It is hard for me to believe that it has been 10 days since Lin passed away and 5 days since we placed her ashes at her grave site. So much has happened since then and yet nothing that has had the significance or impact of those two events. The nights are the worst; they crawl slowly past. I watch old movies, new movies, movies that we watched together, and some she would never watch (she disliked foreign films with subtitles). I read newspapers, books, bibles, and browse through what seems to be endless Internet sites. I don't know what it is that I will find or for what I search; but I have yet to find it.
I feel like I am living inside of a fish tank. The people on the outside are living, breathing, conversing and going about their day, their existence. I cannot jump out; I cannot communicate; I cannot join them in their lives...I only swim in my little box and watch life happen around me.
I have experienced guilt, remorse, regret, anger, anguish, and emptiness, sometimes all at once. When I get to the empty part, that does not seem to last long as I go back and start all over again. I look to the day when the cycle will break.
I guess the living have it a little harder after the fact. We have to figure out how to cope with life and continue to move forward. Don't get me wrong, I know Lin was in pain before she died, I do not mean to belittle that one bit. She was the strongest person that I have ever met. I have to hand it to her, if it is one thing that she had; it was the will to live. She out lived every prediction every time, except the last. I wish I possessed her strength, mine seems to have dwindled in time.
The living, the survivors, must deal with all the messiness of our loved one's passing. The legal ramifications are one thing, especially if you are gay. We have to deal with every day things that one does not normally think about. Under whose name is the electric bill? Do you need a death certificate to change the account to your name even if you have been paying the account all along? What about credit cards...if they are not in your name, do you have to pay them? You better talk to your lawyer...that one is an "if" statement. I found out this weekend we ( I guess this now means me and the dogs now) are low on propane. I don't know who to call or how long it will take get the tank filled. The pool needs tending, how much muratic acid do I put in there and when? Oh, yeah I almost forgot, that I have to hook up a hose and do something else to it, but I will be damned if I can remember.
I did laundry today. This was a first in years. Lin took very good care of me. I brought home the bacon; she took care of the household and us. I feel lucky that I did not end up with anything pink. Grocery shopping...I had started doing the shopping a while back as her stamina had decreased, problem is that I keep thinking of her favorite items and brands when I shop.
I know that I will have to go through all of Lin's things sometime. I was forced to start the process when her family was here. When I mention the gay and the legal thing; do yourself a favor and get a will, you can thank me later. Everyone gets highly emotional and not everyone will think rationally. The will can be of help, especially if you are the person leaving the will. Do not leave it up to your executor to decide who gets what; write it down, use a recorder, video tape it, do anything that will make it clear what your wishes and intentions are. You loved ones will thank you and sing your praises.
I don't know what an appropriate time is to "clean house" sort of speak. I guess that it comes with time. I will know when I am ready. I am still in the looking at pictures and remembering the past phase, if there is such a thing. There are so many things to do, but I cannot bring myself to do some of them. Allison reminded me the other day that I need to do the necessary things such as paying the electric bill, etc. She even sent me a list of things to do today. Whatever would I do without such friends? (Yes, Allison I made all the appointments! I go to the doctor tomorrow morning.) (Genny that was for you too!)
It is so easy to forget about yourself when you are caring for others. Their needs are greater and immediate so you put yours to the back burner. You must be careful, however, only a couple of pots fit on the stove; you can lose track of what you have on the fire.
My thoughts do not seam to be streaming rationally. I feel like I know what it is like to have ADD. I cannot concentrate on anything too long. In the time that it has taken me to write this, I have folded two loads of wash, gone through a pile of bills, insurance papers and social security stuff that I have to deal with. Sometimes I just stare into space, not a thought in mind, just observation of what is going on about me (I call it the fish tank stare). Can you deposit a check if it is made to a deceased person? Need to add the bank to my to do list.
I am sure that life will go back to normal, whatever new standard that may be, sometime in the future. For now, I go to bed after 5:30am (I used to give Lin meds throughout the night and wake to tend to her needs on a schedule). If I can get to sleep with aid of a sleeping pill then I find that I wake every hour until I finally give up and just lay in bed; on those days I am awake by 5:30am, but just lay int bed. Some days I just do not want to get out of bed, but force myself to at least get dressed and move about the house. I know have to get back into a normal schedule as work will soon be very demanding.
Lin and I are walking down different paths; we are worlds apart. I always thought we would grow old together and walk hand in hand down the beach, her other love. For now, she will get to enjoy the surf and sea on her own and wait until I can catch up to her in the future.
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