Sleepless in Austin

Have you ever gotten out of bed and felt like crap? You force yourself to jump in the shower, grab a cup of coffee maybe some toast, get in your car and head for the office. The whole time your driving you keep thinking you don't want to talk to anyone, just get to your desk, do some email, work on your projects and basically just get through the day. But the first thing that happens is that you run into cheery Joe, "top of the morning! How are you feeling today?"

Those are the days that I want to just stick my head in the proverbial sand. I know everyone is well intentioned and all, but I find myself in this position allot lately. How are you doing? Well I just lost my spouse permanently, not because she wanted to go, believe me she told me. I just buried her a little under a week ago...blah...blah..blah. How would you respond? I know this will be hard for people to understand but I find myself at a loss for words.

This all still feels surreal. I keep expecting Lin to walk in the door. I pressed the button today to listen to messages and there was her voice. "Hi Honey! Boy this message sounds horrible. You need to rerecord it. Call me!" Makes me want to pick up the phone, however, I don't think the AT&T tower can handle the call.

I went to the dentist Monday as I lost a crown. He convinced me that I needed to come in for a check up as it had been a while. As the dental hygienist was cleaning my teeth, she kept commenting on how well they looked considering. I finally asked her just how long it had been since I had been in; she smiled, 19 months. Right around the time that Lin was first diagnosed with cancer. In the next couple of weeks I will have two root canals and two bridges put in. I had not realized just how much I had neglected myself. No wonder Lin kept reminding me to take better care of myself and not to worry about her.

I went to the lawyer office on Wednesday and spent several hours at the social security office. I found out a little bit about "joint tenancy". I would suggest that you look at your bank accounts and real estate records and find out how they are set up (talk to your lawyer, my interpretation my be incorrect). It is a form of ownership by two or more individuals together. It differs from other types of co-ownership in that the surviving joint tenant immediately becomes the owner of the whole property upon the death of the other joint tenant. This is called a Right of Survivorship. If you do not have this...oh my. There is something called tenancy in common. It is another form of co-ownership. It is the ownership of an asset by two or more individuals together, but without the rights of survivorship that are found in a joint tenancy. Upon the death of one co-owner, his or her interest will not pass to the surviving owner or owners but will pass according to his or will. If there is no will, his or her share will pass according to the law determining heirs. If you are gay, have tenancy in common and do not have a will, your spouse will not have any legal rights! I thank Lin for putting her will together last year!! By the way social security works along the same line, surviving heirs or will; however a gay spouse is not entitled to any death benefits regardless of how much your spouse contributed to the system.

I hope that someone can benefit from what Lin and I have experienced. I never knew death could take such a toll on a person; the dying or the living. I have experienced death in my family before but never knew it so intimately.

I keep reliving the last week of Lin's life. Each time the reel plays in my head I do things differently, but no matter what the movie ends the same. I see different parts of our past, kind of like the chapter breakout on a DVD; I relive those times as well. I get mad at things that I said, that I should have said and for the times that I should have just listened.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWwRb2A9idY

Barbara Streisand
Why Did I Choose You?

Why did I choose you?
What did I see in you?
I saw the heart you hide so well
I saw a quiet "woman" who had a gentle way
A way that caught me in it’s glowing spell
Why did I want you?
What could you offer me?
A love to last a life time through
And when I lost my heart so many years ago,
I lost it lovingly and willingly to you...
If I had to choose again,
I would still choose you...

Walking Down a Different Path

It is hard for me to believe that it has been 10 days since Lin passed away and 5 days since we placed her ashes at her grave site. So much has happened since then and yet nothing that has had the significance or impact of those two events.

The nights are the worst; they crawl slowly past. I watch old movies, new movies, movies that we watched together, and some she would never watch (she disliked foreign films with subtitles). I read newspapers, books, bibles, and browse through what seems to be endless Internet sites. I don't know what it is that I will find or for what I search; but I have yet to find it.

I feel like I am living inside of a fish tank. The people on the outside are living, breathing, conversing and going about their day, their existence. I cannot jump out; I cannot communicate; I cannot join them in their lives...I only swim in my little box and watch life happen around me.

I have experienced guilt, remorse, regret, anger, anguish, and emptiness, sometimes all at once. When I get to the empty part, that does not seem to last long as I go back and start all over again. I look to the day when the cycle will break.

I guess the living have it a little harder after the fact. We have to figure out how to cope with life and continue to move forward. Don't get me wrong, I know Lin was in pain before she died, I do not mean to belittle that one bit. She was the strongest person that I have ever met. I have to hand it to her, if it is one thing that she had; it was the will to live. She out lived every prediction every time, except the last. I wish I possessed her strength, mine seems to have dwindled in time.

The living, the survivors, must deal with all the messiness of our loved one's passing. The legal ramifications are one thing, especially if you are gay. We have to deal with every day things that one does not normally think about. Under whose name is the electric bill? Do you need a death certificate to change the account to your name even if you have been paying the account all along? What about credit cards...if they are not in your name, do you have to pay them? You better talk to your lawyer...that one is an "if" statement. I found out this weekend we ( I guess this now means me and the dogs now) are low on propane. I don't know who to call or how long it will take get the tank filled. The pool needs tending, how much muratic acid do I put in there and when? Oh, yeah I almost forgot, that I have to hook up a hose and do something else to it, but I will be damned if I can remember.

I did laundry today. This was a first in years. Lin took very good care of me. I brought home the bacon; she took care of the household and us. I feel lucky that I did not end up with anything pink. Grocery shopping...I had started doing the shopping a while back as her stamina had decreased, problem is that I keep thinking of her favorite items and brands when I shop.

I know that I will have to go through all of Lin's things sometime. I was forced to start the process when her family was here. When I mention the gay and the legal thing; do yourself a favor and get a will, you can thank me later. Everyone gets highly emotional and not everyone will think rationally. The will can be of help, especially if you are the person leaving the will. Do not leave it up to your executor to decide who gets what; write it down, use a recorder, video tape it, do anything that will make it clear what your wishes and intentions are. You loved ones will thank you and sing your praises.

I don't know what an appropriate time is to "clean house" sort of speak. I guess that it comes with time. I will know when I am ready. I am still in the looking at pictures and remembering the past phase, if there is such a thing. There are so many things to do, but I cannot bring myself to do some of them. Allison reminded me the other day that I need to do the necessary things such as paying the electric bill, etc. She even sent me a list of things to do today. Whatever would I do without such friends? (Yes, Allison I made all the appointments! I go to the doctor tomorrow morning.) (Genny that was for you too!)

It is so easy to forget about yourself when you are caring for others. Their needs are greater and immediate so you put yours to the back burner. You must be careful, however, only a couple of pots fit on the stove; you can lose track of what you have on the fire.

My thoughts do not seam to be streaming rationally. I feel like I know what it is like to have ADD. I cannot concentrate on anything too long. In the time that it has taken me to write this, I have folded two loads of wash, gone through a pile of bills, insurance papers and social security stuff that I have to deal with. Sometimes I just stare into space, not a thought in mind, just observation of what is going on about me (I call it the fish tank stare). Can you deposit a check if it is made to a deceased person? Need to add the bank to my to do list.

I am sure that life will go back to normal, whatever new standard that may be, sometime in the future. For now, I go to bed after 5:30am (I used to give Lin meds throughout the night and wake to tend to her needs on a schedule). If I can get to sleep with aid of a sleeping pill then I find that I wake every hour until I finally give up and just lay in bed; on those days I am awake by 5:30am, but just lay int bed. Some days I just do not want to get out of bed, but force myself to at least get dressed and move about the house. I know have to get back into a normal schedule as work will soon be very demanding.

Lin and I are walking down different paths; we are worlds apart. I always thought we would grow old together and walk hand in hand down the beach, her other love. For now, she will get to enjoy the surf and sea on her own and wait until I can catch up to her in the future.