It seems that no matter how much time passes, not much changes. I am still here and Lin is still gone. I have been really feeling her loss as of late. Lin has been gone 632 days and it still seems like yesterday at times.
As the job scene has been slow and no real prospects on the horizon, I had to make the decision to down-size. When your loved one is alive, you make plans, life is grand and you move on with plans together. You never think what it will be like if they are gone. What was once manageable, it becomes a challenge.
Getting the house, our house ready to sell, has stirred so many emotions, I thought they had died as well. I can't seem to shake this feeling. It is like I just heard that she has cancer for the first time. I still have this long journey to travel before things change again.
So much has happened in a short time, I keep thinking that the pain of her death will one day become less. I don't know if there is a timetable, I keep wishing there was a book to follow. Some days are better than others and I am thankful for that. This move has forced me to deal with things that I had simply pushed away and did not deal with. I never, ever, thought that I would ever leave that place, our place. It is after all where we intended to retire.
Nobody tells you how hard life will be, coping and dealing with the sad, in your face reality of life on your own. I desperately need purpose in my life. I keep thinking that I need to define a new a career for myself, one that actually has purpose. I wonder what that would be.
It seems impossible that it is now just three months short of two years of Lin's passing.
