White Girls Can Dance? You're Still My Baby.

I went to the rental house today and was looking at the work completed on the counter make-over. I hopped in the truck and headed out to find nourishment. The radio was on a station that I actually listen to now rather than punching the button to change the station; it was Lin's favorite 107.1 KGSR. Willie Nelson was singing away, "Kansas City". The song somehow got me thinking of Lin and my first time to see her dance.

We had not been seeing each other for very long in terms of going out at night or dancing. She was working the night shift when we met. After one hell of a quarter end (we both worked Logistics); she suggested that we go to South Padre Island for a long weekend to recharge. It sounded great, so off we went.

We went out with Lin's friends to some little gay bar in Brownsville. Don't ask me where we were; I was totally lost. Marc and Omar drove us to this bar, and when I say little, it was little. Anyway some music, much attuned to Kansas City was playing and Lin asked me to dance. I don't know about you, but I have to have some "liquid courage" in my blood stream before I take a step onto the floor. She told me not to worry because she was a good dancer...

There were not many people on the floor, which made me even more uncomfortable. So let me set the stage. When I was much younger (yes MUCH), I was quite the dancer. I could dance polka, fast two-step, disco, you name it, I probably practiced it first while dancing along to American Bandstand, Lawrence Welk or Hee-Haw (yes, my parents MADE me watch some of those shows). Anyone who danced with me, knew that they had to give me "proper space"; never crowd a good dancer. LOL! So dancing this rock-n-roll / blues was kind of new to me. Next thing I know, Lin is dirty dancing up against me! I am sure my face was turning the deepest shade of red that it could. I was starting to perspire and had yet to move an inch. She had a great big smile on her face and then a sultry kind of look. She cocked her mouth to one side and half smiled. She shimmied her shoulders from side to side in a slow motion moves and then (OMG!!) started slowly squatting right in front of me! I was sure all eyes were on us and that I would soon hear laughter. I was frozen right where I stood; I could not move a muscle, althought my jaw was probably hitting the floor about then. I was a preppy, a shy, yes shy, polite person and I did not do "that" kind of dancing in public!!

I was never so glad to see Omar in my life! He approached Lin from behind and wanted to get into "that" action; well that was my queue to RUN! Lin and Omar continued to dirty dance as I watched from the sideline with Marc. I don't think I have ever downed beers so fast in my life. Lin continued to signal to me to come join them and I pretended that I did not see her signal. If this is what she called dancing, there would not be much of that happening that night.

On occassion we would discuss "that night". I would only shake my head and sigh heavily; Lin would grin and laugh. Several years later she asked me what I meant when I would see a Caucasian person dance and say "white people dance". I told her that no matter what race, if I saw someone dance with little sense of rhythm, then to me, that was white people dancing. I told her that I had seen those move in her as well. She was appauled! Next time we went out I asked to look around the floor and tell me what she saw. She told me that there were alot of "white people" out there thinking they could dance. We laughed about that often. From time to time she would call this out when we saw others dance.

We danced quite often at home. We would turn up the stereo and Lin would ask me to help her, give her lessons so that when we did finally go dancing in public she would not "white people dance". I had great fun dancing with her; she actually got really good. We had our own steps that we made up. It was not always easy as she was much taller than I. We had fun, that is what mattered. In her latter days she was only able to last but a few steps, but we had fun.

On a totally different note - if you have roses, today is the day to trim them. The little old man down the street has a really nice nursery and he told us that today was the day, if not tomorrow. Cut them back and they should come back beautifully. Don't forget to feed them!

I guess that is on my mind because we bought three rose bushes to plant in Lin's memory, in her garden. I bought a variety that was called "George Burns" (pic included). It just reminded me of Lin and brought a smile to my face. I later read up on it and here is what it said: "Just the array of novel colors in every flower can bring a smile to your face…although maybe not as many smiles as its namesake, the late George Burns. But it’s a definite "feel-good" rose; bright cheery ever-changing colors of yellow, deep red, rose pink and cream, big fragrant ruffled flowers, large clean deep glossy green foliage and a fairly compact yet free-flowering plant. Caution, though, an occasional cheap cigar turned into the soil may be required to keep this plant at its best."

Otis Redding

You're Still My Baby

http://www.lyricsmania.com/lyrics/otis_redding_lyrics_4700/dictionary_of_soul_lyrics_15432/youre_still_my_baby_lyrics_179183.html

Lyrics to You're Still My Baby :( Chuck Willis )

You're gone away

And you done left me alone, yeah

I've got nobody to call my own

I believe it's bye bye, baby, yeah

I wish you a lot of luck, darling

But you're still my baby

My my my baby

Told you i love you, honey

Yes, i did

Many, many, many times again, yeah

I've always played a losing hand

But it's bye, bye, bye, baby

That's what you're telling me

I wish you a lot of luck, darling

But i'm letting you know

You're still my baby

Ooh yeah

You may be, yes you may be

A thousand miles away, yeah

No matter how far or you may be

Looking at me somewhere

Right here in this town, lord, lord

But tell me all i, all i

All i want to know, know

Tell me, tell me what did i do, honey

Why, why, why did you put me down

Darling, darling

Somebody, somebody help me

Out of all this pain

But i've always played a losing game

But it's bye bye, baby, yeah

That's what you tellin'Lots of luck, darling

But i want you to know

That you're still my baby, my baby, my baby, yeah

You're still my baby, yeah

I want you to know

No matter where you go

No matter where i see you

I want you to be my baby

No matter what in the world you do

Honey, i want you to be my baby...

[ You're Still My Baby Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Triggers and memories - oh my!

Funny the things that trigger memories. I looked at my watch today a little before 9:30 am; I was in a meeting filled with a bunch of tech professionals, everyone was engaged in discussion. I could not put my finger on it. I decided to work on email as the discussion did not pertain to me. As I turned off my screen saver, there she was. I built a collage of Lin's pictures and placed them as the background for my desktop. She was smiling in each picture; we were playing on the beach, some of the pictures, only four months old. 9:30 am was when she was pronounced, gone, dead. I packed up my stuff and rushed out the door as quickly as possible; to everyone in the room, I was on a mission; for me, I needed to breathe.

I went on-line today and created a new radio station on http://www.pandora.com/ . I called the station, Lin's music. I selected nothing but rock that she liked. I have been listening to it since I got home and worked from my desk here this afternoon. Teh station will evolve as time passes, try it; it is fun! This is the link to her station: http://www.pandora.com/stations/c98c7d961d53764d4d60d32c4a7675473a5582c0cdf59754


I went out to lunch with two new friends, Meredith and Emily. I have been cooped up with them since early January working on a project. We went to Main Street Grill. When I met Lin, I owned and lived in a house on Main street. A little time after Lin moved in, the restaurant opened. We made this our place. We would walk down the sidewalk, a whole two blocks and be greeted by Jo. She always, OK almost always, sat us in the same booth. We would wine, dine and laugh. Jo would usually place a bottle of wine in a bag for us to take home with our fantastic strawberry cheese cake; we didn't think we could get in trouble for drinking and walking. Walking in there today was made easier by being with friends.

All in all, I had a good week. There were a couple of times when things were great and I wanted to share my feeling with someone; the first person that popped in my head was Lin. I always called her first to share whatever was happening to me. Who is the first person you like to share with?

When I went to Houston over Christmas, I had an experience. I was driving, took the wrong turn and immediately looked over to my navigator's seat, there was no one to blame but my self that time around. It made me wonder, how many times I had blamed her for wrong directions, when it was really me. Not a sad thing, just reminded me that I can be an a-hole at times... It was a very quiet ride. We used to sing, laugh, eat sunflower seeds and get lost together; doing this by myself was pretty scary stuff. I wonder how many pilots like to fly solo versus have a co-pilot/navigator?

I hope that wherever Lin is today, she is well. She never met a stranger - I imagine someone somewhere is probably wanting her to make her point...she could get a little long winded. I hope she has visited all the beaches that we had only wished we could one day see.

I can't wait until the day that we can once more look into each other's eyes. I saw your beautiful soul dancing in the sun today as I sat in your car. I had pulled the top down and there were no clouds only bright sunshine beaming down on me and warming my being. It felt like you were with me. These were the types of days that you cherished. Days where you were outside from sun-up to sun-down. I miss you!

Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay - Otis Redding
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knymoALfH9o

SURPRISE! We celebrated your birthday!

It was a spur of the moment thing. I talked about it for a while, but decided only the week before to celebrate Lin's birthday with a party. Allison and Dora helped me to plan the menu and off we went in different directions during the week. Dora did most of the cleaning and Allison took care of some speciality recipes. On Saturday we started cooking early and finished right on time as guests started to arrive, thanks to added help we got from Pat, Flora and Marti. I was apprehensive all week long for no good reason. I think between the holidays and her birthday; this was definitely the hardest time to endure. This was special as it was her special day.

I used to save all the special gifts for Lin's birthday rather than for Christmas. Items that she really wanted; I made her wait right past the holidays and boy was that hard on her. She was never one to keep a surprise. If she bought me a gift in October because she found a sale, I got it then rather than November. I, on the other hand, could wait until the day - I think this irked her somewhat. ;-)

On January 21st, Allison accompanied me to the cemetery to lay roses on Lin's grave. We stayed and visited for a while. It was a nice day; the weather was beautiful. There were allot of birds chirping around and the sound of the waterfall nearby made my heart smile. Lin would have loved the spot I chose for her, us. They have placed her final headstone. It was weird to see my name on the stone. I had not given it much thought in the past, what I would choose at the time of my death, how I would be buried. When I went to pick out a plot for Lin, I had promised her that I would get one for the both of us. She wanted to be cremated, so by osmosis, I will be cremated as well. The cemetery that she chose only serves cremations. I still find it strange that I made life long or should I say, after death decisions in only minutes. My logic was that I will no longer need my body when I am gone, so there really is not much thought to it, unless of course it is due to religious reasons.

I would venture to guess that at the height of the night, there were 45 well wishers crammed into the kitchen and dinning room. I think that it is funny that no matter what, everyone always ends up in the kitchen while the living room goes un-noticed. The menu was planned around finger foods as well as the type of foods that Lin liked, with a slight flair. We served pecan crusted chicken tenders, chicken wings with three sauces, seafood crab dip, mini quiches, boiled shrimp, Gorgonzola cheese truffles w/ fruit, veggie tray, deviled eggs, asparagus wraps, stuffed celery sticks and cheese cake. For those who missed the occasion, the food flowed as quickly as the drinks. I think everyone had a good time. Next year I will have to do better at the planning and sending invites.

It will be 3 months this coming Friday that Lin left my side. I still cry myself to sleep more than not and I still have much guilt over thoughts of "did I do all I can and did I make the right decisions". I don't guess that some of this will ever go away, only diminish on the amount of time I remember those those feelings. I still wonder why Lin; why now. Most of the time I am crushed that she is gone, while other times I am glad that she no longer feels all the pain.

"I wish you were here right now. I would hug you and hold onto you like I was never to see you again. I would tell you that yes, you are right about everything and I am/was wrong. I would give in more and argue less. I would take you to the beach and instead of reading, I would join you in a long walk as you looked for sand dollars. I would spend time helping you cultivate your garden instead of working on email. I would sacrifice an hour of sleep and wake up early to make you coffee for a change. I would take you for a leisurely drive on a Sunday morning instead of reading the newspaper back to back. Despite how unbearably hot it was, I would hug you while in bed more often. Most of all, I would just spend more time on us than on anything else." It is hard to know that I cannot change my past with Lin. I can never make-up for all those little things that I thought I would have a lifetime to recover.

I wish I could get a do-over button and get the chance to change all the things that could have possibly made a difference. I wish I could have said so many things to Lin, if only I had known that I had but a day left that she was coherent and she knew who I was. I would have made some different choices so she would not have suffered in pain for so long. I would have punched a doctor at RR Hospital; he was big ass. He made Lin cry by withholding medications; afraid she may become "addicted"; like that mattered. I wish Lin would have known how special she was.

Life is strange. It is like a ride on a roller coaster. You are scared to get on the ride when you see the twists, turns, jerking motions and even the speed at which you will travel. Once you are in the ride and buckled down, it does not seem as scary, until you take off. The anticipation that something will happen does not compare to when it actually does. Anticipation gives way to exhilaration, elation and euphoria. Then the ride is over and either you get back in line to take another gander or you sit and watch others engage. The only difference is that in a roller coaster, an engineer designed and built the twists and turns into place and they are quite expected. In real life, there is no such thing. You never know what will be around the corner.

Open your heart and let love in. Open your eyes and see the beauty around you. Listen with your ears, others most likely have something great to say. Take a deep breathe and enjoy all that nature has to give. Out-stretch your arms and hug someone you love; feel their love for you. We get but only one today. Tomorrow you cannot change what happened today. Yesterday is only memory. Change what you can, enjoy your life and smile allot.


I Will Remember You [Sarah McLachlan] dedicated to Lin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nBAJZrVp1k&feature=related

Forever Young - Happy Birthday Lin!

Happy Birthday Lin Poulin!

Mildred Taylor once wrote, "We have no choice of what color we're born or who our parents are or whether we're rich or poor. What we do have is some choice over what we make of our lives once we're here."

You made the most of the life you were given. You possessed a beautiful, loving, caring and nurturing soul. We could not have asked for a more beautiful gift than to have had you as part of our lives. We cherish the memory of you. We miss you terribly!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dV__52qXJc0

The Gift - Thank You For Loving Me

This is the first Christmas in nine years that Lin and I have not been together. This has been the worst year in both of our lives. My love has passed to another world and I miss her. I really thought that she would have been here this Christmas, even knowing that her illness had been given as terminal. We always thought we would have at least six months. Cancer knows no boundaries; it does not discriminate; it does not care who you are or what good you have done with your life; cancer consumes a person, their family, and friends.

I was glad my family was here today; but it just did not seem like Christmas without Lin. I woke up this morning knowing that I had to cook for the family as they were coming over to exchange gifts and take family pictures. Everyone was pairing up this evening as families or couples and posing for their pictures; my love was missing. The work of cooking took my mind off of Lin every now and then, but then again we used to cook together when we had company. I was the chef and she was the sous chef or visa-versa. Most of the time we would get into a tiff because I would tell her she needed to go in and take a shower and she would not listen and then she would be in a panic because everyone was due any minute and she would not have even taken a shower...how I miss those times.

Lori and Eric gave me a great gift for Christmas, it is the "American Idol, Wii" game. We all sang karaoke tonight and got critiqued by Simon, Paula and "The Dog". I actually won the competition between Erin, Alex, Art and I. Dora, Marti, Art (replaced by Erin) and I all played Rumicube tonight as well. Eric and Lori left early to get baby Corban to bed. Kandi, Don and Jonathan left shortly after dinner to head back to Devine (small town south of San Antonio). We all talked about the New Year's party that Lin and I hosted several years back. Lin had bought me karaoke machine as a Christmas gift. We used it that night and my brother-in-law, Ray sang Madonna, "Like a Virgin"! You have to understand that Ray is now ~72 years old and a real country type of a guy. We all laughed at the memory of Ray belting out that song after drinking a little liquid courage.

Lin got me. She knew me better than I knew myself. We had both been single for over four years each when we met. She was a breathe of fresh air. She was light hearted and I was serious. We were complete opposites. She often helped me to see things differently. She forced me to think twice. She made me a better person.

I went by Lin's grave yesterday and left her a dozen roses. They had already removed the Christmas ornament that I had left two weeks before. I had found a glass ornament in the shape of a surfboard; it had a scene of a beach painted on it. An oriental lady was there visiting a relative and singing Christmas songs in her native language. If Lin was present, I am sure she would have been asking for ear plugs.

Lin left me the best gift that she could have ever given me. I was walking around the house and looking for small trinkets that belonged to Lin as I was preparing a package for her youngest nephews with whom we had spent some time this summer on our vacation. I looked in a drawer and I found a small spiral; it was her Gratitude book. I had no idea that she had written in one. As it was near the back door, I would have to guess that she used to write in it when she went out on the patio to sit. She used to sit out there for hours at a time. Below I have exerted what she wrote, there is no date, nonetheless, it is the best gift that I have ever received from anyone:

"Roni -
I am so grateful for her love, support and encouragement. She has always told me and made me feel that I am a very intelligent, strong, good and caring person. She has always been there for me through all my illnesses, Hep-C, cancer treatments and operations and has helped me try to stay strong and positive which I have struggled with. She is an amazing person. No matter what adversities come our way, she always finds the positive in the situation. I really admire her and wish... and I am trying to be more like her in many ways. I fell in love with her because I believe we are soul mates and I think she is a very special person. I thank God for bringing such a kind person into my live. I also ask God to look over her and protect her every day, to provide her with lots of love, health and happiness. Roni really loves me unconditionally and I know I have been a pain in the ass at times and feel bad for that. I want to bring her as much support and happiness as she brought me. I love Roni so much. She is and Angel that God sent. What a gift from God."

Lin was my angel. She changed my life. Rest in peace my love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESOVrc4K3CQ&feature=related
Bon Jovi - Thank You For Loving Me
It's hard for me to say the things I want to say sometimes
There's no one here but you and me
And that broken old street light
Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Chorus:
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue
Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies

Chorus:
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

Solo

Lock the doors
We'll leave the world outside
All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Chorus:
Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
You parted my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me

One Step Forward - Two Steps Back

It will be seven weeks tomorrow that Lin passed away. Amazing that the most we had ever been apart was 4 days because I was traveling for business. She was diagnosed with ureter cancer February 2007, she fought a valiant battle with that disease for 20 months. It was not long after she was diagnosed that we were driving down road and talking about life in general. We were talking about death, like it would not visit our door. I surmised that some people had it hard because life goes on without you. Roads will be developed, houses will be bought and sold, babies will be born, people will laugh and celebrate while other will cry and all that will happen whether we are here or not.

What I didn't know then was that it was a very profound statement. When Lin passed away, I will be honest, sometimes I did not shower for days. It was not long ago that I was watching HBO and "P.S. I Love You" came on; I think they secretly recorded me. The girl's family did an intervention and cleaned her house. They asked her what was wrong with her face and she said she had a zit; her mother told her she should shower more often. My sister Marti said the same thing to me about my unexpected zits! Before and during the cancer battle, I used to live on 4-5 hours of sleep a night. At the height of my misery, not that I am out of the woods yet, but now, 10-12 hours doesn't seem to be enough.

I am struggling now that I am back at work. I have trouble concentrating on anything for too long and my sleep patterns are all screwed up. I still wake up at 1:30 every night, that is if I go to bed before then. Now that I have to wake up and attend 8am meetings, it has been sheer hell and caffeine that have got me through the day. The only positive thing that has come of all this has been the loss of 12 pounds.

I went to my friends' house JB and Sarah a couple of weeks ago. We met at Sarah's restaurant, http://www.angelsicehouse.com/ for lunch. I had the best Bloody Mary (uh - plural) that I have ever had and enjoyed some excellent chicken wings! I knew I was in Austin, cause you can take your dog here and there is even a menu for the mutts, kids too. Anyway, we had a good time there and then went to their house and watched a movie. I stayed the night, as they live near Egypt. We were talking about dancing and all kinds of things.

Talking about dancing got me thinking that night that it was not helping me to see all of Lin's clothes in the closet, bathroom and drawers every day that I would get dressed. I was thinking about two steps forward, one step back, repeating dance steps... As I looked around the bedroom at the girl's house, it was void of all things personal related to Lin or me and I convinced myself that I was ready to take a giant step forward.

I returned home Monday evening after spending most of the day with Sarah shopping. I started to go through the chest of drawers in the bedroom. I spent the whole week pulling out clothes, looking at them, deciding what to keep, what to throw away, what to give away to friends and family and what to donate. The girl had an enormous amount of clothes and shoes!!! Every time that I gave something away or as I watched Marti drive away with bags filled with clothes for the Women's Shelter; I felt that familiar stab in the chest feeling. My chest would get tight, I would feel a big lump in my throat and I felt like I was betraying Lin because now someone other than her would be wearing her clothes.

We buried Lin on my birthday, by chance. When were at the funeral home, I did not even know it was Nov 5. that we had chosen until Marti told me. With the in-laws nipping at my heels wanting to go home ASAP, I really had little choice. As I was cleaning out all of Lin's clothes, I kept wondering if I would find a little hidden or stashed present somewhere. Maybe she had asked someone to get me something... I would scour her pockets and look in all the boxes, drawers. I was looking for something, don't know what, but something. I only succeeded in disappointing myself. Later I thought about... if I did not know it was my birthday and I had all my faculties about me, how could I expect Lin to have remembered when she did not even remember who I was at the end?

When it as all done I could not help but breakdown and think ...two steps back.

Every day gets a little easier, but there is still allot to deal with. I went round and round with the insurance, their "Deliver the Promise" program. It did not matter that I paid them, they accepted my money bi-weekly and took it without question. But the guys at MetLife would not payout because of an internal business policy that said that I had to provide and Affidavit that proved that Lin and I had been in a relationship longer than six months. I explained that my employer did not request such documents of me or any other employee who added their domestic partners, hetro or homo, to their benefits. They did not care. I had to provide them one. How was that possible, I asked? Lin is dead, she cannot sign a freaking piece of paper!! Well, I ended up signing their Affidavit, un-notarized and not signed by Lin just so they would pay. They accepted the paper finally. This, after telling me right after Lin passed that they would pay right around two weeks (+/- a couple of days). Then they "promised" last week that the check was in the mail, FedEx. I asked for a tracking number, they could not give me one, so another week went by. I finally got a payout of the policy. I told their representative that this was not fair treatment as when asked, married hetro couples do not have to provide proof of marriage. I told him that they should change the program name to "Deliver the Lies".

Christmas is fast approaching and I am dreading it. I see everyone getting into the spirit and almost feeling giddy. I saw a young couple today in the parking lot of the bank and they were walking hand in hand, talking about XMAS shopping, laughing and kissing; it made me very sad. I wondered who would buy me power tools this time around or who would know or even ask what I wanted. Lin always got me power tools and gadgets that I wanted. I know it is selfish, but that is what I thought. I was shopping on-line weeks back and even looked at things that Lin would like, only to delete the purchases as Lin would not be here.

Well, Chickle' and Prada moved to Houston several weeks back. Lin would be happy that they ended up in a home where they are loved and wanted. They have been adopted by Eric, Alyssa and Mia. Mia is three years old and has decided that they needed new names, so she called Chickle', Max and Prada is now Ruby. Chickle' has taken to his new name, but Prada is another story, she was always somewhat snobbish, thus the name. They are adjusting well. Max allows Mia to do anything she wants with him and Ruby, aka Prada, has adopted Alyssa.

When Lin was in her last days, I used to go into our bedroom and lay with her on the hospital bed and listen to Sade. She introduced me to her music when we met. Today I turned on my system at work and wanted to listen to some music and Sade came on ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sAPO1CyDJ4&feature=related
Sade
By Your Side

you think i'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
i wouldn't do that
i'll tell you you're right when you want
ha ah ah ah ah ah
and if only you could see into me
oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
when you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in
i will show you you're so much better than you know
when you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again
i will find you darling and i will bring you home
and if you want to cry
i am here to dry your eyes
and in no time
you'll be fine
you think i'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
i wouldn't do that
i'll tell you you're right when you wrong
ha ah ah ah ah ah
and if only you could see into me
oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
when you're low
i'll be thereby your side baby
oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
oh when you're low
i'll be there
by your side baby

Thank You Kandi!

I forgot to thank Kandi for all her hard work! She ran a 26 MILE marathon on November 15 and told us that Lin served as her inspiration. She ran with a picture of Lin pinned to her shirt. She told me that at one point, she was in pain, but felt for Lin's picture and thought if Lin endured the pain that she did in dealing with cancer, then she could force herself to push on as well.

Kandi - you are truly a one-of-a-kind sister! Marti and I have started...started...to talk about getting ready for the marathon for next year. You are a great example and inspiration to us all as well.

No time to say good-bye.

I was getting dressed the other day; I am still not able to sleep nights despite taking Ambien. As I sat on the bed and started to put on my socks, I remembered how Lin used to get out of bed and sit next to me and talk to me about her plans for the day, ask me about mine. For a moment, time stood still. This is the fourth Friday anniversary of her death. I miss her pleasant quiet voice in the mornings saying good morning; her thoughtfulness to get out of bed even though she did not have to in order to make me coffee for my drive to work. I miss her cuddling up next to me in the mornings and asking me to stay in bed five more minutes. There will never be enough time to say goodbye to your loved one. Worship every moment that you get; make the most of it.

The Friday she died time stood still. I don't know if that happens in order for a person to process everything that is going on or if it just happens because your brain cannot comprehend just what is happening around you. I remember the talking in the background, music playing, the smell of coffee in the air. I heard birds chirping outside and the sound of a car as it drove by. I remember her mom holding a tissue in her hand and turning it over and over, just fiddling with it. Mostly, I remember the rhythmic sounds of Lin's breathing and my anticipation of her next breathe. Have you ever watched a movie and someone is holding their breathe as they are going to dive into water or something of that nature and you find yourself holding your breathe as well with them? I could not hold my breathe, I did not understand how Lin continued to breathe over and over again. I remember the moment that Bonnie shook her head to indicate that Lin had died. I would have gladly given my life for hers at that moment. It all comes back to me, frame by frame.

The pain has not diminished. There are days when life is normal; I laugh and I remember my love for Lin and hers for me. I remember her laughing; I smell someone smoking a cigarette and think of her. I used to loathe the smell. I remember that her favorite Christmas movies were "A Christmas Story" and "The Grinch That Stole Christmas", the Jim Carey version and I smile. Then there are the moments that I am cleaning the kitchen sink or reminding myself that I need to take a shower and I feel a stabbing pain in my chest, breathing becomes hard; I fall apart. I remember how she loved me in her own ways and I fall apart again, for no reason again. I want to throw myself on the floor and writhe in the pain as if it will bring her back again. I believed in her love; our love; the love we gave each other. I know I will not ever love anyone that way again; the we loved one another, our world together; I know I almost touched heaven. Once you feel a love so real and lose love is to know that you will never feel it the same way again.

I was not ready to say good-bye to Lin. No matter how many times the nurses told me that she would pass away any time; I guess I just did not want to hear it. I did not have the conversations with Lin that I needed to. I did not say what I needed to say. We were both too scared to talk about death and dying and the inevitable loss that I would experience when she was gone. I think she did not want to cause me any more pain than what I was already feeling and I did not want to burden her with more pain than the physical pain that she was already feeling. Instead, I was falling in love with her all over again I wanted to court her; I wanted to tell her I had a crush on her; that she was cute; I did not want to talk to her about funerals, possessions and the ache that I felt in my heart, the inevitable pain of loneliness that would take me over today, yesterday, tomorrow. I wanted to talk about the magic of the love that I felt in my heart the moment I saw the child in her eyes but she was regressing and was slowly forgetting me. I was losing her slowly each day. I wanted to say good-bye but could not find the words or the right time. I had stupidly put my head above my heart.

Alex and I went by her grave today and left her roses and rose pedals. We talked to Lin of our Thanksgiving dinner together. We shared with her the prayer that we had asked God the evening before. I asked God to take Lin and into his hands, touch her heart, her wings and allow us to feel her presence; that we may know she and others that had passed on before her were now in a better place.

My feelings are all over the place today and I am sure that I am not making much sense today. There are so many things that I would do all over again, much differently. There are many others that I would not change as I would not have otherwise met or known Lin, felt her love. I appreciate the pain at times as it makes the feelings of love go that much deeper. There are hours when they seem they will last forever and I never want to feel that pain again, but then I remember the minutes like our sitting on the bed as I put on my socks and wish they would never have ended.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3D2DDxD1m0&feature=related

Celine Dion
Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me