What's the routine in your life?

The days pass and I forget if it is Monday, Tuesday or Sunday. My only indicators in the past would be the Sunday paper, work schedule or getting ready for trash day for Wednesday.

I no longer read the paper, I don't even know if it gets delivered or not, someone will pick it up and it shows up in the dining room or living room somewhere, sometimes there may be more than one hanging around. I have a schedule that is not a schedule. I have to give Lin her meds at specific times, that is about it. Waking times vary as well as when I actually get to bed. I used to know it was trash day when I would drive home on Tuesday after work as my neighbors would already put their cans out. I have not ventured away from home but a handful of times since this all started.

I turned on the TV the other night and thought I would watch a show. We used to have certain shows that we would watch at night. Lin would make supper and we would cart out the TV trays to watch our favorites. As I looked at the Tivo listing, I noticed that I was almost out of storage. We have not been watching what we record. It used to be so important that Hero's or Ugly Betty was recording as scheduled so we could catch up on the latest or talk about what we thought might happen next. We even used to have a friend or two over in the past to watch certain shows, like dinner and a movie. Amazing how this is not as important as it used to be.

When I was going to work, I would get up and get ready while Lin would get up and make coffee, sometimes pack a lunch for me. Today, she woke up at six. I gave her morphine, sat her up in bed, got her fresh water and juice and made the coffee. Brought her a cup of coffee to bed and had to break the news that she was not going anywhere, despite her wishes, because we needed to get her into a new sling to transport her. She has lost about twenty pounds so had started to fall through the opening of her old sling, we had to switch to new one that is made for a totally immobile person. I would need help to position the new sling, everyone else was still asleep.

On Sunday, some of her friends came over to sit with her a while. It was very nice that they came over as a group, these are friends that she would meet at a support group weekly and then have coffee with them. She looked forward to this visit, however, getting cleaned up, dressed and moved from the bedroom to the living room, proved to be very tiring for her and so she was asleep by the time her friends got to sit with her. They were very kind in bringing a lasagna, salad and bread for our consumption later.

I know today is Tuesday, I changed watches so I could keep up with time and dates. I am at a total loss for Saturday! Eric came by to help with the laptop, it is the third time the hard drive has crashed, thankfully he has been able to recover the majority of our pictures. I think this all happened on Sunday, not sure.

Monday was a very trying day. Lin woke up full of piss and vinegar. She was ready to tackle the world. She awoke at 6am. She wanted to get dressed and get a move on going outside, making phone calls, lists, etc. As we dressed her we made note of intense skin color change in her legs, purplish blotchy knees and feet and the fact that they were freezing cold, an indication of her body shutting down as the blood is no longer flowing to her legs. She also had blood and clots in her urine. The surge of energy is also an indicator. The nurse agreed with the assessment as we have a listing of physical traits that we track. She advised once again, be ready, Lin's time to go can happen at any time.

I have promised Lin that I will keep her apprised of her health situation and had the first talk with her last week to let her know that she was in a dying process that was accelerated. With the tumors in her head, she forgets things. I had to bring her up to speed again on the situation and add that some of the indications now let us know that she could pass at any time.

Lin defies the laws of nature. Just hours after speaking with her and experiencing an emotional time, all her symptoms went away. The Hospice folks tell us that she is not following the "normal" dying process.

Today, she awoke at 6am. No indicator symptoms. She had coffee and yogurt for breakfast and then fell asleep in the recliner early in the morning. She awoke at 4pm, still all normal and sat outside for at least an hour. She is now napping on the couch.

Her heart is working harder than ever, however, her blood pressure has now dropped to normal. Her body vitals are much like our daily routine schedule, erratic at best.