecan crusted chicken tenders, chicken wings with three sauces, seafood crab dip, mini quiches, boiled shrimp, Gorgonzola cheese truffles w/ fruit, veggie tray, deviled eggs, asparagus wraps, stuffed celery sticks and cheese cake. For those who missed the occasion, the food flowed as quickly as the drinks. I think everyone had a good time. Next year I will have to do better at the planning and sending invites.

It will be 3 months this coming Friday that Lin left my side. I still cry myself to sleep more than not and I still have much guilt over thoughts of "did I do all I can and did I make the right decisions". I don't guess that some of this will ever go away, only diminish on the amount of time I remember those those feelings. I still wonder why Lin; why now. Most of the time I am crushed that she is gone, while other times I am glad that she no longer feels all the pain.

"I wish you were here right now. I would hug you and hold onto you like I was never to see you again. I would tell you that yes, you are right about everything and I am/was wrong. I would give in more and argue less. I would take you to the beach and instead of reading, I would join you in a long walk as you looked for sand dollars. I would spend time helping you cultivate your garden instead of working on email. I would sacrifice an hour of sleep and wake up early to make you coffee for a change. I would take you for a leisurely drive on a Sunday morning instead of reading the newspaper back to back. Despite how unbearably hot it was, I would hug you while in bed more often. Most of all, I would just spend more time on us than on anything else." It is hard to know that I cannot change my past with Lin. I can never make-up for all those little things that I thought I would have a lifetime to recover.

I wish I could get a do-over button and get the chance to change all the things that could have possibly made a difference. I wish I could have said so many things to Lin, if only I had known that I had but a day left that she was coherent and she knew who I was. I would have made some different choices so she would not have suffered in pain for so long. I would have punched a doctor at RR Hospital; he was big ass. He made Lin cry by withholding medications; afraid she may become "addicted"; like that mattered. I wish Lin would have known how special she was.

Life is strange. It is like a ride on a roller coaster. You are scared to get on the ride when you see the twists, turns, jerking motions and even the speed at which you will travel. Once you are in the ride and buckled down, it does not seem as scary, until you take off. The anticipation that something will happen does not compare to when it actually does. Anticipation gives way to exhilaration, elation and euphoria. Then the ride is over and either you get back in line to take another gander or you sit and watch others engage. The only difference is that in a roller coaster, an engineer designed and built the twists and turns into place and they are quite expected. In real life, there is no such thing. You never know what will be around the corner.

Open your heart and let love in. Open your eyes and see the beauty around you. Listen with your ears, others most likely have something great to say. Take a deep breathe and enjoy all that nature has to give. Out-stretch your arms and hug someone you love; feel their love for you. We get but only one today. Tomorrow you cannot change what happened today. Yesterday is only memory. Change what you can, enjoy your life and smile allot.


I Will Remember You [Sarah McLachlan] dedicated to Lin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nBAJZrVp1k&feature=related

Forever Young - Happy Birthday Lin!

Happy Birthday Lin Poulin!

Mildred Taylor once wrote, "We have no choice of what color we're born or who our parents are or whether we're rich or poor. What we do have is some choice over what we make of our lives once we're here."

You made the most of the life you were given. You possessed a beautiful, loving, caring and nurturing soul. We could not have asked for a more beautiful gift than to have had you as part of our lives. We cherish the memory of you. We miss you terribly!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dV__52qXJc0

The Gift - Thank You For Loving Me

This is the first Christmas in nine years that Lin and I have not been together. This has been the worst year in both of our lives. My love has passed to another world and I miss her. I really thought that she would have been here this Christmas, even knowing that her illness had been given as terminal. We always thought we would have at least six months. Cancer knows no boundaries; it does not discriminate; it does not care who you are or what good you have done with your life; cancer consumes a person, their family, and friends.

I was glad my family was here today; but it just did not seem like Christmas without Lin. I woke up this morning knowing that I had to cook for the family as they were coming over to exchange gifts and take family pictures. Everyone was pairing up this evening as families or couples and posing for their pictures; my love was missing. The work of cooking took my mind off of Lin every now and then, but then again we used to cook together when we had company. I was the chef and she was the sous chef or visa-versa. Most of the time we would get into a tiff because I would tell her she needed to go in and take a shower and she would not listen and then she would be in a panic because everyone was due any minute and she would not have even taken a shower...how I miss those times.

Lori and Eric gave me a great gift for Christmas, it is the "American Idol, Wii" game. We all sang karaoke tonight and got critiqued by Simon, Paula and "The Dog". I actually won the competition between Erin, Alex, Art and I. Dora, Marti, Art (replaced by Erin) and I all played Rumicube tonight as well. Eric and Lori left early to get baby Corban to bed. Kandi, Don and Jonathan left shortly after dinner to head back to Devine (small town south of San Antonio). We all talked about the New Year's party that Lin and I hosted several years back. Lin had bought me karaoke machine as a Christmas gift. We used it that night and my brother-in-law, Ray sang Madonna, "Like a Virgin"! You have to understand that Ray is now ~72 years old and a real country type of a guy. We all laughed at the memory of Ray belting out that song after drinking a little liquid courage.

Lin got me. She knew me better than I knew myself. We had both been single for over four years each when we met. She was a breathe of fresh air. She was light hearted and I was serious. We were complete opposites. She often helped me to see things differently. She forced me to think twice. She made me a better person.

I went by Lin's grave yesterday and left her a dozen roses. They had already removed the Christmas ornament that I had left two weeks before. I had found a glass ornament in the shape of a surfboard; it had a scene of a beach painted on it. An oriental lady was there visiting a relative and singing Christmas songs in her native language. If Lin was present, I am sure she would have been asking for ear plugs.

Lin left me the best gift that she could have ever given me. I was walking around the house and looking for small trinkets that belonged to Lin as I was preparing a package for her youngest nephews with whom we had spent some time this summer on our vacation. I looked in a drawer and I found a small spiral; it was her Gratitude book. I had no idea that she had written in one. As it was near the back door, I would have to guess that she used to write in it when she went out on the patio to sit. She used to sit out there for hours at a time. Below I have exerted what she wrote, there is no date, nonetheless, it is the best gift that I have ever received from anyone:

"Roni -
I am so grateful for her love, support and encouragement. She has always told me and made me feel that I am a very intelligent, strong, good and caring person. She has always been there for me through all my illnesses, Hep-C, cancer treatments and operations and has helped me try to stay strong and positive which I have struggled with. She is an amazing person. No matter what adversities come our way, she always finds the positive in the situation. I really admire her and wish... and I am trying to be more like her in many ways. I fell in love with her because I believe we are soul mates and I think she is a very special person. I thank God for bringing such a kind person into my live. I also ask God to look over her and protect her every day, to provide her with lots of love, health and happiness. Roni really loves me unconditionally and I know I have been a pain in the ass at times and feel bad for that. I want to bring her as much support and happiness as she brought me. I love Roni so much. She is and Angel that God sent. What a gift from God."

Lin was my angel. She changed my life. Rest in peace my love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESOVrc4K3CQ&feature=related
Bon Jovi - Thank You For Loving Me
It's hard for me to say the things I want to say sometimes
There's no one here but you and me
And that broken old street light
Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Chorus:
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue
Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies

Chorus:
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

Solo

Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Chorus:
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
You parted my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

One Step Forward - Two Steps Back

It will be seven weeks tomorrow that Lin passed away. Amazing that the most we had ever been apart was 4 days because I was traveling for business. She was diagnosed with ureter cancer February 2007, she fought a valiant battle with that disease for 20 months. It was not long after she was diagnosed that we were driving down road and talking about life in general. We were talking about death, like it would not visit our door. I surmised that some people had it hard because life goes on without you. Roads will be developed, houses will be bought and sold, babies will be born, people will laugh and celebrate while other will cry and all that will happen whether we are here or not.

What I didn't know then was that it was a very profound statement. When Lin passed away, I will be honest, sometimes I did not shower for days. It was not long ago that I was watching HBO and "P.S. I Love You" came on; I think they secretly recorded me. The girl's family did an intervention and cleaned her house. They asked her what was wrong with her face and she said she had a zit; her mother told her she should shower more often. My sister Marti said the same thing to me about my unexpected zits! Before and during the cancer battle, I used to live on 4-5 hours of sleep a night. At the height of my misery, not that I am out of the woods yet, but now, 10-12 hours doesn't seem to be enough.

I am struggling now that I am back at work. I have trouble concentrating on anything for too long and my sleep patterns are all screwed up. I still wake up at 1:30 every night, that is if I go to bed before then. Now that I have to wake up and attend 8am meetings, it has been sheer hell and caffeine that have got me through the day. The only positive thing that has come of all this has been the loss of 12 pounds.

I went to my friends' house JB and Sarah a couple of weeks ago. We met at Sarah's restaurant, http://www.angelsicehouse.com/ for lunch. I had the best Bloody Mary (uh - plural) that I have ever had and enjoyed some excellent chicken wings! I knew I was in Austin, cause you can take your dog here and there is even a menu for the mutts, kids too. Anyway, we had a good time there and then went to their house and watched a movie. I stayed the night, as they live near Egypt. We were talking about dancing and all kinds of things.

Talking about dancing got me thinking that night that it was not helping me to see all of Lin's clothes in the closet, bathroom and drawers every day that I would get dressed. I was thinking about two steps forward, one step back, repeating dance steps... As I looked around the bedroom at the girl's house, it was void of all things personal related to Lin or me and I convinced myself that I was ready to take a giant step forward.

I returned home Monday evening after spending most of the day with Sarah shopping. I started to go through the chest of drawers in the bedroom. I spent the whole week pulling out clothes, looking at them, deciding what to keep, what to throw away, what to give away to friends and family and what to donate. The girl had an enormous amount of clothes and shoes!!! Every time that I gave something away or as I watched Marti drive away with bags filled with clothes for the Women's Shelter; I felt that familiar stab in the chest feeling. My chest would get tight, I would feel a big lump in my throat and I felt like I was betraying Lin because now someone other than her would be wearing her clothes.

We buried Lin on my birthday, by chance. When were at the funeral home, I did not even know it was Nov 5. that we had chosen until Marti told me. With the in-laws nipping at my heels wanting to go home ASAP, I really had little choice. As I was cleaning out all of Lin's clothes, I kept wondering if I would find a little hidden or stashed present somewhere. Maybe she had asked someone to get me something... I would scour her pockets and look in all the boxes, drawers. I was looking for something, don't know what, but something. I only succeeded in disappointing myself. Later I thought about... if I did not know it was my birthday and I had all my faculties about me, how could I expect Lin to have remembered when she did not even remember who I was at the end?

When it as all done I could not help but breakdown and think ...two steps back.

Every day gets a little easier, but there is still allot to deal with. I went round and round with the insurance, their "Deliver the Promise" program. It did not matter that I paid them, they accepted my money bi-weekly and took it without question. But the guys at MetLife would not payout because of an internal business policy that said that I had to provide and Affidavit that proved that Lin and I had been in a relationship longer than six months. I explained that my employer did not request such documents of me or any other employee who added their domestic partners, hetro or homo, to their benefits. They did not care. I had to provide them one. How was that possible, I asked? Lin is dead, she cannot sign a freaking piece of paper!! Well, I ended up signing their Affidavit, un-notarized and not signed by Lin just so they would pay. They accepted the paper finally. This, after telling me right after Lin passed that they would pay right around two weeks (+/- a couple of days). Then they "promised" last week that the check was in the mail, FedEx. I asked for a tracking number, they could not give me one, so another week went by. I finally got a payout of the policy. I told their representative that this was not fair treatment as when asked, married hetro couples do not have to provide proof of marriage. I told him that they should change the program name to "Deliver the Lies".

Christmas is fast approaching and I am dreading it. I see everyone getting into the spirit and almost feeling giddy. I saw a young couple today in the parking lot of the bank and they were walking hand in hand, talking about XMAS shopping, laughing and kissing; it made me very sad. I wondered who would buy me power tools this time around or who would know or even ask what I wanted. Lin always got me power tools and gadgets that I wanted. I know it is selfish, but that is what I thought. I was shopping on-line weeks back and even looked at things that Lin would like, only to delete the purchases as Lin would not be here.

Well, Chickle' and Prada moved to Houston several weeks back. Lin would be happy that they ended up in a home where they are loved and wanted. They have been adopted by Eric, Alyssa and Mia. Mia is three years old and has decided that they needed new names, so she called Chickle', Max and Prada is now Ruby. Chickle' has taken to his new name, but Prada is another story, she was always somewhat snobbish, thus the name. They are adjusting well. Max allows Mia to do anything she wants with him and Ruby, aka Prada, has adopted Alyssa.

When Lin was in her last days, I used to go into our bedroom and lay with her on the hospital bed and listen to Sade. She introduced me to her music when we met. Today I turned on my system at work and wanted to listen to some music and Sade came on ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sAPO1CyDJ4&feature=related
Sade
By Your Side

you think i'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
i wouldn't do that
i'll tell you you're right when you want
ha ah ah ah ah ah
and if only you could see into me
oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
when you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in
i will show you you're so much better than you know
when you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again
i will find you darling and i will bring you home
and if you want to cry
i am here to dry your eyes
and in no time
you'll be fine
you think i'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
i wouldn't do that
i'll tell you you're right when you wrong
ha ah ah ah ah ah
and if only you could see into me
oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
when you're low
i'll be thereby your side baby
oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
oh when you're low
i'll be there
by your side baby

Thank You Kandi!

I forgot to thank Kandi for all her hard work! She ran a 26 MILE marathon on November 15 and told us that Lin served as her inspiration. She ran with a picture of Lin pinned to her shirt. She told me that at one point, she was in pain, but felt for Lin's picture and thought if Lin endured the pain that she did in dealing with cancer, then she could force herself to push on as well.

Kandi - you are truly a one-of-a-kind sister! Marti and I have started...started...to talk about getting ready for the marathon for next year. You are a great example and inspiration to us all as well.

No time to say good-bye.

I was getting dressed the other day; I am still not able to sleep nights despite taking Ambien. As I sat on the bed and started to put on my socks, I remembered how Lin used to get out of bed and sit next to me and talk to me about her plans for the day, ask me about mine. For a moment, time stood still. This is the fourth Friday anniversary of her death. I miss her pleasant quiet voice in the mornings saying good morning; her thoughtfulness to get out of bed even though she did not have to in order to make me coffee for my drive to work. I miss her cuddling up next to me in the mornings and asking me to stay in bed five more minutes. There will never be enough time to say goodbye to your loved one. Worship every moment that you get; make the most of it.

The Friday she died time stood still. I don't know if that happens in order for a person to process everything that is going on or if it just happens because your brain cannot comprehend just what is happening around you. I remember the talking in the background, music playing, the smell of coffee in the air. I heard birds chirping outside and the sound of a car as it drove by. I remember her mom holding a tissue in her hand and turning it over and over, just fiddling with it. Mostly, I remember the rhythmic sounds of Lin's breathing and my anticipation of her next breathe. Have you ever watched a movie and someone is holding their breathe as they are going to dive into water or something of that nature and you find yourself holding your breathe as well with them? I could not hold my breathe, I did not understand how Lin continued to breathe over and over again. I remember the moment that Bonnie shook her head to indicate that Lin had died. I would have gladly given my life for hers at that moment. It all comes back to me, frame by frame.

The pain has not diminished. There are days when life is normal; I laugh and I remember my love for Lin and hers for me. I remember her laughing; I smell someone smoking a cigarette and think of her. I used to loathe the smell. I remember that her favorite Christmas movies were "A Christmas Story" and "The Grinch That Stole Christmas", the Jim Carey version and I smile. Then there are the moments that I am cleaning the kitchen sink or reminding myself that I need to take a shower and I feel a stabbing pain in my chest, breathing becomes hard; I fall apart. I remember how she loved me in her own ways and I fall apart again, for no reason again. I want to throw myself on the floor and writhe in the pain as if it will bring her back again. I believed in her love; our love; the love we gave each other. I know I will not ever love anyone that way again; the we loved one another, our world together; I know I almost touched heaven. Once you feel a love so real and lose love is to know that you will never feel it the same way again.

I was not ready to say good-bye to Lin. No matter how many times the nurses told me that she would pass away any time; I guess I just did not want to hear it. I did not have the conversations with Lin that I needed to. I did not say what I needed to say. We were both too scared to talk about death and dying and the inevitable loss that I would experience when she was gone. I think she did not want to cause me any more pain than what I was already feeling and I did not want to burden her with more pain than the physical pain that she was already feeling. Instead, I was falling in love with her all over again I wanted to court her; I wanted to tell her I had a crush on her; that she was cute; I did not want to talk to her about funerals, possessions and the ache that I felt in my heart, the inevitable pain of loneliness that would take me over today, yesterday, tomorrow. I wanted to talk about the magic of the love that I felt in my heart the moment I saw the child in her eyes but she was regressing and was slowly forgetting me. I was losing her slowly each day. I wanted to say good-bye but could not find the words or the right time. I had stupidly put my head above my heart.

Alex and I went by her grave today and left her roses and rose pedals. We talked to Lin of our Thanksgiving dinner together. We shared with her the prayer that we had asked God the evening before. I asked God to take Lin and into his hands, touch her heart, her wings and allow us to feel her presence; that we may know she and others that had passed on before her were now in a better place.

My feelings are all over the place today and I am sure that I am not making much sense today. There are so many things that I would do all over again, much differently. There are many others that I would not change as I would not have otherwise met or known Lin, felt her love. I appreciate the pain at times as it makes the feelings of love go that much deeper. There are hours when they seem they will last forever and I never want to feel that pain again, but then I remember the minutes like our sitting on the bed as I put on my socks and wish they would never have ended.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3D2DDxD1m0&feature=related

Celine Dion
Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Sleepless in Austin

Have you ever gotten out of bed and felt like crap? You force yourself to jump in the shower, grab a cup of coffee maybe some toast, get in your car and head for the office. The whole time your driving you keep thinking you don't want to talk to anyone, just get to your desk, do some email, work on your projects and basically just get through the day. But the first thing that happens is that you run into cheery Joe, "top of the morning! How are you feeling today?"

Those are the days that I want to just stick my head in the proverbial sand. I know everyone is well intentioned and all, but I find myself in this position allot lately. How are you doing? Well I just lost my spouse permanently, not because she wanted to go, believe me she told me. I just buried her a little under a week ago...blah...blah..blah. How would you respond? I know this will be hard for people to understand but I find myself at a loss for words.

This all still feels surreal. I keep expecting Lin to walk in the door. I pressed the button today to listen to messages and there was her voice. "Hi Honey! Boy this message sounds horrible. You need to rerecord it. Call me!" Makes me want to pick up the phone, however, I don't think the AT&T tower can handle the call.

I went to the dentist Monday as I lost a crown. He convinced me that I needed to come in for a check up as it had been a while. As the dental hygienist was cleaning my teeth, she kept commenting on how well they looked considering. I finally asked her just how long it had been since I had been in; she smiled, 19 months. Right around the time that Lin was first diagnosed with cancer. In the next couple of weeks I will have two root canals and two bridges put in. I had not realized just how much I had neglected myself. No wonder Lin kept reminding me to take better care of myself and not to worry about her.

I went to the lawyer office on Wednesday and spent several hours at the social security office. I found out a little bit about "joint tenancy". I would suggest that you look at your bank accounts and real estate records and find out how they are set up (talk to your lawyer, my interpretation my be incorrect). It is a form of ownership by two or more individuals together. It differs from other types of co-ownership in that the surviving joint tenant immediately becomes the owner of the whole property upon the death of the other joint tenant. This is called a Right of Survivorship. If you do not have this...oh my. There is something called tenancy in common. It is another form of co-ownership. It is the ownership of an asset by two or more individuals together, but without the rights of survivorship that are found in a joint tenancy. Upon the death of one co-owner, his or her interest will not pass to the surviving owner or owners but will pass according to his or will. If there is no will, his or her share will pass according to the law determining heirs. If you are gay, have tenancy in common and do not have a will, your spouse will not have any legal rights! I thank Lin for putting her will together last year!! By the way social security works along the same line, surviving heirs or will; however a gay spouse is not entitled to any death benefits regardless of how much your spouse contributed to the system.

I hope that someone can benefit from what Lin and I have experienced. I never knew death could take such a toll on a person; the dying or the living. I have experienced death in my family before but never knew it so intimately.

I keep reliving the last week of Lin's life. Each time the reel plays in my head I do things differently, but no matter what the movie ends the same. I see different parts of our past, kind of like the chapter breakout on a DVD; I relive those times as well. I get mad at things that I said, that I should have said and for the times that I should have just listened.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWwRb2A9idY

Barbara Streisand
Why Did I Choose You?

Why did I choose you?
What did I see in you?
I saw the heart you hide so well
I saw a quiet "woman" who had a gentle way
A way that caught me in it’s glowing spell
Why did I want you?
What could you offer me?
A love to last a life time through
And when I lost my heart so many years ago,
I lost it lovingly and willingly to you...
If I had to choose again,
I would still choose you...