I was in the bedroom a minute ago and I looked around. Not much has changed there except the orientation of our bed. That has changed a couple of times since you left. Neither you or I ever moved them, our families did this for us, both when you were ill and when I took a dive from the ladder. All else is pretty much the same. I even found a big dust bunny tonight when I had to go behind the dresser to plug in light that has not been used since you left; I think the dust bunny is too big for the vacuum, it must be a year old now.
I'm sort of glad that I had to endure my own physical pain this year because then it made me think of you and even get a little mad at you. Although, I have to say, that there were many days that I was really pissed at you! When I first fell my first thought was of you and that I needed to call you. You were not here. When I got to the hospital, I half way believed that you would materialize and I would not have to keep repeating myself; you would be there to help me; you did not show. When I awoke from surgery, I kept thinking of you and hoping that you somehow would think of me and be there, that did not happen. The realization that you would not ever be for me again came when I came out of my haze, my fog.
You were gone for keeps. You would not return to me out of love, out of guilt, out of friendship; you simply would not return. That was the most rotten three weeks of my life. To sit there and have to smile for visitors and just lay there and think of you not coming back to be with me was almost unbearable. No matter what happened, for that day forward I knew I could not wish you back. I was on my own. I must have been in some kind of shock from October through April. This was the first time that I was ever mad at you for leaving. Before that time, I tried my best to reason and understand.
Funny, I either stay awake past 1:30am or wake up in time to see the clock change. When I laid by your bedside, you always woke up at 1:30am. I was so tired then, I just did what I had to do to get to the next day. Now I just think of all the time I could have actually spoken with you instead of wanting to go back to bed. Life was cruel then and it really has not been very nice at all this whole year.
I am over being mad at you now. I still feel a lot of guilt for things that I did not do, say or otherwise think about then. I know it is stupid, but it happens. Tonight, I have been dreading today for a long time. I don't know if something magical is supposed to happen or what, but I have had a fear of this day for a long time. Even after my accident and knowing that you would not return, there is something about this day; I can't put my finger on it. Maybe I am afraid that I will forget you. That somehow I will start to go on with my life as I have already tried and I forget you. I know I can't; we buried you on my birthday. How could I ever forget that? At 9:30am you will have been gone a year.
Your family and I talk and keep your memory alive. It is very hard talking about you. It is like you die all over again every time we talk about your last days here. But that is what we have in common. It was very hard, difficult to talk to one another right after you passed. Marlene and I were mad at each other. It was for all the wrong reasons, but they seemed so valid to both of us at the time. We have worked our way past that for some time now. You have a new niece now; Marlene is a grandma. We have talked about that recently. The little girl, at two months, likes to talk on the phone to your Mom. We think it is you re-incarnated. You were always on the phone to your Mom or Sister!
I finally sold your car. I did not get to take it for a last ride. I had to have follow-up surgery. This time, I did not look for you. A nice lady from Borne, JP, bought it. Her husband fixed radiation machines. I had just put the for sale sign on your car and I decided to drive it to the grocery store for whatever reason (I had not been gro shopping in a year!). I parked it on the far side of the lot where it could be seen from the road. JP and her husband were driving by on their way to a family reunion. They decided to stop and shop. JP had bought some boots for Halloween and told her husband she needed a sexy convertible to drive. They pulled up next to your car and wa-la, it was for sale. They called me while I was in the store. They test drove it on their way back through and called me on their way home; they wanted to buy her. Well you baby is in good hands now.
I have had too much time to sit and think this year. It made me think of what you must have gone through and all you had to deal with, mine was a cake walk next to yours. You never complained, not even once.
You never complained. All that time that you must have felt like crap; all the time that you spent alone while I went to work, you never complained. If I could turn the clock around for even one day, there are some may things I would change. The biggest being, that I would go back to the Wednesday before you died and I would not be mad at you because you did not remember who I was or because you wanted to smoke. Stupid crap huh? I would get over it and sit with you, just sit with you. I know your past was not free of pain or worry either, I wish I would have met you earlier in life.
I don't know what tomorrow morning will bring, if anything. I know that you will not be with me physically. But you remain in my heart, in my thoughts and in my soul. I think part of me died with you and part of you now lives in me. Is that possible?
If it seems that I am all over the place, I am. You used to tell me how smart I was, well, I think I have scrambled eggs for a brain, since you left. Some days I do not want to get out of bed and others I just do. Some days I can't remember what I did the day before and others, well, thank God I keep a calendar.
I am not mad at you for leaving anymore. I am just extremely sad that you died and you will not return. My heart aches to look into your blue eyes again, to touch your fine and silky hair and to lie next to you at night and to wake to you in the morning. I long to talk to you and tell about my day. I wish you could tell me what you think about the decisions that I am making. You are still the first person that I think about when anything happens. I wish I could hear you laugh one more time. I wish I could tell you that I love you, once more.
Lin once asked me. "When everything is stressful and hard and it seems like the world is closing in, what do you do?" I told her that I put on my headphones and listened to the song below, over and over. I would not let anything change my world. I have control, just wishful thinking. Well, we know that this is not true, but it is how I got through many rough days and nights.
Rest in peace, my love ...rest in peace. I love you Lil'B!!
The Beatles - Across The Universe
Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me
Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe
Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe
Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Jai guru deva
Jai guru deva
