When someone dies many things happen. People become aggressive, people become passive. They yell and scream, they crawl in a corner and cry. One thing I do know as well, money and possessions is something that all the sudden becomes paramount and oh so important.
I deleted a comment today and decided to re-post it. This speaks volumes.
"I really don't want to get into this, but I have some strong feelings with the "BLOG". I don't think Lin would want Roni to talk "negative" about her Mom & sister. I was told by Lin, that she wanted $"XX" of the disability to go to her Mom.AND I think that since Roni & Lin were not "legally" married, all of the disability money-legally goes to "next of kin" (which would be Lin's Mother). So, I am not sure how Roni even cashed the disability check in the first place. A bit confusing I might say. Also, from what Lin told me, her sister (Marlene) was suppose to get all of Lin's personal belongings (with the exception of items she & Roni had already discussed). To this day Marlene has not received anything, except a few items."
I love my wife with all my mind, body and soul. I did and continue to do everything I can to make her happy, to do what would make her happy.
When the chips were down, I did the wrong thing and decided to immerse myself in work so I would not have to deal with "the cancer"; but you can't run away from it. Ultimately we took it on together. I changed my life to accommodate the fact that things would be different in the future for us, what we thought would be our future. I changed jobs so I could spend more time with her. I changed my 401K contributions to help accommodate for additional monies for treatments, things insurance would not cover and things to make us comfortable. I traded down my truck to reduce costs. I took on loans to make sure that she would be taken care of no matter what. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her; let me say that again, for her, not anyone else.
Something happens when someone dies; it gets really messy dealing with all the left over, grief, unresolved feelings, resentment, guilt there are other words, but you probably already know what they are and where this is going.
I am lucky Lin and I went and had a will made for her when she was of sound mind and body. And even still, it is not enough. I bought her a digital recorder and asked her to go room to room and tell me of anything she wanted anyone to have, she said no, she had already addressed that in her will.
The "Will" is a legally binding document. The will speaks now for Lin, even when I can't. I have taken time off of work to deal with these legal issues, gone before a judge and swore that I would uphold the letter of the will. I have done so with respect to Lin and have not swayed from that. I cannot change or challenge that which is set forth by the will without legal arbitration. Who has the extra funds for that? Who wants to go against what she wanted?
I mean no disrespect to anyone, I am simply stating facts as they occur. Lin made amends with her family prior to her death. I am not there yet. I used the word meddling the other day, maybe it was too strong, either way, I know that I am out additional attorney fees, that I do not have to spare from my pocket, to engage him to ensure that any funds that are made available by any means are FIRST and FOREMOST applied to her estate; the way she wanted it.
Actions taken by others did infuriate me, I will be honest. I told them so directly. That they did not trust that I would do the right thing and somehow go behind their back.... that is not me, never has been, never will be.
To address possessions, yes those dreaded little household and personal items that make a house a home...our home. What would you do if someone was ready to come to your house with boxes, the day after you buried your loved one, your wife and take everything away that represented your loved one's life? Not over my dead body. It was not because I did not want anyone to have anything, but because I was not ready to say goodbye to my wife - I still am not ready. I did give Lin's family the more personal items that she loved and held special. I regret that I kept only two items, but they are personal enough and I am glad I did not part with them (jewelry). I also expressed that if I did send anything, it would be 6 months plus. Guess what? Good thing, because I had to take inventory for her estate! The creditors are after EVERYTHING.
The person who wrote the comment says that I am disrespecting Lin's family and that Lin would not want for me to write what I am writing, that I should let this go. She says that I should write this in a journal and burn it. What say you? Yes, this is very personal. I am surprised at items that I blog about, but it does help me to write and from email that I get, it seems to helps others.
Before she passed, Lin asked me to write her story, good, bad and indifferent. She said that maybe someone would benefit knowing what she went through and maybe she could save someone. It has taken me a long time to get here, where I am now. But, thank to Bonnie (our RN from hospice) maybe I can do it. She gave me an awesome book that I can use as a guide.
So, I am asking for input.
What should I do?
Write in a journal and burn it? Let it go? Or, move forward with writing Lin's Story, which the title indicates.
I think Bonnie hit the nail on the head the other day when she said that she could pinpoint the day that I started writing differently, writing because Lin was reading the blog and when I started writing about Lin and what was happening in our lives. I am currently writing a different chapter, my current life. I seem to have written about during and now after, should I delve into before?
Drop me a note, I am interested to know what you think.
