Transition is not just another word

According to Encarta Dictionary , transition is a process or period in which something undergoes a change and passes from one state, stage, form, or activity to another. We, all people, are always in a a transition state. For Lin it is a bit more obvious, now.


I can't believe that last night she was awake and talking to us just like any other day in the past. She was more of a comedian that she has ever been, really funny. Yesterday, she slept from noon to 7:30pm, no one had to prod her to take a nap as in the past, which is usually the case.


I awoke this morning to the sound of her voice calling me to take her to the bathroom. We did our normal routine. I left her to do her business and walked to the front door to let in the sunshine. The season has transformed from summer to autumn, with gloomy skies and cold air blowing. I closed the door rapidly and went back to check on Lin, she looked different somehow.


Alyssa, my niece, came down from Houston to help us as Dora had to go out of town. Alyssa came in the room and helped me to get Lin in her w/chair. Lin had a small yogurt and her pain pills. She asked to be taken outside to drink her coffee on the patio; she loves the outdooors even now.


When I awoke later in the morning, Lin was already napping on the couch. Allison brought over some "stands" that are made to elevate a bed. We put them under the couch legs and now we can put her on the couch to nap anytime she pleases without issue. She napped until noon. I woke her up enough to give her some more pain medication and she again asked to go outside. She lasted only a few minutes, before she fell asleep again. She napped until 7pm when our good friends Jacque and Sarah came by to bring dinner (Thank You!). Lin was very happy to see Jacque as she had not seen her in a while. She even made a wise crack about her coming all the way from South Austin to see her. We dressed her warmly as she again wanted to go outside. Once she came back in 10 minutes later, she passed out again. She has been sleeping soundly since.


I have to admit that I have not been totally honest here as up to now Lin has been reading the blog. The RN told us yesterday that Lin's body is shutting down. She is not getting much circulation in her legs. Her blood pressure has been high for at least 5 days; prior it had been borderline, it was 140/80 today. Her pulse has been hovering around 104 - 123. The tumors on the head have grown to golf ball size and a little larger. Her heart is working hard to keep her alive.


We will be grateful if she makes it past this week; however, we will be thankful to see an end to her pain. It is hard to want her out of pain as this means that her body will no longer be part of this world, our world, my world. I have lost many people in my life, my Grandma when I was 10, Wally when I was 23, Grandpa earlier that same year, my Uncle Manual a couple of years later and my Dad when I was 36. These were people who were in my life daily for many years. I have only been with Lin, known her for 9 years, however, it seems like a lifetime. I cannot fathom what is to come next.

As I sit in the office, it overlooks the pool and the backyard. I wondered earlier how I will manage. She is the one that maintained the pool daily and watered her beloved potted plants, there must be 50 of them. She usually talked me into building her a "temporary" green house each year around this time. Each day when I would come home from work she would be outside with her dogs, stereo playing some type of rock music and she would have a water hose in hand, watering plants, putting water in the pool or cleaning leaves from around the patio, or just sitting talking on the phone with her sister Marlene or mother Julie.


Earlier this week Lin, Julie and I spoke about funeral arrangements. She wants to be cremated. We all found an urn on-line, it is so her. Blue with silver seagulls flying home. The larger one will stay in Austin, and a smaller replica will go with her mother to buried with her father in Canada. Martie has been so helpful, she is checking into funeral homes and the likes for me.


When my grandma died, I felt a great sense of loss for many years. She was my rock, my port in a storm. I could always go to grandma for help and protection. I laid in bed with Lin today and I was overwhelmed with an even greater sense of loss as she is my best friend, confidant, my love; she owns my heart. She has not been with us for several days. There are minutes of clarity but mostly incoherent muttering that is hard to understand. I feel as I have been losing pieces of her with each passing day. Although her body is still present, I think her soul has already started to pass.


In one of her clear moments today she told me that a blue bird keeps coming to visit her when she is outside. She says that it is her dad coming to be with her. I told her that she should fly away with her dad if that is what she feels. I think she is waiting for her sister to come back tomorrow from Canada, to say goodbye.


I have the baby monitor in the office with me so I can write tonight. I can hear the oxygen machine humming, the sounds of the ocean and seagulls from a CD and I can hear her gasp for air about every thirty seconds.


I heard this song earlier today and thought of Lin (Artist : Tim McGraw Title : Live Like You Were Dying)

He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.