Thursday and Friday were event filled days.
I went to the lawyers office. It is horrible that in this day and age gay people do not have the same civil rights as everyone else. I had to go and ensure that our interests were indeed addressed by the will that we had drawn up when we found out about the cancer almost two years ago. The lawyer advised that everything looked in order as far as the will; however, we have to look for precedent, etc on how to address real estate as we are both on the deeds. We are not sure how this will be looked at or handled considering we could not be legally married. That was a stress filled event, both prior and at the time of the appointment.
Lin woke up at 5am and was full of energy. She had to go outside. Alyssa was a big help while she was here! I hated to wake her so early, but I needed help. Getting her dressed is a big chore now. She ate breakfast and lunch and then crashed. She slept all afternoon and woke only for a few minutes in the evening.
She awoke at 2:30 am, Friday morning and wanted to go outside. Marti and Marlene took the night shift from me and they had "fun" convincing her that it was not a good idea as it was cold and too early.
Eric arrived at 7am for the morning shift, woke the girls up! I came down the stairs worried that no one had started administering morphine before her normal meds were due. Someone told me to go back to bed, they were on it. It is hard to rest not knowing if Lin is being tended to in the same manner that I have been addressing her needs. I was half awake / sleep listening to the monitor and could hear that both Marti and Marlene were being very attentive.
Thank goodness Eric was in, he helped to literally pick Lin up and move her to her w-chair without aid of the lift.
Genny brought over dinner on Friday, thank you! With Genny providing dinner, we were able to start work on funeral / memorial discussions. This is not an easy task. It is almost like you have to shut down your emotions and think of Lin in terms of a body instead of a living person. Marti did the hard work
We picked a poem for her memorial, it is called "When I'm Gone". I think she made the decision for us a long time away as everything will be themed with either beach or seagulls.
Her mother, sister and I talked about Lin's eventual obituary.
Saturday - Lin's breathing was very shallow this morning, her eyes were very sunken and her hands were drawing inward. She awoke again at 5am. I kept hearing a beeping sound and thought that it was my alarm, it was not. Someone left the refrigerator door open. I walked into Lin's room thinking something was wrong. She asked me to stay with her. I crawled into bed with her (a tight fit) and I had also turned on a Sade CD. We talked about allot of things that we had been avoiding. I also had to remind her that we had already spoken about the fact that she was in the dying process, she does not have allot of time left. We cried together.
After sometime, I went and got some help to get her up. Lin looked more beautiful than she had in a long time. He face was radiating, she had allot of color. The sunken eyes had disappeared. She sat at the breakfast table and ate. She went outdoors and sat with her mom and sister. She crashed around 9am. She slept until 1pm today. She woke up long enough to have some soup for lunch and managed to spill her drink 3 times. She coyly told Laura that she was helping her get ready for eventual child rearing. She fell back to sleep. We put her into bed around 3pm.
Her weekend nurse told us that Lin can go at any time. Her high blood pressure has started to come down. We thought it was a good sign...prior to her eventual passing, her blood pressure will drop and her heart will slow. We are wondering what will happen tonight...
Friday, October 24, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Transition is not just another word
According to Encarta Dictionary , transition is a process or period in which something undergoes a change and passes from one state, stage, form, or activity to another. We, all people, are always in a a transition state. For Lin it is a bit more obvious, now.
I can't believe that last night she was awake and talking to us just like any other day in the past. She was more of a comedian that she has ever been, really funny. Yesterday, she slept from noon to 7:30pm, no one had to prod her to take a nap as in the past, which is usually the case.
I awoke this morning to the sound of her voice calling me to take her to the bathroom. We did our normal routine. I left her to do her business and walked to the front door to let in the sunshine. The season has transformed from summer to autumn, with gloomy skies and cold air blowing. I closed the door rapidly and went back to check on Lin, she looked different somehow.
Alyssa, my niece, came down from Houston to help us as Dora had to go out of town. Alyssa came in the room and helped me to get Lin in her w/chair. Lin had a small yogurt and her pain pills. She asked to be taken outside to drink her coffee on the patio; she loves the outdooors even now.
When I awoke later in the morning, Lin was already napping on the couch. Allison brought over some "stands" that are made to elevate a bed. We put them under the couch legs and now we can put her on the couch to nap anytime she pleases without issue. She napped until noon. I woke her up enough to give her some more pain medication and she again asked to go outside. She lasted only a few minutes, before she fell asleep again. She napped until 7pm when our good friends Jacque and Sarah came by to bring dinner (Thank You!). Lin was very happy to see Jacque as she had not seen her in a while. She even made a wise crack about her coming all the way from South Austin to see her. We dressed her warmly as she again wanted to go outside. Once she came back in 10 minutes later, she passed out again. She has been sleeping soundly since.
I have to admit that I have not been totally honest here as up to now Lin has been reading the blog. The RN told us yesterday that Lin's body is shutting down. She is not getting much circulation in her legs. Her blood pressure has been high for at least 5 days; prior it had been borderline, it was 140/80 today. Her pulse has been hovering around 104 - 123. The tumors on the head have grown to golf ball size and a little larger. Her heart is working hard to keep her alive.
We will be grateful if she makes it past this week; however, we will be thankful to see an end to her pain. It is hard to want her out of pain as this means that her body will no longer be part of this world, our world, my world. I have lost many people in my life, my Grandma when I was 10, Wally when I was 23, Grandpa earlier that same year, my Uncle Manual a couple of years later and my Dad when I was 36. These were people who were in my life daily for many years. I have only been with Lin, known her for 9 years, however, it seems like a lifetime. I cannot fathom what is to come next.
As I sit in the office, it overlooks the pool and the backyard. I wondered earlier how I will manage. She is the one that maintained the pool daily and watered her beloved potted plants, there must be 50 of them. She usually talked me into building her a "temporary" green house each year around this time. Each day when I would come home from work she would be outside with her dogs, stereo playing some type of rock music and she would have a water hose in hand, watering plants, putting water in the pool or cleaning leaves from around the patio, or just sitting talking on the phone with her sister Marlene or mother Julie.
Earlier this week Lin, Julie and I spoke about funeral arrangements. She wants to be cremated. We all found an urn on-line, it is so her. Blue with silver seagulls flying home. The larger one will stay in Austin, and a smaller replica will go with her mother to buried with her father in Canada. Martie has been so helpful, she is checking into funeral homes and the likes for me.
When my grandma died, I felt a great sense of loss for many years. She was my rock, my port in a storm. I could always go to grandma for help and protection. I laid in bed with Lin today and I was overwhelmed with an even greater sense of loss as she is my best friend, confidant, my love; she owns my heart. She has not been with us for several days. There are minutes of clarity but mostly incoherent muttering that is hard to understand. I feel as I have been losing pieces of her with each passing day. Although her body is still present, I think her soul has already started to pass.
In one of her clear moments today she told me that a blue bird keeps coming to visit her when she is outside. She says that it is her dad coming to be with her. I told her that she should fly away with her dad if that is what she feels. I think she is waiting for her sister to come back tomorrow from Canada, to say goodbye.
I have the baby monitor in the office with me so I can write tonight. I can hear the oxygen machine humming, the sounds of the ocean and seagulls from a CD and I can hear her gasp for air about every thirty seconds.
I heard this song earlier today and thought of Lin (Artist : Tim McGraw Title : Live Like You Were Dying)
He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
I can't believe that last night she was awake and talking to us just like any other day in the past. She was more of a comedian that she has ever been, really funny. Yesterday, she slept from noon to 7:30pm, no one had to prod her to take a nap as in the past, which is usually the case.
I awoke this morning to the sound of her voice calling me to take her to the bathroom. We did our normal routine. I left her to do her business and walked to the front door to let in the sunshine. The season has transformed from summer to autumn, with gloomy skies and cold air blowing. I closed the door rapidly and went back to check on Lin, she looked different somehow.
Alyssa, my niece, came down from Houston to help us as Dora had to go out of town. Alyssa came in the room and helped me to get Lin in her w/chair. Lin had a small yogurt and her pain pills. She asked to be taken outside to drink her coffee on the patio; she loves the outdooors even now.
When I awoke later in the morning, Lin was already napping on the couch. Allison brought over some "stands" that are made to elevate a bed. We put them under the couch legs and now we can put her on the couch to nap anytime she pleases without issue. She napped until noon. I woke her up enough to give her some more pain medication and she again asked to go outside. She lasted only a few minutes, before she fell asleep again. She napped until 7pm when our good friends Jacque and Sarah came by to bring dinner (Thank You!). Lin was very happy to see Jacque as she had not seen her in a while. She even made a wise crack about her coming all the way from South Austin to see her. We dressed her warmly as she again wanted to go outside. Once she came back in 10 minutes later, she passed out again. She has been sleeping soundly since.
I have to admit that I have not been totally honest here as up to now Lin has been reading the blog. The RN told us yesterday that Lin's body is shutting down. She is not getting much circulation in her legs. Her blood pressure has been high for at least 5 days; prior it had been borderline, it was 140/80 today. Her pulse has been hovering around 104 - 123. The tumors on the head have grown to golf ball size and a little larger. Her heart is working hard to keep her alive.
We will be grateful if she makes it past this week; however, we will be thankful to see an end to her pain. It is hard to want her out of pain as this means that her body will no longer be part of this world, our world, my world. I have lost many people in my life, my Grandma when I was 10, Wally when I was 23, Grandpa earlier that same year, my Uncle Manual a couple of years later and my Dad when I was 36. These were people who were in my life daily for many years. I have only been with Lin, known her for 9 years, however, it seems like a lifetime. I cannot fathom what is to come next.
As I sit in the office, it overlooks the pool and the backyard. I wondered earlier how I will manage. She is the one that maintained the pool daily and watered her beloved potted plants, there must be 50 of them. She usually talked me into building her a "temporary" green house each year around this time. Each day when I would come home from work she would be outside with her dogs, stereo playing some type of rock music and she would have a water hose in hand, watering plants, putting water in the pool or cleaning leaves from around the patio, or just sitting talking on the phone with her sister Marlene or mother Julie.
Earlier this week Lin, Julie and I spoke about funeral arrangements. She wants to be cremated. We all found an urn on-line, it is so her. Blue with silver seagulls flying home. The larger one will stay in Austin, and a smaller replica will go with her mother to buried with her father in Canada. Martie has been so helpful, she is checking into funeral homes and the likes for me.
When my grandma died, I felt a great sense of loss for many years. She was my rock, my port in a storm. I could always go to grandma for help and protection. I laid in bed with Lin today and I was overwhelmed with an even greater sense of loss as she is my best friend, confidant, my love; she owns my heart. She has not been with us for several days. There are minutes of clarity but mostly incoherent muttering that is hard to understand. I feel as I have been losing pieces of her with each passing day. Although her body is still present, I think her soul has already started to pass.
In one of her clear moments today she told me that a blue bird keeps coming to visit her when she is outside. She says that it is her dad coming to be with her. I told her that she should fly away with her dad if that is what she feels. I think she is waiting for her sister to come back tomorrow from Canada, to say goodbye.
I have the baby monitor in the office with me so I can write tonight. I can hear the oxygen machine humming, the sounds of the ocean and seagulls from a CD and I can hear her gasp for air about every thirty seconds.
I heard this song earlier today and thought of Lin (Artist : Tim McGraw Title : Live Like You Were Dying)
He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Transformations
It is astonishing to me how much can take place inside of 24 hours. My family came over to cook and spend time with Lin, her Mom and me. Allison made a special delivery of dinner for Monday with desert. Bonnie, our weekday RN provided me with some new news.
Marti, her daughter from New Mexico, Felisha, Marti's son Art, his wife Erin, their son Alex, Dora, Eric, his wife Lori, their son Corbin, Julie, Lin and I all got together for supper. All the girls cooked up a storm, BBQ chicken, sausage, pasta salad, home-made beans, brisket, peach and blueberry cobbler, etc. There was enough food for what seemed an army. Everyone showed up around 4pm; Lin was already exhausted. She wanted everyone at the house, however tired she was. Dora got a plate of food to her, next thing you know Lin is feeding herself a helping of cobbler and ice cream, she skipped the main meal and went straight for the sugar.
Lin legs started hurting more than usual on Saturday. By Sunday they were aching her. This is being caused by the pressure on the nerve endings on her spine. She says it feels like someone is repeatedly stabbing her legs. The amount of oral morphine has increased. The amount of time that she is cognizant has decreased. By 8pm each night she has checked out. She will wake a couple of times throughout the night and in need of pain meds although the schedule calls for 8am dosages. I supplement oral morphine until I am able to give her the normal dosage of medications. I wish I had more training in this but it is pretty much play by ear and take some calculated risks. I call the RN on call if I am really struggling with what to do.
This morning I woke her early to give her oral morphine and she needed to go to the bathroom. Her knees are so banged up, they stay black and blue; her forearms along the bottom side have the same problem. In order to transfer her from the chair to the toilet she must pull herself up and spin around. With the power leaving her legs, they sometimes buckle and she hits her knees on the front of the toilet. Once she is ready to leave she must put all her weight on forearms to pull herself up and complete a reversal of the procedure once again. This is the same process each time she is ready to transfer to chair, bed, etc. This morning proved to be very taxing on her and she ran out of energy by noon.
When the RN came by today. She put in an order for an oxygen tank and a wheelchair sling.
I warmed up the Shepard's pie that Allison made us. What a treat, we all enjoyed it! Art came over to help me figure out how to use the hoist (the equipment usually is delivered and you have to figure out how to use it all). The first sling we put Lin into, did not work. She started slipping through the opening intended for use in the restroom!! The second one was smaller and worked better, however the harness used for the legs was causing her discomfort as it was digging into her from behind the knees. Marti brought over her sewing machine to make some padded covers, they worked like a charm. Dora and Julie swung into high gear to modify some of Lin's night wear so we can more readily use the new tool. It was like Santa's workshop.
The sling is allowing us to move Lin from the w/chair to another location by placing her on sling and then lift her on a hydraulic hoist and move her suspended in the air, kind of like a chair hammock on wheels. I put the oxygen on her tonight. Everything is changing so fast. It has been only 52 days since we returned from our vacation...all was well then.
Marti, her daughter from New Mexico, Felisha, Marti's son Art, his wife Erin, their son Alex, Dora, Eric, his wife Lori, their son Corbin, Julie, Lin and I all got together for supper. All the girls cooked up a storm, BBQ chicken, sausage, pasta salad, home-made beans, brisket, peach and blueberry cobbler, etc. There was enough food for what seemed an army. Everyone showed up around 4pm; Lin was already exhausted. She wanted everyone at the house, however tired she was. Dora got a plate of food to her, next thing you know Lin is feeding herself a helping of cobbler and ice cream, she skipped the main meal and went straight for the sugar.
Lin legs started hurting more than usual on Saturday. By Sunday they were aching her. This is being caused by the pressure on the nerve endings on her spine. She says it feels like someone is repeatedly stabbing her legs. The amount of oral morphine has increased. The amount of time that she is cognizant has decreased. By 8pm each night she has checked out. She will wake a couple of times throughout the night and in need of pain meds although the schedule calls for 8am dosages. I supplement oral morphine until I am able to give her the normal dosage of medications. I wish I had more training in this but it is pretty much play by ear and take some calculated risks. I call the RN on call if I am really struggling with what to do.
This morning I woke her early to give her oral morphine and she needed to go to the bathroom. Her knees are so banged up, they stay black and blue; her forearms along the bottom side have the same problem. In order to transfer her from the chair to the toilet she must pull herself up and spin around. With the power leaving her legs, they sometimes buckle and she hits her knees on the front of the toilet. Once she is ready to leave she must put all her weight on forearms to pull herself up and complete a reversal of the procedure once again. This is the same process each time she is ready to transfer to chair, bed, etc. This morning proved to be very taxing on her and she ran out of energy by noon.
When the RN came by today. She put in an order for an oxygen tank and a wheelchair sling.
I warmed up the Shepard's pie that Allison made us. What a treat, we all enjoyed it! Art came over to help me figure out how to use the hoist (the equipment usually is delivered and you have to figure out how to use it all). The first sling we put Lin into, did not work. She started slipping through the opening intended for use in the restroom!! The second one was smaller and worked better, however the harness used for the legs was causing her discomfort as it was digging into her from behind the knees. Marti brought over her sewing machine to make some padded covers, they worked like a charm. Dora and Julie swung into high gear to modify some of Lin's night wear so we can more readily use the new tool. It was like Santa's workshop.
The sling is allowing us to move Lin from the w/chair to another location by placing her on sling and then lift her on a hydraulic hoist and move her suspended in the air, kind of like a chair hammock on wheels. I put the oxygen on her tonight. Everything is changing so fast. It has been only 52 days since we returned from our vacation...all was well then.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Sunday, again.
Time seems to fly these days. Fran packed up and whisked away after a short visit. I went to the doctor's office for my own personal health issues. Lin had two uneventful showers. My sister Dora arrived to help out, she will be with us for a while. Lin and her mom were picked up for a tea and lunch. TK volunteered to watch Lin so Art could over to help me mend the fence and a couple of items that I have not been able to get to for while; we have an escape artist, Chickl'e. Marti came over, put down the top on the Mustang and kidnapped Lin's mom for a half day of shopping as she had not been out since she arrived. Lin received a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers and a magnificent gift certificate from my BA team! Betty came in last night and prepared one of Lin's favorite meals. JJ and Karen came over to join us for dinner - whew, just writing this makes me tired!
My sister Dora has generously volunteered to stay with us for as long as we need her help. I know this is a burden for her as she has her own life to live. Everyone has been so kind it still amazes us.
Linda came by to pick up Lin and Julie for tea and lunch. It took us a while to get her in the car, but she was able to enjoy a couple of hours with Linda, her husband and TK. She was worn out after two hours and had to come home. Lin spoke of the outing several times after she came home. She loved the style of Linda's home, said it reminded her of our favorite B&B at south Padre, Casa de Siesta.
TK stayed with Lin most of the day yesterday as Art helped me to mend our fence. We had to remove pickets to secure the railing to the fence posts with long threaded lag bolts. I think if a strong wind were to blow, it would have tipped over. You invest allot of money on a fence, however, you don't always get what you pay for. Thank you Art for helping me to secure the fence.
I am astounded by the amount of time that it takes to watch over Lin, still. Between transferring from her w-chair to the couch, to the recliner, to the bathroom, to the bed, outside, get her drinks, clothe her, give her meds, etc.; we cannot leave her alone. She does not have the strength to move under her own power so she is at our mercy to get her where she wants to go. I can only imagine how this affects her. TK - thank you for "sitting" with Lin yesterday.
Chickl'e raised a scuttle yesterday while we were working on the fence; that usually means that someone is at the front door. We received a lovely bouquet of flowers from my work team. What was even more surprising was when we went to open the card, we found a gift certificate from "Eat out In". It was our 8th anniversary of our Holy Union when we found out that the cancer was back. Needless to say, we did not celebrate. My sisters and TK announced yesterday that they will set our dining table and order us a nice meal so we can have a late celebration of our anniversary. Thank you BA TEAM, you have enabled a great memory!
My sister Betty came over last night and made Lin her favorite chicken recipe. The outing for lunch really wore Lin out the day before. I tried in vein to feed her the meal, but she kept falling asleep. She was awake enough to open her eyes fully when Dora made a deal with her though. Eat two more bites of chicken and she could have spice cake with cream cheese topping (thank you Suzanne!). Lin was like a little kid that had just been given the deal of the century. She took a few more bites, but fell asleep before the cake arrived. She woke up enough to insist that she have her cake. Well her mom got a kick out of trying to feed her cake. She had it all over the place! We put Lin to bed shortly thereafter. JJ and Karen came over and were discussing there impending wedding next Saturday. They look so cute together.
Betty stayed the night and made us breakfast. Lin awoke fully alert and ate all of her breakfast. We had a better morning, as I awoke at 7:00 to feed her morphine until she could have her scheduled dose of slow releasing morphine at 8:00. I think the secret is to keep the feeding her very small doses when she is active so that her pain does not spike. Once it does it is very hard to control.
It is noon and I am still in my PJs, again. I was finally able to take a shower last night at 1:00 am. Lin woke up at midnight and wanted to drink hot tea; timing is everything, this was when I was headed for the shower. More later tonight, Allison is on her way over...
My sister Dora has generously volunteered to stay with us for as long as we need her help. I know this is a burden for her as she has her own life to live. Everyone has been so kind it still amazes us.
Linda came by to pick up Lin and Julie for tea and lunch. It took us a while to get her in the car, but she was able to enjoy a couple of hours with Linda, her husband and TK. She was worn out after two hours and had to come home. Lin spoke of the outing several times after she came home. She loved the style of Linda's home, said it reminded her of our favorite B&B at south Padre, Casa de Siesta.
TK stayed with Lin most of the day yesterday as Art helped me to mend our fence. We had to remove pickets to secure the railing to the fence posts with long threaded lag bolts. I think if a strong wind were to blow, it would have tipped over. You invest allot of money on a fence, however, you don't always get what you pay for. Thank you Art for helping me to secure the fence.
I am astounded by the amount of time that it takes to watch over Lin, still. Between transferring from her w-chair to the couch, to the recliner, to the bathroom, to the bed, outside, get her drinks, clothe her, give her meds, etc.; we cannot leave her alone. She does not have the strength to move under her own power so she is at our mercy to get her where she wants to go. I can only imagine how this affects her. TK - thank you for "sitting" with Lin yesterday.
Chickl'e raised a scuttle yesterday while we were working on the fence; that usually means that someone is at the front door. We received a lovely bouquet of flowers from my work team. What was even more surprising was when we went to open the card, we found a gift certificate from "Eat out In". It was our 8th anniversary of our Holy Union when we found out that the cancer was back. Needless to say, we did not celebrate. My sisters and TK announced yesterday that they will set our dining table and order us a nice meal so we can have a late celebration of our anniversary. Thank you BA TEAM, you have enabled a great memory!
My sister Betty came over last night and made Lin her favorite chicken recipe. The outing for lunch really wore Lin out the day before. I tried in vein to feed her the meal, but she kept falling asleep. She was awake enough to open her eyes fully when Dora made a deal with her though. Eat two more bites of chicken and she could have spice cake with cream cheese topping (thank you Suzanne!). Lin was like a little kid that had just been given the deal of the century. She took a few more bites, but fell asleep before the cake arrived. She woke up enough to insist that she have her cake. Well her mom got a kick out of trying to feed her cake. She had it all over the place! We put Lin to bed shortly thereafter. JJ and Karen came over and were discussing there impending wedding next Saturday. They look so cute together.
Betty stayed the night and made us breakfast. Lin awoke fully alert and ate all of her breakfast. We had a better morning, as I awoke at 7:00 to feed her morphine until she could have her scheduled dose of slow releasing morphine at 8:00. I think the secret is to keep the feeding her very small doses when she is active so that her pain does not spike. Once it does it is very hard to control.
It is noon and I am still in my PJs, again. I was finally able to take a shower last night at 1:00 am. Lin woke up at midnight and wanted to drink hot tea; timing is everything, this was when I was headed for the shower. More later tonight, Allison is on her way over...
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