Lin did not request to go outside or to leave her bed on Thursday. Everything seemed different somehow, but I could not put a finger on it. I stayed close by all day.
Wednesday, as she rested on the couch, she called me. Lin asked me to find her journal. I suggested that I get her a recorder that I had bought her as she had difficulty holding on to objects. I brought her the most recent journal I found nearby. She asked me to start reading it to her, from the beginning. As I read her thoughts, I kept thinking, how do you live with someone for eight years and not know what she was thinking, how she felt about things, what was on her mind? I got to know her more intimately and read to her until she fell asleep. Before she fell asleep, I asked her if the reading was for her or more for my benefit, she raised an eyebrow. I placed the journal back on the shelf.
There was something different about Thursday. I was anxious; there was something that was gnawing at my thoughts. I was forgetful all day. I found myself at the edge of angry and sad all at the same time.
Marti and Erin helped me on this night. Lin would not un-grit her teeth to take in meds. She would not swallow and instead spit them out. She knew more than all of us. Erin and I crushed some of her meds (spoke to Bonnie, her RN) and mixed them with the liquid morphine to try to make it easier for her. We even tried to get her to take some yogurt with a capsule emptied into it; she was having difficulty swallowing .... a mistake on my behalf. This meant that we would have to move her to administer the drugs rectally; cause her more pain. We finally got her settled and sleeping.
For some reason or another I could not sleep. I thought I would stay up reading a novel. I moved my office chair to her bedside and placed an ottoman in front of me. I grabbed hold of her hand and read. Around 2am, I thought the better of it and retrieved the journal and began reading it. I continued to hold her hand as I sat with her, maintaining contact as much as possible. I saw myself through her eyes and read of what she thought of me. She loved me, I was her best friend. I read her intiment thoughts and I felt like I was invading; however, grew to love her more intensely than before. In her writing, I felt her trust, her love of many things, her weaknesses, her vunerabilities, and her anguish and fear of the cancer.
I went to the futon to sleep, but could only toss and turn. I was falling asleep when thought I had heard Lin call out "Minnie Min", one of her pet names for me. The memories of times that we spent together started to pour into my head and the thought that we would not be able to make new memories filled my mind; my heart exploded into a million tiny pieces. No matter what I tried, there were now holes in my heart that could not be filled. I began to shake uncontrollably, I lost command of my body. I did not want Lin to hear me but there were noises coming from my mouth that I did not recognize, I was now in agony. I wept as quietly as I could, however, without restrain. I could not sleep; I moved back to the chair and took hold of her hand once more.
I don't know exactly when, but I fell to sleep in the chair (I know it was after 5:30 as I had continued to read). I awoke abruptly around 8am as I noticed a change in her breathing. She was taking quick short breathes followed by breaks with no breathing. She had done this before, but this was different. I was scared. I called Bonnie, her RN.
Bonnie arrived quickly. By this I time, I had summoned her mother and sister and called a couple of her and my friends. I continued to hold her hand. Her hands had started to grow cold, lose color; her nails had turned a pale yellow and her fingers looked like they were bruised in the knuckles. I knew this was a sign of her body shutting down, but was hoping against all odds that it was not true.
I stayed by her side, watching and counting breathes. Four breathes, count to 21 and then four breathes, count to 21...I continued to count. Marlene left the room. Bonnie was talking and I was interacting, sometimes. Four breathes, count to 21... four breathes, count to 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31; I looked at Bonnie. This cannot be true! I looked at Lin and then back to Bonnie; I closed my eyes and looked to her Mother. Lin was not going to breathe ever again...! I was screaming inside. Every nerve in my being, hurt. My broken heart shattered once again. The person that had been weeping uncontrollably on the futon the night before was now embracing Lin and weeping without restraint or care. This person could not be me. I have a wife, she is going to walk in any minute and tell me it is all a mistake, a big joke. It was not to be.
The love of my life was pronounced at 9:30 am, October 31, 2008. She never awoke from her slumber; I pray she was not in pain.
Lin chose to be cremated. So the nurses aid, Marc and I began to prepare her for viewing in the home by friends and family. We washed her body, her hair, and we dressed her in blue, her favorite color. I blow dried her hair the way she liked it. Family and close friends came in to pay their respects.
We had started to play a satellite radio station on the TV on Wednesday and kept it playing non-stop as Lin loved a room filled with music. I don't know if it was coincidence, but when allot of my friends, that happen to work for the same company that I do came in the room, the song "Live Like You Were Dying" came on. Lin often told me that my friends and I devoted way too much time to "the company" and not to ourselves and families; how apropos.
Last night I spent the night at my friends' house, Jacque and Sarah; I could not stay in our house. We met Marti, Marlene and her Mom today at Remembrance Gardens at Riverbend. We went to pick a plot for Lin ... and me. Afterward we went to Beck Funeral Home to make cremation arrangements and to view her one last time.
This all seems surreal. Although I know that she is no longer with us; it does not ring true to me. I keep expecting to hear her call me, to hear her laugh, to hear her talk sweetly to me, only to find she is talking to the dogs, anything! I look around the room and expect to see her walking around corner at any time. I keep looking at pictures willing her back to life, to no avail; she is not coming back.
Slipped Away - Avril Lavigne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoJhLQrNKP8&feature=related
I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.
[Chorus]The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly
[Chorus]The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back
I miss you.
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