It will be seven weeks tomorrow that Lin passed away. Amazing that the most we had ever been apart was 4 days because I was traveling for business. She was diagnosed with ureter cancer February 2007, she fought a valiant battle with that disease for 20 months. It was not long after she was diagnosed that we were driving down road and talking about life in general. We were talking about death, like it would not visit our door. I surmised that some people had it hard because life goes on without you. Roads will be developed, houses will be bought and sold, babies will be born, people will laugh and celebrate while other will cry and all that will happen whether we are here or not.
What I didn't know then was that it was a very profound statement. When Lin passed away, I will be honest, sometimes I did not shower for days. It was not long ago that I was watching HBO and "P.S. I Love You" came on; I think they secretly recorded me. The girl's family did an intervention and cleaned her house. They asked her what was wrong with her face and she said she had a zit; her mother told her she should shower more often. My sister Marti said the same thing to me about my unexpected zits! Before and during the cancer battle, I used to live on 4-5 hours of sleep a night. At the height of my misery, not that I am out of the woods yet, but now, 10-12 hours doesn't seem to be enough.
I am struggling now that I am back at work. I have trouble concentrating on anything for too long and my sleep patterns are all screwed up. I still wake up at 1:30 every night, that is if I go to bed before then. Now that I have to wake up and attend 8am meetings, it has been sheer hell and caffeine that have got me through the day. The only positive thing that has come of all this has been the loss of 12 pounds.
I went to my friends' house JB and Sarah a couple of weeks ago. We met at Sarah's restaurant, http://www.angelsicehouse.com/ for lunch. I had the best Bloody Mary (uh - plural) that I have ever had and enjoyed some excellent chicken wings! I knew I was in Austin, cause you can take your dog here and there is even a menu for the mutts, kids too. Anyway, we had a good time there and then went to their house and watched a movie. I stayed the night, as they live near Egypt. We were talking about dancing and all kinds of things.
Talking about dancing got me thinking that night that it was not helping me to see all of Lin's clothes in the closet, bathroom and drawers every day that I would get dressed. I was thinking about two steps forward, one step back, repeating dance steps... As I looked around the bedroom at the girl's house, it was void of all things personal related to Lin or me and I convinced myself that I was ready to take a giant step forward.
I returned home Monday evening after spending most of the day with Sarah shopping. I started to go through the chest of drawers in the bedroom. I spent the whole week pulling out clothes, looking at them, deciding what to keep, what to throw away, what to give away to friends and family and what to donate. The girl had an enormous amount of clothes and shoes!!! Every time that I gave something away or as I watched Marti drive away with bags filled with clothes for the Women's Shelter; I felt that familiar stab in the chest feeling. My chest would get tight, I would feel a big lump in my throat and I felt like I was betraying Lin because now someone other than her would be wearing her clothes.
We buried Lin on my birthday, by chance. When were at the funeral home, I did not even know it was Nov 5. that we had chosen until Marti told me. With the in-laws nipping at my heels wanting to go home ASAP, I really had little choice. As I was cleaning out all of Lin's clothes, I kept wondering if I would find a little hidden or stashed present somewhere. Maybe she had asked someone to get me something... I would scour her pockets and look in all the boxes, drawers. I was looking for something, don't know what, but something. I only succeeded in disappointing myself. Later I thought about... if I did not know it was my birthday and I had all my faculties about me, how could I expect Lin to have remembered when she did not even remember who I was at the end?
When it as all done I could not help but breakdown and think ...two steps back.
Every day gets a little easier, but there is still allot to deal with. I went round and round with the insurance, their "Deliver the Promise" program. It did not matter that I paid them, they accepted my money bi-weekly and took it without question. But the guys at MetLife would not payout because of an internal business policy that said that I had to provide and Affidavit that proved that Lin and I had been in a relationship longer than six months. I explained that my employer did not request such documents of me or any other employee who added their domestic partners, hetro or homo, to their benefits. They did not care. I had to provide them one. How was that possible, I asked? Lin is dead, she cannot sign a freaking piece of paper!! Well, I ended up signing their Affidavit, un-notarized and not signed by Lin just so they would pay. They accepted the paper finally. This, after telling me right after Lin passed that they would pay right around two weeks (+/- a couple of days). Then they "promised" last week that the check was in the mail, FedEx. I asked for a tracking number, they could not give me one, so another week went by. I finally got a payout of the policy. I told their representative that this was not fair treatment as when asked, married hetro couples do not have to provide proof of marriage. I told him that they should change the program name to "Deliver the Lies".
Christmas is fast approaching and I am dreading it. I see everyone getting into the spirit and almost feeling giddy. I saw a young couple today in the parking lot of the bank and they were walking hand in hand, talking about XMAS shopping, laughing and kissing; it made me very sad. I wondered who would buy me power tools this time around or who would know or even ask what I wanted. Lin always got me power tools and gadgets that I wanted. I know it is selfish, but that is what I thought. I was shopping on-line weeks back and even looked at things that Lin would like, only to delete the purchases as Lin would not be here.
Well, Chickle' and Prada moved to Houston several weeks back. Lin would be happy that they ended up in a home where they are loved and wanted. They have been adopted by Eric, Alyssa and Mia. Mia is three years old and has decided that they needed new names, so she called Chickle', Max and Prada is now Ruby. Chickle' has taken to his new name, but Prada is another story, she was always somewhat snobbish, thus the name. They are adjusting well. Max allows Mia to do anything she wants with him and Ruby, aka Prada, has adopted Alyssa.
When Lin was in her last days, I used to go into our bedroom and lay with her on the hospital bed and listen to Sade. She introduced me to her music when we met. Today I turned on my system at work and wanted to listen to some music and Sade came on ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sAPO1CyDJ4&feature=related
Sade
By Your Side
you think i'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
i wouldn't do that
i'll tell you you're right when you want
ha ah ah ah ah ah
and if only you could see into me
oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
when you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in
i will show you you're so much better than you know
when you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again
i will find you darling and i will bring you home
and if you want to cry
i am here to dry your eyes
and in no time
you'll be fine
you think i'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
i wouldn't do that
i'll tell you you're right when you wrong
ha ah ah ah ah ah
and if only you could see into me
oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
when you're low
i'll be thereby your side baby
oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
oh when you're low
i'll be there
by your side baby
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thank You Kandi!
I for
got to thank Kandi for all her hard work! She ran a 26 MILE marathon on November 15 and told us that Lin served as her inspiration. She ran with a picture of Lin pinned to her shirt. She told me that at one point, she was in pain, but felt for Lin's picture and thought if Lin endured the pain that she did in dealing with cancer, then she could force herself to push on as well.
got to thank Kandi for all her hard work! She ran a 26 MILE marathon on November 15 and told us that Lin served as her inspiration. She ran with a picture of Lin pinned to her shirt. She told me that at one point, she was in pain, but felt for Lin's picture and thought if Lin endured the pain that she did in dealing with cancer, then she could force herself to push on as well. Kandi - you are truly a one-of-a-kind sister! Marti and I have started...started...to talk about getting ready for the marathon for next year. You are a great example and inspiration to us 
all as well.
all as well. No time to say good-bye.
I was getting dressed the other day; I am still not able to sleep nights despite taking Ambien. As I sat on the bed and started to put on my socks, I remembered how Lin used to get out of bed and sit next to me and talk to me about her plans for the day, ask me about mine. For a moment, time stood still. This is the fourth Friday anniversary of her death. I miss her pleasant quiet voice in the mornings saying good morning; her thoughtfulness to get out of bed even though she did not have to in order to make me coffee for my drive to work. I miss her cuddling up next to me in the mornings and asking me to stay in bed five more minutes. There will never be enough time to say goodbye to your loved one. Worship every moment that you get; make the most of it.
The Friday she died time stood still. I don't know if that happens in order for a person to process everything that is going on or if it just happens because your brain cannot comprehend just what is happening around you. I remember the talking in the background, music playing, the smell of coffee in the air. I heard birds chirping outside and the sound of a car as it drove by. I remember her mom holding a tissue in her hand and turning it over and over, just fiddling with it. Mostly, I remember the rhythmic sounds of Lin's breathing and my anticipation of her next breathe. Have you ever watched a movie and someone is holding their breathe as they are going to dive into water or something of that nature and you find yourself holding your breathe as well with them? I could not hold my breathe, I did not understand how Lin continued to breathe over and over again. I remember the moment that Bonnie shook her head to indicate that Lin had died. I would have gladly given my life for hers at that moment. It all comes back to me, frame by frame.
The pain has not diminished. There are days when life is normal; I laugh and I remember my love for Lin and hers for me. I remember her laughing; I smell someone smoking a cigarette and think of her. I used to loathe the smell. I remember that her favorite Christmas movies were "A Christmas Story" and "The Grinch That Stole Christmas", the Jim Carey version and I smile. Then there are the moments that I am cleaning the kitchen sink or reminding myself that I need to take a shower and I feel a stabbing pain in my chest, breathing becomes hard; I fall apart. I remember how she loved me in her own ways and I fall apart again, for no reason again. I want to throw myself on the floor and writhe in the pain as if it will bring her back again. I believed in her love; our love; the love we gave each other. I know I will not ever love anyone that way again; the we loved one another, our world together; I know I almost touched heaven. Once you feel a love so real and lose love is to know that you will never feel it the same way again.
I was not ready to say good-bye to Lin. No matter how many times the nurses told me that she would pass away any time; I guess I just did not want to hear it. I did not have the conversations with Lin that I needed to. I did not say what I needed to say. We were both too scared to talk about death and dying and the inevitable loss that I would experience when she was gone. I think she did not want to cause me any more pain than what I was already feeling and I did not want to burden her with more pain than the physical pain that she was already feeling. Instead, I was falling in love with her all over again I wanted to court her; I wanted to tell her I had a crush on her; that she was cute; I did not want to talk to her about funerals, possessions and the ache that I felt in my heart, the inevitable pain of loneliness that would take me over today, yesterday, tomorrow. I wanted to talk about the magic of the love that I felt in my heart the moment I saw the child in her eyes but she was regressing and was slowly forgetting me. I was losing her slowly each day. I wanted to say good-bye but could not find the words or the right time. I had stupidly put my head above my heart.
Alex and I went by her grave today and left her roses and rose pedals. We talked to Lin of our Thanksgiving dinner together. We shared with her the prayer that we had asked God the evening before. I asked God to take Lin and into his hands, touch her heart, her wings and allow us to feel her presence; that we may know she and others that had passed on before her were now in a better place.
My feelings are all over the place today and I am sure that I am not making much sense today. There are so many things that I would do all over again, much differently. There are many others that I would not change as I would not have otherwise met or known Lin, felt her love. I appreciate the pain at times as it makes the feelings of love go that much deeper. There are hours when they seem they will last forever and I never want to feel that pain again, but then I remember the minutes like our sitting on the bed as I put on my socks and wish they would never have ended.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3D2DDxD1m0&feature=related
Celine Dion
Because You Loved Me
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
The Friday she died time stood still. I don't know if that happens in order for a person to process everything that is going on or if it just happens because your brain cannot comprehend just what is happening around you. I remember the talking in the background, music playing, the smell of coffee in the air. I heard birds chirping outside and the sound of a car as it drove by. I remember her mom holding a tissue in her hand and turning it over and over, just fiddling with it. Mostly, I remember the rhythmic sounds of Lin's breathing and my anticipation of her next breathe. Have you ever watched a movie and someone is holding their breathe as they are going to dive into water or something of that nature and you find yourself holding your breathe as well with them? I could not hold my breathe, I did not understand how Lin continued to breathe over and over again. I remember the moment that Bonnie shook her head to indicate that Lin had died. I would have gladly given my life for hers at that moment. It all comes back to me, frame by frame.
The pain has not diminished. There are days when life is normal; I laugh and I remember my love for Lin and hers for me. I remember her laughing; I smell someone smoking a cigarette and think of her. I used to loathe the smell. I remember that her favorite Christmas movies were "A Christmas Story" and "The Grinch That Stole Christmas", the Jim Carey version and I smile. Then there are the moments that I am cleaning the kitchen sink or reminding myself that I need to take a shower and I feel a stabbing pain in my chest, breathing becomes hard; I fall apart. I remember how she loved me in her own ways and I fall apart again, for no reason again. I want to throw myself on the floor and writhe in the pain as if it will bring her back again. I believed in her love; our love; the love we gave each other. I know I will not ever love anyone that way again; the we loved one another, our world together; I know I almost touched heaven. Once you feel a love so real and lose love is to know that you will never feel it the same way again.
I was not ready to say good-bye to Lin. No matter how many times the nurses told me that she would pass away any time; I guess I just did not want to hear it. I did not have the conversations with Lin that I needed to. I did not say what I needed to say. We were both too scared to talk about death and dying and the inevitable loss that I would experience when she was gone. I think she did not want to cause me any more pain than what I was already feeling and I did not want to burden her with more pain than the physical pain that she was already feeling. Instead, I was falling in love with her all over again I wanted to court her; I wanted to tell her I had a crush on her; that she was cute; I did not want to talk to her about funerals, possessions and the ache that I felt in my heart, the inevitable pain of loneliness that would take me over today, yesterday, tomorrow. I wanted to talk about the magic of the love that I felt in my heart the moment I saw the child in her eyes but she was regressing and was slowly forgetting me. I was losing her slowly each day. I wanted to say good-bye but could not find the words or the right time. I had stupidly put my head above my heart.
Alex and I went by her grave today and left her roses and rose pedals. We talked to Lin of our Thanksgiving dinner together. We shared with her the prayer that we had asked God the evening before. I asked God to take Lin and into his hands, touch her heart, her wings and allow us to feel her presence; that we may know she and others that had passed on before her were now in a better place.
My feelings are all over the place today and I am sure that I am not making much sense today. There are so many things that I would do all over again, much differently. There are many others that I would not change as I would not have otherwise met or known Lin, felt her love. I appreciate the pain at times as it makes the feelings of love go that much deeper. There are hours when they seem they will last forever and I never want to feel that pain again, but then I remember the minutes like our sitting on the bed as I put on my socks and wish they would never have ended.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3D2DDxD1m0&feature=related
Celine Dion
Because You Loved Me
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
Friday, November 14, 2008
Sleepless in Austin
Have you ever gotten out of bed and felt like crap? You force yourself to jump in the shower, grab a cup of coffee maybe some toast, get in your car and head for the office. The whole time your driving you keep thinking you don't want to talk to anyone, just get to your desk, do some email, work on your projects and basically just get through the day. But the first thing that happens is that you run into cheery Joe, "top of the morning! How are you feeling today?"
Those are the days that I want to just stick my head in the proverbial sand. I know everyone is well intentioned and all, but I find myself in this position allot lately. How are you doing? Well I just lost my spouse permanently, not because she wanted to go, believe me she told me. I just buried her a little under a week ago...blah...blah..blah. How would you respond? I know this will be hard for people to understand but I find myself at a loss for words.
This all still feels surreal. I keep expecting Lin to walk in the door. I pressed the button today to listen to messages and there was her voice. "Hi Honey! Boy this message sounds horrible. You need to rerecord it. Call me!" Makes me want to pick up the phone, however, I don't think the AT&T tower can handle the call.
I went to the dentist Monday as I lost a crown. He convinced me that I needed to come in for a check up as it had been a while. As the dental hygienist was cleaning my teeth, she kept commenting on how well they looked considering. I finally asked her just how long it had been since I had been in; she smiled, 19 months. Right around the time that Lin was first diagnosed with cancer. In the next couple of weeks I will have two root canals and two bridges put in. I had not realized just how much I had neglected myself. No wonder Lin kept reminding me to take better care of myself and not to worry about her.
I went to the lawyer office on Wednesday and spent several hours at the social security office. I found out a little bit about "joint tenancy". I would suggest that you look at your bank accounts and real estate records and find out how they are set up (talk to your lawyer, my interpretation my be incorrect). It is a form of ownership by two or more individuals together. It differs from other types of co-ownership in that the surviving joint tenant immediately becomes the owner of the whole property upon the death of the other joint tenant. This is called a Right of Survivorship. If you do not have this...oh my. There is something called tenancy in common. It is another form of co-ownership. It is the ownership of an asset by two or more individuals together, but without the rights of survivorship that are found in a joint tenancy. Upon the death of one co-owner, his or her interest will not pass to the surviving owner or owners but will pass according to his or will. If there is no will, his or her share will pass according to the law determining heirs. If you are gay, have tenancy in common and do not have a will, your spouse will not have any legal rights! I thank Lin for putting her will together last year!! By the way social security works along the same line, surviving heirs or will; however a gay spouse is not entitled to any death benefits regardless of how much your spouse contributed to the system.
I hope that someone can benefit from what Lin and I have experienced. I never knew death could take such a toll on a person; the dying or the living. I have experienced death in my family before but never knew it so intimately.
I keep reliving the last week of Lin's life. Each time the reel plays in my head I do things differently, but no matter what the movie ends the same. I see different parts of our past, kind of like the chapter breakout on a DVD; I relive those times as well. I get mad at things that I said, that I should have said and for the times that I should have just listened.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWwRb2A9idY
Barbara Streisand
Why Did I Choose You?
Why did I choose you?
What did I see in you?
I saw the heart you hide so well
I saw a quiet "woman" who had a gentle way
A way that caught me in it’s glowing spell
Why did I want you?
What could you offer me?
A love to last a life time through
And when I lost my heart so many years ago,
I lost it lovingly and willingly to you...
If I had to choose again,
I would still choose you...
Those are the days that I want to just stick my head in the proverbial sand. I know everyone is well intentioned and all, but I find myself in this position allot lately. How are you doing? Well I just lost my spouse permanently, not because she wanted to go, believe me she told me. I just buried her a little under a week ago...blah...blah..blah. How would you respond? I know this will be hard for people to understand but I find myself at a loss for words.
This all still feels surreal. I keep expecting Lin to walk in the door. I pressed the button today to listen to messages and there was her voice. "Hi Honey! Boy this message sounds horrible. You need to rerecord it. Call me!" Makes me want to pick up the phone, however, I don't think the AT&T tower can handle the call.
I went to the dentist Monday as I lost a crown. He convinced me that I needed to come in for a check up as it had been a while. As the dental hygienist was cleaning my teeth, she kept commenting on how well they looked considering. I finally asked her just how long it had been since I had been in; she smiled, 19 months. Right around the time that Lin was first diagnosed with cancer. In the next couple of weeks I will have two root canals and two bridges put in. I had not realized just how much I had neglected myself. No wonder Lin kept reminding me to take better care of myself and not to worry about her.
I went to the lawyer office on Wednesday and spent several hours at the social security office. I found out a little bit about "joint tenancy". I would suggest that you look at your bank accounts and real estate records and find out how they are set up (talk to your lawyer, my interpretation my be incorrect). It is a form of ownership by two or more individuals together. It differs from other types of co-ownership in that the surviving joint tenant immediately becomes the owner of the whole property upon the death of the other joint tenant. This is called a Right of Survivorship. If you do not have this...oh my. There is something called tenancy in common. It is another form of co-ownership. It is the ownership of an asset by two or more individuals together, but without the rights of survivorship that are found in a joint tenancy. Upon the death of one co-owner, his or her interest will not pass to the surviving owner or owners but will pass according to his or will. If there is no will, his or her share will pass according to the law determining heirs. If you are gay, have tenancy in common and do not have a will, your spouse will not have any legal rights! I thank Lin for putting her will together last year!! By the way social security works along the same line, surviving heirs or will; however a gay spouse is not entitled to any death benefits regardless of how much your spouse contributed to the system.
I hope that someone can benefit from what Lin and I have experienced. I never knew death could take such a toll on a person; the dying or the living. I have experienced death in my family before but never knew it so intimately.
I keep reliving the last week of Lin's life. Each time the reel plays in my head I do things differently, but no matter what the movie ends the same. I see different parts of our past, kind of like the chapter breakout on a DVD; I relive those times as well. I get mad at things that I said, that I should have said and for the times that I should have just listened.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWwRb2A9idY
Barbara Streisand
Why Did I Choose You?
Why did I choose you?
What did I see in you?
I saw the heart you hide so well
I saw a quiet "woman" who had a gentle way
A way that caught me in it’s glowing spell
Why did I want you?
What could you offer me?
A love to last a life time through
And when I lost my heart so many years ago,
I lost it lovingly and willingly to you...
If I had to choose again,
I would still choose you...
Monday, November 10, 2008
Walking Down a Different Path
It is hard for me to believe that it has been 10 days since Lin passed away and 5 days since we placed her ashes at her grave site. So much has happened since then and yet nothing that has had the significance or impact of those two events. The nights are the worst; they crawl slowly past. I watch old movies, new movies, movies that we watched together, and some she would never watch (she disliked foreign films with subtitles). I read newspapers, books, bibles, and browse through what seems to be endless Internet sites. I don't know what it is that I will find or for what I search; but I have yet to find it.
I feel like I am living inside of a fish tank. The people on the outside are living, breathing, conversing and going about their day, their existence. I cannot jump out; I cannot communicate; I cannot join them in their lives...I only swim in my little box and watch life happen around me.
I have experienced guilt, remorse, regret, anger, anguish, and emptiness, sometimes all at once. When I get to the empty part, that does not seem to last long as I go back and start all over again. I look to the day when the cycle will break.
I guess the living have it a little harder after the fact. We have to figure out how to cope with life and continue to move forward. Don't get me wrong, I know Lin was in pain before she died, I do not mean to belittle that one bit. She was the strongest person that I have ever met. I have to hand it to her, if it is one thing that she had; it was the will to live. She out lived every prediction every time, except the last. I wish I possessed her strength, mine seems to have dwindled in time.
The living, the survivors, must deal with all the messiness of our loved one's passing. The legal ramifications are one thing, especially if you are gay. We have to deal with every day things that one does not normally think about. Under whose name is the electric bill? Do you need a death certificate to change the account to your name even if you have been paying the account all along? What about credit cards...if they are not in your name, do you have to pay them? You better talk to your lawyer...that one is an "if" statement. I found out this weekend we ( I guess this now means me and the dogs now) are low on propane. I don't know who to call or how long it will take get the tank filled. The pool needs tending, how much muratic acid do I put in there and when? Oh, yeah I almost forgot, that I have to hook up a hose and do something else to it, but I will be damned if I can remember.
I did laundry today. This was a first in years. Lin took very good care of me. I brought home the bacon; she took care of the household and us. I feel lucky that I did not end up with anything pink. Grocery shopping...I had started doing the shopping a while back as her stamina had decreased, problem is that I keep thinking of her favorite items and brands when I shop.
I know that I will have to go through all of Lin's things sometime. I was forced to start the process when her family was here. When I mention the gay and the legal thing; do yourself a favor and get a will, you can thank me later. Everyone gets highly emotional and not everyone will think rationally. The will can be of help, especially if you are the person leaving the will. Do not leave it up to your executor to decide who gets what; write it down, use a recorder, video tape it, do anything that will make it clear what your wishes and intentions are. You loved ones will thank you and sing your praises.
I don't know what an appropriate time is to "clean house" sort of speak. I guess that it comes with time. I will know when I am ready. I am still in the looking at pictures and remembering the past phase, if there is such a thing. There are so many things to do, but I cannot bring myself to do some of them. Allison reminded me the other day that I need to do the necessary things such as paying the electric bill, etc. She even sent me a list of things to do today. Whatever would I do without such friends? (Yes, Allison I made all the appointments! I go to the doctor tomorrow morning.) (Genny that was for you too!)
It is so easy to forget about yourself when you are caring for others. Their needs are greater and immediate so you put yours to the back burner. You must be careful, however, only a couple of pots fit on the stove; you can lose track of what you have on the fire.
My thoughts do not seam to be streaming rationally. I feel like I know what it is like to have ADD. I cannot concentrate on anything too long. In the time that it has taken me to write this, I have folded two loads of wash, gone through a pile of bills, insurance papers and social security stuff that I have to deal with. Sometimes I just stare into space, not a thought in mind, just observation of what is going on about me (I call it the fish tank stare). Can you deposit a check if it is made to a deceased person? Need to add the bank to my to do list.
I am sure that life will go back to normal, whatever new standard that may be, sometime in the future. For now, I go to bed after 5:30am (I used to give Lin meds throughout the night and wake to tend to her needs on a schedule). If I can get to sleep with aid of a sleeping pill then I find that I wake every hour until I finally give up and just lay in bed; on those days I am awake by 5:30am, but just lay int bed. Some days I just do not want to get out of bed, but force myself to at least get dressed and move about the house. I know have to get back into a normal schedule as work will soon be very demanding.
Lin and I are walking down different paths; we are worlds apart. I always thought we would grow old together and walk hand in hand down the beach, her other love. For now, she will get to enjoy the surf and sea on her own and wait until I can catch up to her in the future.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
On-Line memorial tribute to Lin
I have created an on-line memorial tribute to Lin. You can find it at this address: http://www.theeternalportal.com/tributes/linda-poulin/
Please feel free to share your memories or condolences. You will be able to light a virtual candle and send a virtual flower as well.
Update:
Family and friends will meet at Beck Funeral Home at 15709 Ranch Road 620 for an escorted procession to Remembrance Gardens. The procession will leave Beck Funeral Home no later than 10:30 am, November 5, 2008.
In lieu of flowers, the family requests with gratitude that memorial contributions be directed to Asera Care Hospice at 1212 Palm Valley Blvd., Round Rock, TX 78664 in memory of Lin Poulin.
Please feel free to share your memories or condolences. You will be able to light a virtual candle and send a virtual flower as well.
Update:
Family and friends will meet at Beck Funeral Home at 15709 Ranch Road 620 for an escorted procession to Remembrance Gardens. The procession will leave Beck Funeral Home no later than 10:30 am, November 5, 2008.
In lieu of flowers, the family requests with gratitude that memorial contributions be directed to Asera Care Hospice at 1212 Palm Valley Blvd., Round Rock, TX 78664 in memory of Lin Poulin.
Celebration of life
A memorial service will be held at eleven o’clock in the morning on Wednesday, the fifth of November at Remembrance Gardens at Riverbend, at 4214 Capital of Texas Highway in Austin. Family and friends will meet at Beck Funeral Home at 15709 Ranch Road 620, by 1015am for escorted procession to Remembrance Gardens. In lieu of flowers, the family requests with gratitude, that memorial contributions be directed to Asera Care Hospice 1212 Palm Valley Blvd., Round Rock, TX 78664 in memory of Lin Poulin.
I MISS YOU
Lin did not request to go outside or to leave her bed on Thursday. Everything seemed different somehow, but I could not put a finger on it. I stayed close by all day.
Wednesday, as she rested on the couch, she called me. Lin asked me to find her journal. I suggested that I get her a recorder that I had bought her as she had difficulty holding on to objects. I brought her the most recent journal I found nearby. She asked me to start reading it to her, from the beginning. As I read her thoughts, I kept thinking, how do you live with someone for eight years and not know what she was thinking, how she felt about things, what was on her mind? I got to know her more intimately and read to her until she fell asleep. Before she fell asleep, I asked her if the reading was for her or more for my benefit, she raised an eyebrow. I placed the journal back on the shelf.
There was something different about Thursday. I was anxious; there was something that was gnawing at my thoughts. I was forgetful all day. I found myself at the edge of angry and sad all at the same time.
Marti and Erin helped me on this night. Lin would not un-grit her teeth to take in meds. She would not swallow and instead spit them out. She knew more than all of us. Erin and I crushed some of her meds (spoke to Bonnie, her RN) and mixed them with the liquid morphine to try to make it easier for her. We even tried to get her to take some yogurt with a capsule emptied into it; she was having difficulty swallowing .... a mistake on my behalf. This meant that we would have to move her to administer the drugs rectally; cause her more pain. We finally got her settled and sleeping.
For some reason or another I could not sleep. I thought I would stay up reading a novel. I moved my office chair to her bedside and placed an ottoman in front of me. I grabbed hold of her hand and read. Around 2am, I thought the better of it and retrieved the journal and began reading it. I continued to hold her hand as I sat with her, maintaining contact as much as possible. I saw myself through her eyes and read of what she thought of me. She loved me, I was her best friend. I read her intiment thoughts and I felt like I was invading; however, grew to love her more intensely than before. In her writing, I felt her trust, her love of many things, her weaknesses, her vunerabilities, and her anguish and fear of the cancer.
I went to the futon to sleep, but could only toss and turn. I was falling asleep when thought I had heard Lin call out "Minnie Min", one of her pet names for me. The memories of times that we spent together started to pour into my head and the thought that we would not be able to make new memories filled my mind; my heart exploded into a million tiny pieces. No matter what I tried, there were now holes in my heart that could not be filled. I began to shake uncontrollably, I lost command of my body. I did not want Lin to hear me but there were noises coming from my mouth that I did not recognize, I was now in agony. I wept as quietly as I could, however, without restrain. I could not sleep; I moved back to the chair and took hold of her hand once more.
I don't know exactly when, but I fell to sleep in the chair (I know it was after 5:30 as I had continued to read). I awoke abruptly around 8am as I noticed a change in her breathing. She was taking quick short breathes followed by breaks with no breathing. She had done this before, but this was different. I was scared. I called Bonnie, her RN.
Bonnie arrived quickly. By this I time, I had summoned her mother and sister and called a couple of her and my friends. I continued to hold her hand. Her hands had started to grow cold, lose color; her nails had turned a pale yellow and her fingers looked like they were bruised in the knuckles. I knew this was a sign of her body shutting down, but was hoping against all odds that it was not true.
I stayed by her side, watching and counting breathes. Four breathes, count to 21 and then four breathes, count to 21...I continued to count. Marlene left the room. Bonnie was talking and I was interacting, sometimes. Four breathes, count to 21... four breathes, count to 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31; I looked at Bonnie. This cannot be true! I looked at Lin and then back to Bonnie; I closed my eyes and looked to her Mother. Lin was not going to breathe ever again...! I was screaming inside. Every nerve in my being, hurt. My broken heart shattered once again. The person that had been weeping uncontrollably on the futon the night before was now embracing Lin and weeping without restraint or care. This person could not be me. I have a wife, she is going to walk in any minute and tell me it is all a mistake, a big joke. It was not to be.
The love of my life was pronounced at 9:30 am, October 31, 2008. She never awoke from her slumber; I pray she was not in pain.
Lin chose to be cremated. So the nurses aid, Marc and I began to prepare her for viewing in the home by friends and family. We washed her body, her hair, and we dressed her in blue, her favorite color. I blow dried her hair the way she liked it. Family and close friends came in to pay their respects.
We had started to play a satellite radio station on the TV on Wednesday and kept it playing non-stop as Lin loved a room filled with music. I don't know if it was coincidence, but when allot of my friends, that happen to work for the same company that I do came in the room, the song "Live Like You Were Dying" came on. Lin often told me that my friends and I devoted way too much time to "the company" and not to ourselves and families; how apropos.
Last night I spent the night at my friends' house, Jacque and Sarah; I could not stay in our house. We met Marti, Marlene and her Mom today at Remembrance Gardens at Riverbend. We went to pick a plot for Lin ... and me. Afterward we went to Beck Funeral Home to make cremation arrangements and to view her one last time.
This all seems surreal. Although I know that she is no longer with us; it does not ring true to me. I keep expecting to hear her call me, to hear her laugh, to hear her talk sweetly to me, only to find she is talking to the dogs, anything! I look around the room and expect to see her walking around corner at any time. I keep looking at pictures willing her back to life, to no avail; she is not coming back.
Slipped Away - Avril Lavigne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoJhLQrNKP8&feature=related
I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.
[Chorus]The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly
[Chorus]The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back
I miss you.
Wednesday, as she rested on the couch, she called me. Lin asked me to find her journal. I suggested that I get her a recorder that I had bought her as she had difficulty holding on to objects. I brought her the most recent journal I found nearby. She asked me to start reading it to her, from the beginning. As I read her thoughts, I kept thinking, how do you live with someone for eight years and not know what she was thinking, how she felt about things, what was on her mind? I got to know her more intimately and read to her until she fell asleep. Before she fell asleep, I asked her if the reading was for her or more for my benefit, she raised an eyebrow. I placed the journal back on the shelf.
There was something different about Thursday. I was anxious; there was something that was gnawing at my thoughts. I was forgetful all day. I found myself at the edge of angry and sad all at the same time.
Marti and Erin helped me on this night. Lin would not un-grit her teeth to take in meds. She would not swallow and instead spit them out. She knew more than all of us. Erin and I crushed some of her meds (spoke to Bonnie, her RN) and mixed them with the liquid morphine to try to make it easier for her. We even tried to get her to take some yogurt with a capsule emptied into it; she was having difficulty swallowing .... a mistake on my behalf. This meant that we would have to move her to administer the drugs rectally; cause her more pain. We finally got her settled and sleeping.
For some reason or another I could not sleep. I thought I would stay up reading a novel. I moved my office chair to her bedside and placed an ottoman in front of me. I grabbed hold of her hand and read. Around 2am, I thought the better of it and retrieved the journal and began reading it. I continued to hold her hand as I sat with her, maintaining contact as much as possible. I saw myself through her eyes and read of what she thought of me. She loved me, I was her best friend. I read her intiment thoughts and I felt like I was invading; however, grew to love her more intensely than before. In her writing, I felt her trust, her love of many things, her weaknesses, her vunerabilities, and her anguish and fear of the cancer.
I went to the futon to sleep, but could only toss and turn. I was falling asleep when thought I had heard Lin call out "Minnie Min", one of her pet names for me. The memories of times that we spent together started to pour into my head and the thought that we would not be able to make new memories filled my mind; my heart exploded into a million tiny pieces. No matter what I tried, there were now holes in my heart that could not be filled. I began to shake uncontrollably, I lost command of my body. I did not want Lin to hear me but there were noises coming from my mouth that I did not recognize, I was now in agony. I wept as quietly as I could, however, without restrain. I could not sleep; I moved back to the chair and took hold of her hand once more.
I don't know exactly when, but I fell to sleep in the chair (I know it was after 5:30 as I had continued to read). I awoke abruptly around 8am as I noticed a change in her breathing. She was taking quick short breathes followed by breaks with no breathing. She had done this before, but this was different. I was scared. I called Bonnie, her RN.
Bonnie arrived quickly. By this I time, I had summoned her mother and sister and called a couple of her and my friends. I continued to hold her hand. Her hands had started to grow cold, lose color; her nails had turned a pale yellow and her fingers looked like they were bruised in the knuckles. I knew this was a sign of her body shutting down, but was hoping against all odds that it was not true.
I stayed by her side, watching and counting breathes. Four breathes, count to 21 and then four breathes, count to 21...I continued to count. Marlene left the room. Bonnie was talking and I was interacting, sometimes. Four breathes, count to 21... four breathes, count to 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31; I looked at Bonnie. This cannot be true! I looked at Lin and then back to Bonnie; I closed my eyes and looked to her Mother. Lin was not going to breathe ever again...! I was screaming inside. Every nerve in my being, hurt. My broken heart shattered once again. The person that had been weeping uncontrollably on the futon the night before was now embracing Lin and weeping without restraint or care. This person could not be me. I have a wife, she is going to walk in any minute and tell me it is all a mistake, a big joke. It was not to be.
The love of my life was pronounced at 9:30 am, October 31, 2008. She never awoke from her slumber; I pray she was not in pain.
Lin chose to be cremated. So the nurses aid, Marc and I began to prepare her for viewing in the home by friends and family. We washed her body, her hair, and we dressed her in blue, her favorite color. I blow dried her hair the way she liked it. Family and close friends came in to pay their respects.
We had started to play a satellite radio station on the TV on Wednesday and kept it playing non-stop as Lin loved a room filled with music. I don't know if it was coincidence, but when allot of my friends, that happen to work for the same company that I do came in the room, the song "Live Like You Were Dying" came on. Lin often told me that my friends and I devoted way too much time to "the company" and not to ourselves and families; how apropos.
Last night I spent the night at my friends' house, Jacque and Sarah; I could not stay in our house. We met Marti, Marlene and her Mom today at Remembrance Gardens at Riverbend. We went to pick a plot for Lin ... and me. Afterward we went to Beck Funeral Home to make cremation arrangements and to view her one last time.
This all seems surreal. Although I know that she is no longer with us; it does not ring true to me. I keep expecting to hear her call me, to hear her laugh, to hear her talk sweetly to me, only to find she is talking to the dogs, anything! I look around the room and expect to see her walking around corner at any time. I keep looking at pictures willing her back to life, to no avail; she is not coming back.
Slipped Away - Avril Lavigne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoJhLQrNKP8&feature=related
I miss you
Miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad.
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly.
[Chorus]The day you slipped away.....
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
I hope you can hear me
Cause I remember it clearly
[Chorus]The day you slipped away...
Was the day i found
It, won't be the same
I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why.
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake it
It happened you passed by
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back
I miss you.
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