I was getting dressed the other day; I am still not able to sleep nights despite taking Ambien. As I sat on the bed and started to put on my socks, I remembered how Lin used to get out of bed and sit next to me and talk to me about her plans for the day, ask me about mine. For a moment, time stood still. This is the fourth Friday anniversary of her death. I miss her pleasant quiet voice in the mornings saying good morning; her thoughtfulness to get out of bed even though she did not have to in order to make me coffee for my drive to work. I miss her cuddling up next to me in the mornings and asking me to stay in bed five more minutes. There will never be enough time to say goodbye to your loved one. Worship every moment that you get; make the most of it.
The Friday she died time stood still. I don't know if that happens in order for a person to process everything that is going on or if it just happens because your brain cannot comprehend just what is happening around you. I remember the talking in the background, music playing, the smell of coffee in the air. I heard birds chirping outside and the sound of a car as it drove by. I remember her mom holding a tissue in her hand and turning it over and over, just fiddling with it. Mostly, I remember the rhythmic sounds of Lin's breathing and my anticipation of her next breathe. Have you ever watched a movie and someone is holding their breathe as they are going to dive into water or something of that nature and you find yourself holding your breathe as well with them? I could not hold my breathe, I did not understand how Lin continued to breathe over and over again. I remember the moment that Bonnie shook her head to indicate that Lin had died. I would have gladly given my life for hers at that moment. It all comes back to me, frame by frame.
The pain has not diminished. There are days when life is normal; I laugh and I remember my love for Lin and hers for me. I remember her laughing; I smell someone smoking a cigarette and think of her. I used to loathe the smell. I remember that her favorite Christmas movies were "A Christmas Story" and "The Grinch That Stole Christmas", the Jim Carey version and I smile. Then there are the moments that I am cleaning the kitchen sink or reminding myself that I need to take a shower and I feel a stabbing pain in my chest, breathing becomes hard; I fall apart. I remember how she loved me in her own ways and I fall apart again, for no reason again. I want to throw myself on the floor and writhe in the pain as if it will bring her back again. I believed in her love; our love; the love we gave each other. I know I will not ever love anyone that way again; the we loved one another, our world together; I know I almost touched heaven. Once you feel a love so real and lose love is to know that you will never feel it the same way again.
I was not ready to say good-bye to Lin. No matter how many times the nurses told me that she would pass away any time; I guess I just did not want to hear it. I did not have the conversations with Lin that I needed to. I did not say what I needed to say. We were both too scared to talk about death and dying and the inevitable loss that I would experience when she was gone. I think she did not want to cause me any more pain than what I was already feeling and I did not want to burden her with more pain than the physical pain that she was already feeling. Instead, I was falling in love with her all over again I wanted to court her; I wanted to tell her I had a crush on her; that she was cute; I did not want to talk to her about funerals, possessions and the ache that I felt in my heart, the inevitable pain of loneliness that would take me over today, yesterday, tomorrow. I wanted to talk about the magic of the love that I felt in my heart the moment I saw the child in her eyes but she was regressing and was slowly forgetting me. I was losing her slowly each day. I wanted to say good-bye but could not find the words or the right time. I had stupidly put my head above my heart.
Alex and I went by her grave today and left her roses and rose pedals. We talked to Lin of our Thanksgiving dinner together. We shared with her the prayer that we had asked God the evening before. I asked God to take Lin and into his hands, touch her heart, her wings and allow us to feel her presence; that we may know she and others that had passed on before her were now in a better place.
My feelings are all over the place today and I am sure that I am not making much sense today. There are so many things that I would do all over again, much differently. There are many others that I would not change as I would not have otherwise met or known Lin, felt her love. I appreciate the pain at times as it makes the feelings of love go that much deeper. There are hours when they seem they will last forever and I never want to feel that pain again, but then I remember the minutes like our sitting on the bed as I put on my socks and wish they would never have ended.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3D2DDxD1m0&feature=relatedCeline Dion
Because You Loved Me
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I could'nt speak
You were my eyes when I could'nt see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I could'nt reach
You gave me faith coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
got to thank Kandi for all her hard work! She ran a 26 MILE marathon on November 15 and told us that Lin served as her inspiration. She ran with a picture of Lin pinned to her shirt. She told me that at one point, she was in pain, but felt for Lin's picture and thought if Lin endured the pain that she did in dealing with cancer, then she could force herself to push on as well. 
all as well. 
all as well. 
