Little things mean allot.

It has been unusually quiet for the last two days. It has allowed for us to reflect and to actually have a little fun.

Since the install of the rails in the bathroom, transferring Lin on and off the wheelchair has been a godsend. The tumor in her back is situated such that no matter how hard we tried, each attempt to aid her in the past, we would hurt her. The rails have been a wonderful addition to the regiment of artillery against her pain!

Lin got a hair cut on Monday. Joe, her hairdresser of thirteen years, came to house on his day off and cut and styled her hair. It is the same hair cut she has had for years, only shorter. We figured it would be allot easier to maintain. She looks really cute and sexy with short hair, Katrina confirmed it last night when she visited.


We figured out how to rig up the couch so she can lay in it. It had been her favorite spot to take a nap in the past, however, it recently had proven to be too low to allow a smooth transition. We took the cushions from the outdoor couch and and padded the living room couch. The cushions were Fran's idea, Lin's sister. We held them together with a sheet. She has been able to nap and rest peacefully as she had in the past, Prada and Chickl'e at her side, of course.

Fran cooked up a storm while she was here; it was a nice break for Julie as she has continued to address most of the household chores. Julie loves to wash! Each time I put away a load of clothes, another awaits me. Fran made a great lasagna last night, I even had seconds. Marti joined us for a late supper and brought over a bottle of wine that she and Fran shared. Lin has taken to Soy milk. She swears that it is a miracle drug. When she had radiation it had a negative effect on her esophagus and caused her to have bad heart burn each time she attempted to eat. She now enjoys a glass of soy milk with each meal and has been able to join us at meal time at the table.

Lin has had problems adjusting to the loss of use of her legs. She was saying the other day that you really can't appreciate how much you depend on them until you are no longer able to depend on them. She has her days when they are strong and she is happy, then there are the days that they are basically jello and useless...these are the days that a strong back and arms come in handy, but mostly an empathic ear.

I was able to spend the night upstairs the other night while Fran took the night shift from me. It felt good to sleep the night without waking every few hours. Last night I fumbled on the medicine. Marlene had been working as my quality check and she left for Canada already and Fran was too new onto the job. Well Lin usually gets two Ambien a night that she takes broken out so she can sleep throughout the night.

Lin fell asleep in the living room, 9:30 pm. Marti, Fran, Julie and I were talking about our day. Lin kept waking up and apologizing for falling asleep on us. Her norm lately has been to go to bed at 1:30 am. Each time she would wake up, she would take a circus peanut (those orange looking candies that are made from all sugar) and attempt to eat it; however, most often she would fall asleep again. She had us laughing with each new attempt. She woke up enough to become a comedian and placed two halves of the peanuts strategically on her chest. We laughed even more (see pictures). We finally talked her into going to bed early.

I went to check the medicine bin that I prepare almost daily with all her "cocktails". The two Ambien were missing! I forgot that they had changed the prescription to generic and the color of the pills had changed from white to yellow, they now looked like the Flexeril she was taking... No wonder she fell asleep! She slept well and only woke up twice in the night. Coincidence? I think not. Maybe...just maybe, we got some intervention...

As I lay there last night and listened to the super sonic train engine roar at a never before heard decibel due to a coma-like induced sleep, it made me think. Lin and I often spoke of how when two people meet it is not really them, but their "representatives" that meet. These "representatives" are kind, generous, and thoughtful; they don't fart, burp, have any bad manners, always say thank you and please. You used to know one, right? Then you move in together and the things that you used to think were sweet, you remember, "isn't it cute, you snore at night", now become the things that start to get on your nerves.

I laid in bed and pondered a future where the room is pitch dark and there is no snoring in the room, except, maybe only my own. I put in the ear plugs and was still lulled to sleep by the sound of Lin's rhythmic snoring, a sound I truly appreciate once again.

Open mouth ... insert BIG FOOT!

The morning started out perfect. Lin got up only a couple of times last night. We made it through the night with minimum of added morphine and I crawled into her hospital bed in the wee hours of the morning. Waking up next to Lin was great.

The day was even greater because she experienced no falls the day prior. Instead, she went to the airport to drop off Marlene to send her on her way back to Canada. No, she did not drive. Allison had volunteered to drive Marlene to the airport. With help from Art and me we got Lin into the truck, buckled her down, gave her some morphine and packed a bag of additional meds for her in case she needed them. They made it to Austin without incidence. She got to stay with her little sister until the last minute.

When they got home, Art pulled her out of the truck seat and we were able to get back in our home safely. Art and I had stayed home and managed to go to Home Depot and Lowe's only three times in two days as we placed the safety bars in the bathroom. This was no easy task. How do we place them, what makes sense, is there a 2x4 behind the wall....no there wasn't.

Well Lin got to test the install in the bathroom on her return, what a difference the right equipment can make. They worked wonderfully! Not because we did the work, but because she is able to help with transfers and we do not hurt her.

Sunday got even better. We got out of bed late, that was really nice. Teresa called from California, she is an old friend of Lin's from earlier 1980; it made her day. I made migas for the Canadian clan and we had a nice late brunch.

I got to get out for the first time in weeks! Lin had gotten a massage gift card from Mark and Genny for her birthday in January and had not used it yet. Marti came over to sit with Lin so I got to use the card to get a massage and boy did it feel great! Thank you Mark and Genny!

When I returned, Mark, Genny and Taylor were visiting. They brought over a nice chicken noodle soup. It was great; we had it for supper with a salad.

Today was an unusual day, much like Saturday. There were no major events scheduled or any that occurred by accident. Julie, Lin's Mom and myself were surprised at how quiet the day occurred.

We were sitting and watching television tonight. Lin made a comment about wasting time and not doing all the things that she had planned. Things like using the paint set she had and learning to play the guitar she has upstairs. Without thinking I made a very sarcastic and insensitive remark about how she could better use her time. Well shove a truck load of something in my mouth, I can never apologize enough for the stupid remark. Believe me, I tried.

We are now living a different life and what I say today, I may not be able to make up for it or change it tomorrow. I find myself thinking like I used to do. The cancer has robbed us of time. I have to change the way that I think, this is hard. We cannot plan past tomorrow, we have to live in the here, the now, today. I always thought that we would grow old together; reality has changed that. If I could change what I said today, the day would have been perfect. ...if I could change whatever caused the cancer to develop or to spread, then we could buy that condo by the beach and grow old together, now that would be perfect.