Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star - Are You There?

So much time has passed, yet, many things remain the same. As I look around the room in here, your shotzkies (is that what they call them), your dust collectors are still where they were a year ago. Your art supplies, still remain in drawers, containers or where ever you last touch them; canvases are still white, untouched.




I was in the bedroom a minute ago and I looked around. Not much has changed there except the orientation of our bed. That has changed a couple of times since you left. Neither you or I ever moved them, our families did this for us, both when you were ill and when I took a dive from the ladder. All else is pretty much the same. I even found a big dust bunny tonight when I had to go behind the dresser to plug in light that has not been used since you left; I think the dust bunny is too big for the vacuum, it must be a year old now.


I'm sort of glad that I had to endure my own physical pain this year because then it made me think of you and even get a little mad at you. Although, I have to say, that there were many days that I was really pissed at you! When I first fell my first thought was of you and that I needed to call you. You were not here. When I got to the hospital, I half way believed that you would materialize and I would not have to keep repeating myself; you would be there to help me; you did not show. When I awoke from surgery, I kept thinking of you and hoping that you somehow would think of me and be there, that did not happen. The realization that you would not ever be for me again came when I came out of my haze, my fog.


You were gone for keeps. You would not return to me out of love, out of guilt, out of friendship; you simply would not return. That was the most rotten three weeks of my life. To sit there and have to smile for visitors and just lay there and think of you not coming back to be with me was almost unbearable. No matter what happened, for that day forward I knew I could not wish you back. I was on my own. I must have been in some kind of shock from October through April. This was the first time that I was ever mad at you for leaving. Before that time, I tried my best to reason and understand.


Funny, I either stay awake past 1:30am or wake up in time to see the clock change. When I laid by your bedside, you always woke up at 1:30am. I was so tired then, I just did what I had to do to get to the next day. Now I just think of all the time I could have actually spoken with you instead of wanting to go back to bed. Life was cruel then and it really has not been very nice at all this whole year.


I am over being mad at you now. I still feel a lot of guilt for things that I did not do, say or otherwise think about then. I know it is stupid, but it happens. Tonight, I have been dreading today for a long time. I don't know if something magical is supposed to happen or what, but I have had a fear of this day for a long time. Even after my accident and knowing that you would not return, there is something about this day; I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I am afraid that I will forget you. That somehow I will start to go on with my life as I have already tried and I forget you. I know I can't; we buried you on my birthday. How could I ever forget that? At 9:30am you will have been gone a year.

Your family and I talk and keep your memory alive. It is very hard talking about you. It is like you die all over again every time we talk about your last days here. But that is what we have in common. It was very hard, difficult to talk to one another right after you passed. Marlene and I were mad at each other. It was for all the wrong reasons, but they seemed so valid to both of us at the time. We have worked our way past that for some time now. You have a new niece now; Marlene is a grandma. We have talked about that recently. The little girl, at two months, likes to talk on the phone to your Mom. We think it is you re-incarnated. You were always on the phone to your Mom or Sister!

I finally sold your car. I did not get to take it for a last ride. I had to have follow-up surgery. This time, I did not look for you. A nice lady from Borne, JP, bought it. Her husband fixed radiation machines. I had just put the for sale sign on your car and I decided to drive it to the grocery store for whatever reason (I had not been gro shopping in a year!). I parked it on the far side of the lot where it could be seen from the road. JP and her husband were driving by on their way to a family reunion. They decided to stop and shop. JP had bought some boots for Halloween and told her husband she needed a sexy convertible to drive. They pulled up next to your car and wa-la, it was for sale. They called me while I was in the store. They test drove it on their way back through and called me on their way home; they wanted to buy her. Well you baby is in good hands now.

I just lied when I said that I did not look for you. Well, I did not look for you, but I did think of you. I remembered how you used to kiss me, before I went under and after I woke up. I woke up asking a doctor where he got his case for his iPhone, weird huh.


I have had too much time to sit and think this year. It made me think of what you must have gone through and all you had to deal with, mine was a cake walk next to yours. You never complained, not even once.


You never complained. All that time that you must have felt like crap; all the time that you spent alone while I went to work, you never complained. If I could turn the clock around for even one day, there are some may things I would change. The biggest being, that I would go back to the Wednesday before you died and I would not be mad at you because you did not remember who I was or because you wanted to smoke. Stupid crap huh? I would get over it and sit with you, just sit with you. I know your past was not free of pain or worry either, I wish I would have met you earlier in life.


I don't know what tomorrow morning will bring, if anything. I know that you will not be with me physically. But you remain in my heart, in my thoughts and in my soul. I think part of me died with you and part of you now lives in me. Is that possible?


If it seems that I am all over the place, I am. You used to tell me how smart I was, well, I think I have scrambled eggs for a brain, since you left. Some days I do not want to get out of bed and others I just do. Some days I can't remember what I did the day before and others, well, thank God I keep a calendar.

I managed to keep your plants alive through the winter. I only lost one or two. But, somehow, with the help of my family, we did not lose a single plant or flower through the worst draught in many years here.


I am not mad at you for leaving anymore. I am just extremely sad that you died and you will not return. My heart aches to look into your blue eyes again, to touch your fine and silky hair and to lie next to you at night and to wake to you in the morning. I long to talk to you and tell about my day. I wish you could tell me what you think about the decisions that I am making. You are still the first person that I think about when anything happens. I wish I could hear you laugh one more time. I wish I could tell you that I love you, once more.


Lin once asked me. "When everything is stressful and hard and it seems like the world is closing in, what do you do?" I told her that I put on my headphones and listened to the song below, over and over. I would not let anything change my world. I have control, just wishful thinking. Well, we know that this is not true, but it is how I got through many rough days and nights.

Rest in peace, my love ...rest in peace.  I love you Lil'B!!





The Beatles - Across The Universe

Words are flying out like

endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me



Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world


Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe


Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world


Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe


Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world


Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva

Days go by...

Yesterday was the anniversary of our Holy Ceremony, September 16,2008. We would have celebrated nine years of marriage. I still don't know how to feel. I read a book recently, "90 Minutes in Heaven" and I was so happy to think that you have indeed gone to a much better place than this life chose to share with you. Then I see a picture of you, think of you, and all I can do is taste my salty, bitter tears.

I had planned to visit your gravesite yesterday, but, I ran out of hours in my day. If you were here, that NEVER would have happened. I remember what I read in "90 Min" and think, you are probably busy yourself and no longer concerned with earthly concerns. That makes me feel happy and sad at the same time.

One year ago yesterday, you shared with me what you had found out from your doctor's visit, the one you refused to let me attend with you. I got home from work, we sat on the couch together; the cancer had matestizised. The enemy had spread, there was very little hope to fight it.

We, you and I, had been fighting this monster for 18months at that time. You were then and continue still, to be the most brave person I had ever met. I was lucky and married my HERO!

In all my years, I never thought I would be so lucky to have met such a kind, caring, beautiful, loving, selfless soul but there you were, saying, "I will" to ME! You wanted to share your life with me! I was so happy on our wedding day. We were able to share our day with family and friends, that made it all the more special.

I know that it is selfish, but, I wish I could have just one more day with you. We could go to that spot on the beach where you proposed to me. This time I would not be scared or embarrased to hold your hand or steal a kiss. Maybe we could go to that out of the way "Lobsta Shak" that we fell in love with in Canada, just the two of us. Maybe then, days like today would not be so damned hard.

I miss you with every ounce of my soul.

It has been a while!

It has been a while since I have written. I have not had the energy, nor the want to do much. If you read the prior posting, then you know that I went down on April 8, 2009; a non-fatal fall, but damaging none the less.

I was minding my own business, actually having fun as I power-washed a Pergola and had stopped only long enough to climb a six foot ladder to check a plant hanger, when all of the sudden, my right knee wobbled and I knew I was going down in mere seconds.

I felt my hands slice the air, grasping for anything that would help me stay on the ladder, to no avail. I don't remember hitting the concrete, none-the-less, I found myself laying on the ground, on my back, as my right shoulder ached and I knew I could not move my right leg for the pain.

I shouted at the top of my lungs, "HELP, HELP!", that is when I noticed that the power-washer was still on, no one would hear me, no matter how much I screamed. I looked around and remembered a thought that I had earlier. Everyone in the neighborhood worked, the sound of the power-washer was the loudest sound that I could hear, all else was quiet, no one was home. I knew that I was in trouble. I had a brain fart and pulled the iPhone out of my pocket. I was ready to dial 911, and then a fleeting thought crossed my mind, I don't remember the address! Another thought came from nowhere, cell phones cannot be tracked to the exact location, can they?

The pain was intense. Each time I moved, I felt like someone was pounding my leg with a sledge hammer, other times like my leg was in a vise grip. My shoulder continued to throb, I could hear my own heart beat. I attempted to get up, but only managed to make the pain more intense. I thought about dragging myself, but then thought, where? I am on the patio, if I manage to get in the house, I would have to deal with an ~80lb dog. It is funny how many thoughts, some stupid, cross your mind when an accident occurs or for that matter when you suffer severe pain.

I was lucky that Tory was home, a cute, lively, and smart 10 year old girl. She called 911 and got me help. I don't remember too much more about that time. I guess that was because I knew that help was on the way. I could relax, well OK, concentrate on getting as comfortable as I could. He mom, Chellie and sister, Taylor got home not too long after that and I knew I would get help.

Being in the hospital... I don't remember too much about the week that I was at Breckenridge hospital, only what others tell me. I was either acting like a clown, flashing everyone my naked body, writing illegible brain dumps on paper or sleeping. Two times do stand out, however. The first was when I came out of surgery the first time. The nurse told me to push the button when I needed pain relief. I watched the clock and asked others to help me as the machine would release medication every 8 minutes. I pushed on that button like there was no tomorrow. I did after all have a leg with multiple fractures and a shoulder that had endured surgery. Did you see the picture in the prior posting? Well the nurse got mad at me because I was complaining that I was not getting enough pain medication. She came in and read me the riot act about the amount of meds I was allowed to have, blah, blah, blah. Well, Erin looked down and asked me to let her know the next time I pushed the button; I did. She took off to get the nurse. The Marine in her came out. She returned with the nurse. The line that connected the pain medication to the machine that allowed me the get meds, was not connected and instead had formed a small pool of liquid on the floor! The nurse turned red in the face and I finally got relief.

I am having problems concentrating on one thing at a time. The easiest thing that I do is gel in front of the TV right now. Stay tuned for the next posting, hopefully it will not take as long, however, I am headed to the beach with my sisters and Mom this weekend! Until later.

Roni has fallen and she can't get up!

Hello blog world! This is Roni's niece, Lori. I am writing this blog on behalf of Roni because, well, she just can't. Here is the story.

On April 8th, Roni was at a friend's house doing a little power washing. While she was up a ladder, she fell. She landed on her right side causing her shoulder and right Tibia to break. Part of her Tibia was actually shattered. Roni was rushed to Round Rock Medical Center. After she arrived there and the doctors performed their initial exam, they found the breaks to be too severe for them to treat. During this time, Erin arrived. The staff told Erin and Roni that she would have to be flown via Care Flight to Brackenridge Hospital. Roni wanted Erin to ride with her, but the hospital wouldn't let her. While this was Roni's first helicopter ride, she didn't enjoy it too terribly much! I wonder why? Anyway, Erin beat her to the hospital by an hour. That's saying alot - especially with Austin traffic.

When Roni arrived at Brackenridge she underwent her first surgery. They "fixed" her shoulder and placed pins and a rod in her leg. They also had to insert a drainage tube and cut gashes in her skin (I know there is a medical term for this, but my memory fails me now) because her leg was so swollen. They went in a couple of days later to clean out more of the fluid and get her ready for the big surgery.

On Monday, the doctors placed the plate in her leg. She seems to be doing great so far. This afternoon she was moved to Reliant Rehabilitation in Round Rock. I know she is hopeing for a speedy recovery. We all are. Since she broke her right leg, which is her "driving" leg, she will be dependant on everyone for a while. For those of you that know Roni, it's not going to be easy for her.

Roni did say for me to tell all her friends and family that have helped out, called, came by and emailed Thank You. She is very grateful to have such wonderful people in her life. She is not, however, grateful to me or Erin. I've been threating to paint her toenails (what is she going to do - chase me?) and Erin placed a pink fuzzy sock on her foot while she was asleep. I'm sure we will be paid back as soon as she can hobble around again!

Day 149 - Post

The sun seems to come up every day, much against my will. I can't believe it has been 149 days since Lin left my side.

I seem to spend many hours a days cleaning the pool. This used to be Lin's job. She would often remark to me that she had cleaned the pool and I would just make a comment that it looked nice or something stupid like that. What I did not know then that I know NOW, is how much work she did with the pool. Between fighting an endless amount of leaves, wind and the likes and trying to figure out the chemicals, ugh! I never gave her all the credit that she deserved for all the work that it took to maintain the pool.

With the change of the seasons, I got to experience another of the Lin's joys. I would put up some sort of warm shelter for her plants every year, that was nothing new. We would rush to move the plants the weekend before a big chill, all ~50 potted plants, large and small. I would hook-up water and electric lights, all the comforts for their warmth and thirst. I did that with help of Art, Alex, Erin and Eric this year. Difference was that we had all planted some of the plants in the ground so it was a little different. Thank God that I did not kill many of them this year!! The roses have started to blossom. The dead is giving in to the living. Pat and I spent most of the day today cleaning the patio, deck and pool. Lin loved her outdoors area and spent most of her days there. I never did give it much thought how much she did as mulled around outside.

Today started with a jump. Corban, Lori and Eric rang the door bell at 9:00am. On any given Sunday, before, I would normally get up late, drink some coffee and read the paper while watching some old movies. This is what Lin and I used to do. One exception, OK, a couple. She would get up earlier than me most of the time. She would make the coffee and then she get on the phone. By the time I would get up, she would be starting the second pot of coffee. She would have started the pump on the pool and most likely well on her way to watering the plants. I seem to be living her life now, or at least in part. After the gang left, there was no way that I could escape the calling to the outdoors, it was in horrible shape and I needed to address the needs of the plants and pool. I wondered, is this what motivated Lin to jump into action, a calling of necessity or a labor of love?

It does not seem right that life should continue to move forward without Lin in it. We talked about the situation once. That life goes on no matter who dies.

I wonder when it will get easy, easier. I can actually go hours sometimes without thinking of her. Is it because of the house, our furniture, our things we bought together, house we painted, colors, we picked...life we lived? I wish that I had more answers to my questions.

Let it go? That is what I hear...what would you do?

When someone dies many things happen. People become aggressive, people become passive. They yell and scream, they crawl in a corner and cry. One thing I do know as well, money and possessions is something that all the sudden becomes paramount and oh so important.

I deleted a comment today and decided to re-post it. This speaks volumes.

"I really don't want to get into this, but I have some strong feelings with the "BLOG". I don't think Lin would want Roni to talk "negative" about her Mom & sister. I was told by Lin, that she wanted $"XX" of the disability to go to her Mom.AND I think that since Roni & Lin were not "legally" married, all of the disability money-legally goes to "next of kin" (which would be Lin's Mother). So, I am not sure how Roni even cashed the disability check in the first place. A bit confusing I might say. Also, from what Lin told me, her sister (Marlene) was suppose to get all of Lin's personal belongings (with the exception of items she & Roni had already discussed). To this day Marlene has not received anything, except a few items."

I love my wife with all my mind, body and soul. I did and continue to do everything I can to make her happy, to do what would make her happy.

When the chips were down, I did the wrong thing and decided to immerse myself in work so I would not have to deal with "the cancer"; but you can't run away from it. Ultimately we took it on together. I changed my life to accommodate the fact that things would be different in the future for us, what we thought would be our future. I changed jobs so I could spend more time with her. I changed my 401K contributions to help accommodate for additional monies for treatments, things insurance would not cover and things to make us comfortable. I traded down my truck to reduce costs. I took on loans to make sure that she would be taken care of no matter what. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her; let me say that again, for her, not anyone else.

Something happens when someone dies; it gets really messy dealing with all the left over, grief, unresolved feelings, resentment, guilt there are other words, but you probably already know what they are and where this is going.

I am lucky Lin and I went and had a will made for her when she was of sound mind and body. And even still, it is not enough. I bought her a digital recorder and asked her to go room to room and tell me of anything she wanted anyone to have, she said no, she had already addressed that in her will.

The "Will" is a legally binding document. The will speaks now for Lin, even when I can't. I have taken time off of work to deal with these legal issues, gone before a judge and swore that I would uphold the letter of the will. I have done so with respect to Lin and have not swayed from that. I cannot change or challenge that which is set forth by the will without legal arbitration. Who has the extra funds for that? Who wants to go against what she wanted?

I mean no disrespect to anyone, I am simply stating facts as they occur. Lin made amends with her family prior to her death. I am not there yet. I used the word meddling the other day, maybe it was too strong, either way, I know that I am out additional attorney fees, that I do not have to spare from my pocket, to engage him to ensure that any funds that are made available by any means are FIRST and FOREMOST applied to her estate; the way she wanted it.

Actions taken by others did infuriate me, I will be honest. I told them so directly. That they did not trust that I would do the right thing and somehow go behind their back.... that is not me, never has been, never will be.

To address possessions, yes those dreaded little household and personal items that make a house a home...our home. What would you do if someone was ready to come to your house with boxes, the day after you buried your loved one, your wife and take everything away that represented your loved one's life? Not over my dead body. It was not because I did not want anyone to have anything, but because I was not ready to say goodbye to my wife - I still am not ready. I did give Lin's family the more personal items that she loved and held special. I regret that I kept only two items, but they are personal enough and I am glad I did not part with them (jewelry). I also expressed that if I did send anything, it would be 6 months plus. Guess what? Good thing, because I had to take inventory for her estate! The creditors are after EVERYTHING.

The person who wrote the comment says that I am disrespecting Lin's family and that Lin would not want for me to write what I am writing, that I should let this go. She says that I should write this in a journal and burn it. What say you? Yes, this is very personal. I am surprised at items that I blog about, but it does help me to write and from email that I get, it seems to helps others.

Before she passed, Lin asked me to write her story, good, bad and indifferent. She said that maybe someone would benefit knowing what she went through and maybe she could save someone. It has taken me a long time to get here, where I am now. But, thank to Bonnie (our RN from hospice) maybe I can do it. She gave me an awesome book that I can use as a guide.

So, I am asking for input.

What should I do?

Write in a journal and burn it? Let it go? Or, move forward with writing Lin's Story, which the title indicates.

I think Bonnie hit the nail on the head the other day when she said that she could pinpoint the day that I started writing differently, writing because Lin was reading the blog and when I started writing about Lin and what was happening in our lives. I am currently writing a different chapter, my current life. I seem to have written about during and now after, should I delve into before?

Drop me a note, I am interested to know what you think.

It has been a while...

Time has passed so quickly, yet it seems to stand still. It has now been what seems to be a lifetime since Lin passed away. I keep wondering if my life will always be measured by the number of days since Lin died...4 months and 5 days OR 125 days, or 17 weeks, or 3000 hours, or 180,000 minutes, give or take a few minutes....but who is counting right? Right...

It has been unusual as of late. It seems that it was easier to deal with life right after she died. Maybe I was numb or maybe it is because I did not have time to process her passing. I don't know, but I do know that lately it seems that I am sucking on one large tart candy as I can feel my jaw tighten, my throat restricts, my eyes start to water, I can't swallow and then it becomes hard to breathe. No reason at all for this to happen, she has just been on my mind a bunch lately. Her sobriety birthday is coming around, March 14, is that why I am thinking of her?

I am still dealing with legal stuff, trying to settle her estate. Her Mom and sister called me to tell me that they had meddled with social security; they feel entitled to the money she was to receive from disability. That started additional talks with the attorney - MAN those guys charge you if they fart on your time! I feel guilty that I have not sent them any monetary funds but then I feel mad that they are interfering. Lin did not trust them enough to make them executors. Besides all of this, there is no money. I am still trying to close out on debt, especially medical. Do yourself a favor and keep all your property, real estate and financial as separate as possible, it sure makes it allot easier in the end. The Gay factor does not help one bit, muddies the waters.

I went to South Padre Island with Allison. We went to spread some of Lin's ashes on the beach. I took her very close to the area where she proposed marriage to me, a long term commitment. I thought that it was weird that I was not overwhelmed by emotions when I actually spread her ashes. It has not been until now that it hits me or I talk about it. Even as I write, that damned tart feeling overcomes me. I was glad that I was finally able to take her to the beach, but then that guilt creeps back and it pangs at my chest; I did not get to take her to the beach when she was alive and asking to go. Is this how parents feel when they know a child wants something very badly, but they know that it is out of their reach or control to make it come to fruition? What a hell of a feeling.

I was talking with my friend Meredith he other day. She told me that Lin does not feel guilt, pain, regret, nothing but happiness where she is now; if that is true, I am very glad for Lin. This must be hell on earth then to survive your loved one, because the feelings are intense. I went to the movies with my sister Dora and friend Cara tonight, Perry Tyler's Medea goes to jail. There is a scene in the movie where the women are in prison listening to a converted prostitute speaking about forgiveness. She said that unless you forgive, you are the one that suffers and the person who did you wrong is scott free. I started thinking tonight... will I always suffer the pain of a victim until the time that I forgive myself for all the things that I could not or did not do for Lin?

I was wondering the other day how I would make it to the end of the day... even my performance review reflected my anguish. I received a negative hit because I have not been thinking strategic. Hello! I am trying to make it day to day and seldom think beyond the next couple of hours. Sorry to my friends who like to make plans in advance. And yes I know, my follow through is not what it once was. My level of concentration is being impacted by thoughts of yesteryear and the want for how it used to be and how it will not be that way ever again. I question my every decision and am finding it difficult to make financial determinations. Lin was my moral compass. I was the free spender, take the risk. She always, always, the more cautious one. I can honestly say that I feel lost most of the time. Do you ever get the feeling or remember that panic feeling when you see a cop and look down at your speedometer and think, holy $hit! Multiply that times 10,000 and then you start to feel how different life is for me now; I experience this feeling several times a day.

It is almost that time again. Most nights, I am still either awake or can't go to sleep or if I manage to fall asleep; I wake up for 1:30 am. Lin always awoke at this time; I would administer meds and talk to her or stroke her soft blonde hair until she fell asleep again. Like a new mother, I would then stay awake to make sure she would sleep for a while. Now I just stay up, update facebook, read, light a candle for Lin or just lay in bed thinking.

Well enough of the gloom and doom for one evening. I hope to go to her grave site soon and update some pics as her engraved headstone was put in place sometime back. I took pictures, but my iphone and this Dell computer do not like one another. He resting spot is a good place to go for peace and tranquility from time to time.

Please feel free to leave comments or let me know of different topics you may want to see.

U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fBj2wsimvQ

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

White Girls Can Dance? You're Still My Baby.

I went to the rental house today and was looking at the work completed on the counter make-over. I hopped in the truck and headed out to find nourishment. The radio was on a station that I actually listen to now rather than punching the button to change the station; it was Lin's favorite 107.1 KGSR. Willie Nelson was singing away, "Kansas City". The song somehow got me thinking of Lin and my first time to see her dance.

We had not been seeing each other for very long in terms of going out at night or dancing. She was working the night shift when we met. After one hell of a quarter end (we both worked Logistics); she suggested that we go to South Padre Island for a long weekend to recharge. It sounded great, so off we went.

We went out with Lin's friends to some little gay bar in Brownsville. Don't ask me where we were; I was totally lost. Marc and Omar drove us to this bar, and when I say little, it was little. Anyway some music, much attuned to Kansas City was playing and Lin asked me to dance. I don't know about you, but I have to have some "liquid courage" in my blood stream before I take a step onto the floor. She told me not to worry because she was a good dancer...

There were not many people on the floor, which made me even more uncomfortable. So let me set the stage. When I was much younger (yes MUCH), I was quite the dancer. I could dance polka, fast two-step, disco, you name it, I probably practiced it first while dancing along to American Bandstand, Lawrence Welk or Hee-Haw (yes, my parents MADE me watch some of those shows). Anyone who danced with me, knew that they had to give me "proper space"; never crowd a good dancer. LOL! So dancing this rock-n-roll / blues was kind of new to me. Next thing I know, Lin is dirty dancing up against me! I am sure my face was turning the deepest shade of red that it could. I was starting to perspire and had yet to move an inch. She had a great big smile on her face and then a sultry kind of look. She cocked her mouth to one side and half smiled. She shimmied her shoulders from side to side in a slow motion moves and then (OMG!!) started slowly squatting right in front of me! I was sure all eyes were on us and that I would soon hear laughter. I was frozen right where I stood; I could not move a muscle, althought my jaw was probably hitting the floor about then. I was a preppy, a shy, yes shy, polite person and I did not do "that" kind of dancing in public!!

I was never so glad to see Omar in my life! He approached Lin from behind and wanted to get into "that" action; well that was my queue to RUN! Lin and Omar continued to dirty dance as I watched from the sideline with Marc. I don't think I have ever downed beers so fast in my life. Lin continued to signal to me to come join them and I pretended that I did not see her signal. If this is what she called dancing, there would not be much of that happening that night.

On occassion we would discuss "that night". I would only shake my head and sigh heavily; Lin would grin and laugh. Several years later she asked me what I meant when I would see a Caucasian person dance and say "white people dance". I told her that no matter what race, if I saw someone dance with little sense of rhythm, then to me, that was white people dancing. I told her that I had seen those move in her as well. She was appauled! Next time we went out I asked to look around the floor and tell me what she saw. She told me that there were alot of "white people" out there thinking they could dance. We laughed about that often. From time to time she would call this out when we saw others dance.

We danced quite often at home. We would turn up the stereo and Lin would ask me to help her, give her lessons so that when we did finally go dancing in public she would not "white people dance". I had great fun dancing with her; she actually got really good. We had our own steps that we made up. It was not always easy as she was much taller than I. We had fun, that is what mattered. In her latter days she was only able to last but a few steps, but we had fun.

On a totally different note - if you have roses, today is the day to trim them. The little old man down the street has a really nice nursery and he told us that today was the day, if not tomorrow. Cut them back and they should come back beautifully. Don't forget to feed them!

I guess that is on my mind because we bought three rose bushes to plant in Lin's memory, in her garden. I bought a variety that was called "George Burns" (pic included). It just reminded me of Lin and brought a smile to my face. I later read up on it and here is what it said: "Just the array of novel colors in every flower can bring a smile to your face…although maybe not as many smiles as its namesake, the late George Burns. But it’s a definite "feel-good" rose; bright cheery ever-changing colors of yellow, deep red, rose pink and cream, big fragrant ruffled flowers, large clean deep glossy green foliage and a fairly compact yet free-flowering plant. Caution, though, an occasional cheap cigar turned into the soil may be required to keep this plant at its best."

Otis Redding

You're Still My Baby

http://www.lyricsmania.com/lyrics/otis_redding_lyrics_4700/dictionary_of_soul_lyrics_15432/youre_still_my_baby_lyrics_179183.html

Lyrics to You're Still My Baby :( Chuck Willis )

You're gone away

And you done left me alone, yeah

I've got nobody to call my own

I believe it's bye bye, baby, yeah

I wish you a lot of luck, darling

But you're still my baby

My my my baby

Told you i love you, honey

Yes, i did

Many, many, many times again, yeah

I've always played a losing hand

But it's bye, bye, bye, baby

That's what you're telling me

I wish you a lot of luck, darling

But i'm letting you know

You're still my baby

Ooh yeah

You may be, yes you may be

A thousand miles away, yeah

No matter how far or you may be

Looking at me somewhere

Right here in this town, lord, lord

But tell me all i, all i

All i want to know, know

Tell me, tell me what did i do, honey

Why, why, why did you put me down

Darling, darling

Somebody, somebody help me

Out of all this pain

But i've always played a losing game

But it's bye bye, baby, yeah

That's what you tellin'Lots of luck, darling

But i want you to know

That you're still my baby, my baby, my baby, yeah

You're still my baby, yeah

I want you to know

No matter where you go

No matter where i see you

I want you to be my baby

No matter what in the world you do

Honey, i want you to be my baby...

[ You're Still My Baby Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Triggers and memories - oh my!

Funny the things that trigger memories. I looked at my watch today a little before 9:30 am; I was in a meeting filled with a bunch of tech professionals, everyone was engaged in discussion. I could not put my finger on it. I decided to work on email as the discussion did not pertain to me. As I turned off my screen saver, there she was. I built a collage of Lin's pictures and placed them as the background for my desktop. She was smiling in each picture; we were playing on the beach, some of the pictures, only four months old. 9:30 am was when she was pronounced, gone, dead. I packed up my stuff and rushed out the door as quickly as possible; to everyone in the room, I was on a mission; for me, I needed to breathe.

I went on-line today and created a new radio station on http://www.pandora.com/ . I called the station, Lin's music. I selected nothing but rock that she liked. I have been listening to it since I got home and worked from my desk here this afternoon. Teh station will evolve as time passes, try it; it is fun! This is the link to her station: http://www.pandora.com/stations/c98c7d961d53764d4d60d32c4a7675473a5582c0cdf59754


I went out to lunch with two new friends, Meredith and Emily. I have been cooped up with them since early January working on a project. We went to Main Street Grill. When I met Lin, I owned and lived in a house on Main street. A little time after Lin moved in, the restaurant opened. We made this our place. We would walk down the sidewalk, a whole two blocks and be greeted by Jo. She always, OK almost always, sat us in the same booth. We would wine, dine and laugh. Jo would usually place a bottle of wine in a bag for us to take home with our fantastic strawberry cheese cake; we didn't think we could get in trouble for drinking and walking. Walking in there today was made easier by being with friends.

All in all, I had a good week. There were a couple of times when things were great and I wanted to share my feeling with someone; the first person that popped in my head was Lin. I always called her first to share whatever was happening to me. Who is the first person you like to share with?

When I went to Houston over Christmas, I had an experience. I was driving, took the wrong turn and immediately looked over to my navigator's seat, there was no one to blame but my self that time around. It made me wonder, how many times I had blamed her for wrong directions, when it was really me. Not a sad thing, just reminded me that I can be an a-hole at times... It was a very quiet ride. We used to sing, laugh, eat sunflower seeds and get lost together; doing this by myself was pretty scary stuff. I wonder how many pilots like to fly solo versus have a co-pilot/navigator?

I hope that wherever Lin is today, she is well. She never met a stranger - I imagine someone somewhere is probably wanting her to make her point...she could get a little long winded. I hope she has visited all the beaches that we had only wished we could one day see.

I can't wait until the day that we can once more look into each other's eyes. I saw your beautiful soul dancing in the sun today as I sat in your car. I had pulled the top down and there were no clouds only bright sunshine beaming down on me and warming my being. It felt like you were with me. These were the types of days that you cherished. Days where you were outside from sun-up to sun-down. I miss you!

Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay - Otis Redding
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knymoALfH9o

SURPRISE! We celebrated your birthday!

It was a spur of the moment thing. I talked about it for a while, but decided only the week before to celebrate Lin's birthday with a party. Allison and Dora helped me to plan the menu and off we went in different directions during the week. Dora did most of the cleaning and Allison took care of some speciality recipes. On Saturday we started cooking early and finished right on time as guests started to arrive, thanks to added help we got from Pat, Flora and Marti. I was apprehensive all week long for no good reason. I think between the holidays and her birthday; this was definitely the hardest time to endure. This was special as it was her special day.

I used to save all the special gifts for Lin's birthday rather than for Christmas. Items that she really wanted; I made her wait right past the holidays and boy was that hard on her. She was never one to keep a surprise. If she bought me a gift in October because she found a sale, I got it then rather than November. I, on the other hand, could wait until the day - I think this irked her somewhat. ;-)

On January 21st, Allison accompanied me to the cemetery to lay roses on Lin's grave. We stayed and visited for a while. It was a nice day; the weather was beautiful. There were allot of birds chirping around and the sound of the waterfall nearby made my heart smile. Lin would have loved the spot I chose for her, us. They have placed her final headstone. It was weird to see my name on the stone. I had not given it much thought in the past, what I would choose at the time of my death, how I would be buried. When I went to pick out a plot for Lin, I had promised her that I would get one for the both of us. She wanted to be cremated, so by osmosis, I will be cremated as well. The cemetery that she chose only serves cremations. I still find it strange that I made life long or should I say, after death decisions in only minutes. My logic was that I will no longer need my body when I am gone, so there really is not much thought to it, unless of course it is due to religious reasons.

I would venture to guess that at the height of the night, there were 45 well wishers crammed into the kitchen and dinning room. I think that it is funny that no matter what, everyone always ends up in the kitchen while the living room goes un-noticed. The menu was planned around finger foods as well as the type of foods that Lin liked, with a slight flair. We served pecan crusted chicken tenders, chicken wings with three sauces, seafood crab dip, mini quiches, boiled shrimp, Gorgonzola cheese truffles w/ fruit, veggie tray, deviled eggs, asparagus wraps, stuffed celery sticks and cheese cake. For those who missed the occasion, the food flowed as quickly as the drinks. I think everyone had a good time. Next year I will have to do better at the planning and sending invites.

It will be 3 months this coming Friday that Lin left my side. I still cry myself to sleep more than not and I still have much guilt over thoughts of "did I do all I can and did I make the right decisions". I don't guess that some of this will ever go away, only diminish on the amount of time I remember those those feelings. I still wonder why Lin; why now. Most of the time I am crushed that she is gone, while other times I am glad that she no longer feels all the pain.

"I wish you were here right now. I would hug you and hold onto you like I was never to see you again. I would tell you that yes, you are right about everything and I am/was wrong. I would give in more and argue less. I would take you to the beach and instead of reading, I would join you in a long walk as you looked for sand dollars. I would spend time helping you cultivate your garden instead of working on email. I would sacrifice an hour of sleep and wake up early to make you coffee for a change. I would take you for a leisurely drive on a Sunday morning instead of reading the newspaper back to back. Despite how unbearably hot it was, I would hug you while in bed more often. Most of all, I would just spend more time on us than on anything else." It is hard to know that I cannot change my past with Lin. I can never make-up for all those little things that I thought I would have a lifetime to recover.

I wish I could get a do-over button and get the chance to change all the things that could have possibly made a difference. I wish I could have said so many things to Lin, if only I had known that I had but a day left that she was coherent and she knew who I was. I would have made some different choices so she would not have suffered in pain for so long. I would have punched a doctor at RR Hospital; he was big ass. He made Lin cry by withholding medications; afraid she may become "addicted"; like that mattered. I wish Lin would have known how special she was.

Life is strange. It is like a ride on a roller coaster. You are scared to get on the ride when you see the twists, turns, jerking motions and even the speed at which you will travel. Once you are in the ride and buckled down, it does not seem as scary, until you take off. The anticipation that something will happen does not compare to when it actually does. Anticipation gives way to exhilaration, elation and euphoria. Then the ride is over and either you get back in line to take another gander or you sit and watch others engage. The only difference is that in a roller coaster, an engineer designed and built the twists and turns into place and they are quite expected. In real life, there is no such thing. You never know what will be around the corner.

Open your heart and let love in. Open your eyes and see the beauty around you. Listen with your ears, others most likely have something great to say. Take a deep breathe and enjoy all that nature has to give. Out-stretch your arms and hug someone you love; feel their love for you. We get but only one today. Tomorrow you cannot change what happened today. Yesterday is only memory. Change what you can, enjoy your life and smile allot.


I Will Remember You [Sarah McLachlan] dedicated to Lin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nBAJZrVp1k&feature=related

Forever Young - Happy Birthday Lin!

Happy Birthday Lin Poulin!

Mildred Taylor once wrote, "We have no choice of what color we're born or who our parents are or whether we're rich or poor. What we do have is some choice over what we make of our lives once we're here."

You made the most of the life you were given. You possessed a beautiful, loving, caring and nurturing soul. We could not have asked for a more beautiful gift than to have had you as part of our lives. We cherish the memory of you. We miss you terribly!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dV__52qXJc0