Wednesday, March 4, 2009

It has been a while...


Time has passed so quickly, yet it seems to stand still. It has now been what seems to be a lifetime since Lin passed away. I keep wondering if my life will always be measured by the number of days since Lin died...4 months and 5 days OR 125 days, or 17 weeks, or 3000 hours, or 180,000 minutes, give or take a few minutes....but who is counting right? Right...

It has been unusual as of late. It seems that it was easier to deal with life right after she died. Maybe I was numb or maybe it is because I did not have time to process her passing. I don't know, but I do know that lately it seems that I am sucking on one large tart candy as I can feel my jaw tighten, my throat restricts, my eyes start to water, I can't swallow and then it becomes hard to breathe. No reason at all for this to happen, she has just been on my mind a bunch lately. Her sobriety birthday is coming around, March 14, is that why I am thinking of her?

I am still dealing with legal stuff, trying to settle her estate. Her Mom and sister called me to tell me that they had meddled with social security; they feel entitled to the money she was to receive from disability. That started additional talks with the attorney - MAN those guys charge you if they fart on your time! I feel guilty that I have not sent them any monetary funds but then I feel mad that they are interfering. Lin did not trust them enough to make them executors. Besides all of this, there is no money. I am still trying to close out on debt, especially medical. Do yourself a favor and keep all your property, real estate and financial as separate as possible, it sure makes it allot easier in the end. The Gay factor does not help one bit, muddies the waters.

I went to South Padre Island with Allison. We went to spread some of Lin's ashes on the beach. I took her very close to the area where she proposed marriage to me, a long term commitment. I thought that it was weird that I was not overwhelmed by emotions when I actually spread her ashes. It has not been until now that it hits me or I talk about it. Even as I write, that damned tart feeling overcomes me. I was glad that I was finally able to take her to the beach, but then that guilt creeps back and it pangs at my chest; I did not get to take her to the beach when she was alive and asking to go. Is this how parents feel when they know a child wants something very badly, but they know that it is out of their reach or control to make it come to fruition? What a hell of a feeling.

I was talking with my friend Meredith he other day. She told me that Lin does not feel guilt, pain, regret, nothing but happiness where she is now; if that is true, I am very glad for Lin. This must be hell on earth then to survive your loved one, because the feelings are intense. I went to the movies with my sister Dora and friend Cara tonight, Perry Tyler's Medea goes to jail. There is a scene in the movie where the women are in prison listening to a converted prostitute speaking about forgiveness. She said that unless you forgive, you are the one that suffers and the person who did you wrong is scott free. I started thinking tonight... will I always suffer the pain of a victim until the time that I forgive myself for all the things that I could not or did not do for Lin?

I was wondering the other day how I would make it to the end of the day... even my performance review reflected my anguish. I received a negative hit because I have not been thinking strategic. Hello! I am trying to make it day to day and seldom think beyond the next couple of hours. Sorry to my friends who like to make plans in advance. And yes I know, my follow through is not what it once was. My level of concentration is being impacted by thoughts of yesteryear and the want for how it used to be and how it will not be that way ever again. I question my every decision and am finding it difficult to make financial determinations. Lin was my moral compass. I was the free spender, take the risk. She always, always, the more cautious one. I can honestly say that I feel lost most of the time. Do you ever get the feeling or remember that panic feeling when you see a cop and look down at your speedometer and think, holy $hit! Multiply that times 10,000 and then you start to feel how different life is for me now; I experience this feeling several times a day.

It is almost that time again. Most nights, I am still either awake or can't go to sleep or if I manage to fall asleep; I wake up for 1:30 am. Lin always awoke at this time; I would administer meds and talk to her or stroke her soft blonde hair until she fell asleep again. Like a new mother, I would then stay awake to make sure she would sleep for a while. Now I just stay up, update facebook, read, light a candle for Lin or just lay in bed thinking.

Well enough of the gloom and doom for one evening. I hope to go to her grave site soon and update some pics as her engraved headstone was put in place sometime back. I took pictures, but my iphone and this Dell computer do not like one another. He resting spot is a good place to go for peace and tranquility from time to time.

Please feel free to leave comments or let me know of different topics you may want to see.

U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fBj2wsimvQ

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I'm still running

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for...