Now I lay me down to sleep...

Did you ever awaken from a dream only to realize that you were dreaming and actually waking? I had a dream many years ago, it seemed so real to me, almost like a premonition. I could tell you every single detail...there was a campfire, there was a hearth made of stone with a wire rack were I was warming a pot of coffee, the old fashioned type, silver with a little crystal looking gadget on top that allowed you to see the coffee peculating.

Today felt like I was in a waking dream, actually a real nightmare. In the course of a couple of days everything has changed. Today Lin did not eat food; she did not leave the bed; she does not speak coherently any longer; she did not want any medicine; she told me that she did not want to die.

We put her to bed around 10pm the night before. I was not feeling well at all and crashed for the first time since this all began. Apparently, I fell asleep on the chair next to her as she lay on the couch, this was mid afternoon. Marti tried to wake me for dinner and I could be roused. I only awoke when I heard everyone talk about how they would move Lin to bed. Well, I was not the only who slept the afternoon; Lin fell asleep earlier in the day when Pastor Mike came by to talk about her services.

I spent an hour straightening our bedroom, getting meds ready for the night and the morning as well as getting water and juice in insulated coffee cups (they stay cold throughout the night as Lin likes cold drinks). I decided that I needed to stay up and read as I guessed Lin would wake around 1:30am as she had in the past after sleeping for many hours. Like clockwork she awoke at 1:23am. I got her meds, water, etc., but was not able to calm her, only agitate her. She spoke Marlene's name several times. At 2:15am I woke Marlene up to speak to Lin. For most of the day, Lin was only mumbling, half conscious half asleep. She clearly articulated, " I do not want to die". What does one say? How does one respond to this? I could only answer that there was nothing that I could do. Her path is set, her death will happen; it is up to her to pick the right time.

I prepared some meds for her and hoped they would put her at ease. She finally gave in to the meds and fell asleep. Marlene went back to the couch and I to the futon in the bedroom. At 3:30am, Lin once again articulated clearly into the dark room, that she did not want to die. I got up to check on her, she was soundly sleeping. I could not fall back to sleep, so I read for a while.

I got Lin up around 8:30am to start with her daily med routine. We are no longer able administer them orally and cannot give her a full cocktail as not all of them will dissolve the same. It takes three of us to give her pain meds, etc. Lin no longer expresses her likes or dislikes via voice, but through grunts and other facial expressions. I think she would prefer to take her meds the good old fashioned way. Yesterday, we found two more tumors on her right side, below her breast, on her ribs. She had been holding on to that side for the last couple of days and complaining of pain. We should have checked sooner. Each time we roll her to change her clothing, the sheets or give her meds, it causes her extreme pain.

She told me this morning that she was dying and wanted to talk to Pastor Mike. I called upon him and he responded quickly. Mike spent several hours with us. Lin continues to linger in a twilight. She is no longer with us, but she has yet to leave. Mike spoke to her in a soft, pleasant voice, coaxing her to let go, to leave the pain behind, that it was alright for her to rest. She would have none of it. Her pulse remains strong, although at 143 (per the nurses read-out).

Lin is currently experiencing what is known as terminal restlessness - http://www.hospicepatients.org/terminal-agitation.html

Her body is giving out, however, her spirit and her soul are not yet ready to leave us. The folks from Hospice tell us that other than the cancer, Lin was healthy when all this started. Most patients exhibiting the type, grade and metastasis of cancer would most likely not be of this earth today; however, our Lin continues to defy the odds.

We pray that she is delivered from her pain. I pray that she finds what she seeks; that for which she is waiting. I don't like this nightmare, too many of the details linger in my mind daily. I hear a pulse in my ears even when I am away from Lin's side. Tomorrow is new day, another chance to end her suffering.

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; Should I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."